There is a horror movie starring Ethan Hawke that comes out today called The Purge. This is not a Sponsored Post, I literally could not care less whether you see this movie or not. You know when people say that they have “no dog in this fight”? I’m not even going to the fight in the first place! I hate horror movies. Too scary. Hahha. It’s true, though. My body is not a temple or anything, it’s a Knights of Columbus Hall at best, but my brain is definitely a library. SHHHHHH. NO FOOD OR DRINK. Anyway, I bring up The Purge because it has a very funny underlying conceit, which is that America is finally back to being the land of happiness and prosperity, with little to no crime or poverty (!!!) but the one bargain we have all made, apparently, to achieve this new-found peace and productive GDP is to set aside one day a year where all emergency services are shut down for 24 hours, and “all crime is legal.” Uh, hey, movie? I just wanted to tell you something real quick. Lean in so I don’t have to yell. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA. Whoops, I yelled anyway, sorry, man! That is the best. I hope in The Purge they show the congressional hearings debating this constitutional amendment, and I hope they show President Louis Guzman, or whatever, signing it into law and handing out the pens as souvenirs. I know, I know, it’s a movie, not SCHOOL, but the logistics of this fundamental conceit do fall apart a little, I think? Is it just me? Is everyone else like, this is a grounded idea that I could see happening in our society, and that’s what makes this movie so scary, because it’s all too possible? Anyway, if The Purge was real though, I would legit go to the Internet’s house and burn it down with all of its servers inside. I would also steal a present for my mom. If The Purge was real, what would you do? Remember, this is a public forum and not an encrypted subset of /b/ chan or whatever. I’m just kidding. Ugh, whoops, I can already tell this was a terrible idea. Now I know how the senators in The Purge felt when they voted overwhelmingly across partisan lines to approve of The Purge!!!!

Comments (81)
  1. The things I would do… are very, very boring. I’m thinking stealing $1 pizza when the guy at the counter isn’t looking, trying to buy some kind of animal that’s not legal to own as a pet (like a red panda), getting out of a taxi while it’s still moving without paying, buying alcohol for several minors–you know, the usual.

  2. George R.R. Martin purged early this year and American is pissed. #neverforget

  3. Hahaha, nice try Operation Prism.

  4. At my old office we used to have “Question of the Day” during summers, when it was really slow. And in the morning we’d post a question on the whiteboard and then in the afternoon we’d all come together and answer it. One day the question was, “What crime would you commit if it you knew you wouldn’t get caught?” And I was shocked at how quickly and decisively I answered with arson. So yes, I would burn shit to the ground if The Purge was real. Now you know.

  5. What all girls do for the Purge, obviously, eat all the salads our bodies can hold while doing all that laughing AND THEN SOME, and then you know…the purge.

  6. I would get on the subway with a pair of scissors and go around and cut the wires of everyone’s headphones who were listening to music so loud that I can hear it 5 feet away. I would also absolutely smash the shit out of people’s cell phones who are playing games with the sound on on the subway.

    • Hhahaah…oh Saturnian,…you must live off those fancy subway lines where people use headphones! Could you find time in your purge schedule to also knock the phones, radios, boom boxes, out of the peoples hands that are just plain old playing shit out loud on speaker or whatever because no one told them headphones were invented yet? mmkay thanks.

      • Don’t forget about the people who sing and/or whistle!

        • 80% of the time that I take a certain bus I find myself on the bus with Harvard theater students. BOY, is there a more annoying group of humans than Harvard theater students? No! They are always talking about being stage manager for some play or another or name dropping playwrights, and then they sing to each other. I always secretly hope they will sing Rent because then I can sing along in my head, but nooooo.

          • Oh mannn i saw these creepy Lesley students nasty dancing at the Scooperbowl yesterday. I really hate art students, especially when they go to a school that has NO street cred in their major. Good luck with that dance therapy degree, idiots.

      • UGH I hate those people so much. How do you not feel incredibly rude doing that?

      • One day I was on the subway (this is turning out to be a great story!) and it was very, very cramped, which meant people were talking even less than usual (too cranky for conversation!), making it all the quieter so we could hear this guy without headphones play Temple Run with his phone on full volume, headphone-free.

      • When I saw an ad for the new HTC with big ‘ol speakers on the front, so you can REALLY JAM, I had some really similar thoughts.

      • I fantasize constantly about saying: “Hey DJ? are you taking requests?” but I’m able to imagine through it far enough to know that this would not help and I would not win.

        I also like to imagine myself singing “Santa Claus is coming to town” at the top of my lungs to drown out people preaching loudly on the train. Again, I realize quickly enough that I would look like a dick picking on a most-probably mentally unstable person who thinks they’re doing what they need to do to avoid eternal damnation

    • I would slap all the men who sat with their legs wide like they were delivering babies.

