Most of us, when we are walking down the street and a very, very stupid pun pops into our head, think to ourselves, well that was a very stupid pun, whoops don’t step in that mess! Not so for Randy Liedtke, who commissioned a friend to sew tiny clothes, and who painstakingly recreated the logo design as well as painstakingly location scouted the exact shot-for-shot places to make the French Press of Bel-Air a reality. And now here we are. It will outlive us all, I’m sure. These guys know what I’m talking about. Now I’m not saying you should do this with other shows, but you could. Don’t! But you could! Like, Everybody Loves Raisins, or Saved by the Bell Pepper. You could take a picture of a bunch of houseplants on a couch in front of a fountain and call it Fronds. You cou’d even do movies! God, why would you ever? But you could. Like a piece of pork wearing a Detroit Lions jacket sitting on the hood of red Mercedes convertible that says Beverly Hills Chop. Or a bunch of breakfast burritos sitting in various poses against a light purple gradient that says The Breakfast Burrito Club. That may be the worst one yet! It’s almost as lazy as it is awful! In the words of Captain Star Trok of the S.S. Four Years Ago, I challenge you to do better.
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. Or should I say this week’s Monsters’ Bell Pepper?! (LOLOLOLOL. No.)
- Kristen Stewart went to a Hooters in Texas. There is a picture in case you need proof, but really you should just believe it! Why would anyone lie to you about that?! Ugh, you are very difficult. -Uproxx
- Melissa Etheridge said something rude (or I guess just more weird and nonsensical?) about Angelina Jolie (or I guess just about cancer in general?), but Brad Pitt is going to talk to her, don’t worry. -Dlisted
- Prometheus 2 is moving forward with a new screenwriter. So glad Prometheus 2 could work it out. Keep your chin up, girl. -FilmDrunk
- Here are nine HOPEFULLY TRUE surprising screenwriter credits. Ugh, I’ll probably never trust a surprising screenwriting credit again. -NextMovie
- Here’s a first look at Veronica (Kristen Bell) and Logan (Jason Dohring) filming the Veronica Mars movie sequel. -/Film
- Slate has a guide to getting into The Sopranos for those who have not yet gotten into The Sopranos. They say you should watch this particular episode. I might actually do it! I have never seen The Sopranos! -Slate
Full on forest fire all the way. So intense. “Hahahahahahhaha!” Don’t even worry about Paul “Yosemitebear” Vasquez, you guys, he was a ‘fire science major,’ soooooooo. (Via RatsOff!)
Seeing rows of not-yet-bloomed peonies outside of your local supermarket. A colorful sunset. Those kind of clouds that look extra nice. When someone you like is the guest on a podcast you don’t hate. Coffee ice cubes used in iced coffee. When interacting with the Time Warner robot actually works. The feeling of cold air coming through the window while you take a hot shower. Seeing your roommate walking towards the subway while you’re walking towards the apartment. The brief scent of laundry when walking by a laundromat. When you wakeup and don’t feel like sleep garbage. Successfully dodging an acquaintance. Changing from pants to shorts when it’s hot outside. When you’ve finally convinced yourself that it’s ok to buy a bouquet of peonies even though they’re expensive, because their season is short and it’s not like you can do this all the time and they’re so beautiful. Snapping rubber bands on the cabinet knob.
I recognize that no one cares about The Lone Ranger movie that is coming out on July 3rd because it is 2013 and who do they think they are kidding? I have not seen people less excited about a movie since 2011′s remake of Conan The Barbarian! While I understand the way in which name recognition is a valuable asset to any feature film struggling to find its place in a dwindling market, or something, I don’t know what half of the words I just wrote mean, but I’m not convinced that it can just be any name. (Also: there was one of those behind-the-scenes preview things for Lone Ranger ahead of Man of Steel last weekend and Gore Verbinski said it was very exciting because he was creating something “completely new,” which suggests to me that he is confused about what both “completely” and “new” mean.) So, you have this massive budget throwback western based off of a RADIO series from the 1930s starring “the guy from The Social Network.” Good luck! I mean it. Good luck. I wish everyone the best of luck in this world, because we are all going to need it. But can we talk about this Johnny Depp as Tonto thing? Again? I know that Armie Hammer set us all at ease when he said it was not a problem, but the more I keep seeing the trailer and now the cover of Rolling Stone magazine, the more I am thinking that actually, Armie, it is for sure still a problem. LIKE. FOR REAL THOUGH? If you thought rebooting the Lone Ranger in these modern times was a weirdly antiquated idea, get a load of this STRAIGHT-UP “RED FACE” RACIST BULLSHIT! We are just going to sit around and let them get away with this? Are we for real? Johnny Depp is a good actor and I am sure he likes a challenge, but dude, TURN OFF THE POOL HEATER ONE DAY A WEEK SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS PROJECT. And shame on you, too, Rolling Stone. You put this on the cover of your magazine? There are almost 7 billion people on Earth and you couldn’t find a single ONE who wasn’t a racist caricature? There’s got to be ONE out there.
Do you know how hard it is, how much money and how may people and the many layers of beaurocracy one must successfully pass through in order to get any movie, much less a movie of this size, made? And at no point in that entire process did anyone suggest that perhaps, and bear with him or her on this because he or she recognizes that this is a crazy thought, but just perhaps in this day and age we DON’T dress up a white person as a non-white person because of the whole legacy of violent atrocities and institutionalized bigotry in this country? No? Just extra butter on the popcorn, huh? Extra butter on the popcorn, please, I am so excited to sit back and escape into this
retrograde racist garbage nightmare wonderful world of imagination!
Uh, so Scott Disick stars in a shot for shot remake of that Huey Lewis scene from American Psycho as some kind of viral marketing for the new Kanye album. You know how it is. (Sidenote: John Mayer’s new video is a Prancercise video. We are all Internet.)
Last week, I’m sure you remember, we got word that M. Night Shyamalan had secretly written She’s All That this whole time. Ahhhhh, of course. We were wearing red every time we thought about M. Night Shyamalan while watching a rerun of She’s All That on cable, how did we not see it?! But, wait, now it looks like he DIDN’T write She’s All That? What? From Entertainment Weekly:
Except, wait! As The Daily Dot pointed out Thursday, She’s All That‘s credited screenwriter, R. Lee Fleming Jr., has claimed that Shyamalan was lying about his work on the film. Last week, when Twitter user James Mitchell wrote “OMG, at the end of his career, it turns out he was a ghost writer all along #spoileralert” — referring to Shyamalan — Fleming responded with this (since-deleted) tweet:
“Only in his mind, James.”
More recently, Fleming also tweeted (and deleted) a telling quote attributed to (but, ironically,probably not actually written by) Mark Twain: “A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”
“Only in his mind, James.” Hahahah. M. Night Shyamalan, drifting to sleep, thinking about the possibility of having written She’s All That. On the one hand I love that at this point in 2067 or whatever year it is we’re all involved in a conflict about the true author of She’s