    • I work at a job where I’m forced to ask people to turn down their headphones several times a day (public library, y’all, living the dream), and so I have become all-to-comfortable doing this on the T. I forget the my face of professionalism and civil acceptance mean NOTHING to the people on the T (it barely means anything to the people in the library). I have caused a little trouble for myself, but have also become a folk hero to other T riders.

    • Oh man, I would so do this. I wouldn’t hurt people, that’s for sure. I once took a bus to work with these 15 year olds sitting behind me and they were talking about which “bitch” they’d fuck from school. No one had a name, just “this bitch,” “that bitch,” and “titty bitch” or something. It was so infuriating. I looked around at everyone sitting within earshot, aka, the entire bus, and everyone was trying to their best to ignore it. I would definitely bring a boombox and blast “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” in their faces so they couldn’t talk and would have to sit through/enjoy one of my favorite karaoke songs.

    • Oh, man, I have such a hard time refraining from telling people in elevators that they can turn off that clicking sound on their stupid phones. You’re looking at the screen, do you need a sound to know that you’re scrolling through something?

      • Or the WHOOSH sound during conferences/events?? Good lord I wish I had a nickel (just kidding, $10,000 bill please) for every time I’ve been to a conference and during a serious speaker you hear “WHOOSH”. We get it, working conference, we’re all emailing our bosses so they know they’re not wasting their $10,000 bills on us, but did you know you can turn the sound off on your ipad sometimes?! #lessons

  7. I don’t know if the Purge already covers this, because I am sure the plot is air tight and there are no swiss cheese-esque holes in it at all definitely for sure not….but couldn’t you just schedule your vacay around the purge? Like, what are you doing to prepare for the purge this year? Oh well I’m gonna lock up the underground mole house I built when the Purge Congress voted to enact the Purge and GET THE F OUT OF HERE. I’ll bring you back a snowglobe or some sand in a bottle or something, if you’re not dead I mean, if you’re dead I’ll just give it to the mailman or the new Purge President or something.

    • Ug, what if The Purge was on your birthday?

      • Sorry Flanny, I don’t see the conflict. Party in Barcelona for my birthday with my closest friends and fam, or head out to my favorite restaurant/bar/event thing and get murdered…hmmm….tough choices but I don’t think murdered is a good present.

        And since my birthday is coming up, FYI I would not appreciate murder as a present.

  8. I’d lay in the road. #theprogram

  9. During the Purge, I think I’ll help myself to an art, please….

  10. I would return overdue library books and stiff them on the late fees! #purge #yeah #fuckyoubrian

  11. I live in Baltimore so everyday is The Purge. Seriously. People do whatever they want and it’s terrifying.

  12. Do you guys think those masks are more or less scary than the masks in the movie “The Strangers”? How about that movie with cat masks or horse masks or something that isn’t out yet? I always watch the mask movies because I think I want to be scared, but the problem is I actually get scared. For like, a year after.

  13. Is the purge just for crimes or general rules of behaviour? Because I hate having to dress up for anything (weddings, job interviews, etc.)

    • Well, my guess would be that the Purge doesn’t directly lift all social graces, but since everyone will be either too busy getting murdered/planning murders/fearing murder, you can probably get away with wearing jeans to work.

  14. I would probably do what I do on every holiday or day off, accidentally sleep all day and miss it.

  15. I just finished jamming medical documents into an overstuffed filing cabinet. I would burn documents that I deem stupid and then leave them in their respective filing cabinets, so after the Purge, when people come back to work, it’s all gone.

    I know a hospital I used to work at keeps all their files for 200 years so I would go there and work on erasing things I didn’t exactly like. Steal some documents as well because psych notes are really fun to read. That was one of the hardest things about quitting…nothing else has been as interesting as those notes.

    And then I found find the guy that lives in my neighborhood who walks his cat and I would steal his cat.

  16. I won’t see this until it comes out on Redbox, so please no spoilers regarding whether there’s a happy ending.

  17. I’d ignore my pressing work assignments and comment on Videogum instead #everydayisaholiday #anothamuthafuckingdolladay

  18. I have a serious question about The Purge: The Movie. Is there really only, like, one family that doesn’t want to participate in The Purge? And if so, why are all the The Purgers going after this one family? Is it an extra special prize to The Purge them specifically because they don’t want to participate? Is this the murder equivalent of a big brother constantly throwing a baseball at you even though you already said a million times you didn’t want to play catch?

    • I don’t have an answer, but I love this question. (and obviously this whole thread. Criminal mischief + shaky movie plot + complaining about society = i’m in)

  19. I would park anywhere I pleased.

  20. I was thinking that I was so boring and there weren’t any crimes that I’d want to commit, but after reading all of these great ideas I want to do lots of things! I would definitely try to enact some street justice on all the jerks who break the traffic rules. You want to run that red light to turn left mister, well you’re going to get rammed.

  21. What happens during Leap Years though? Do they get an extra 3.9 minutes of crime spree?

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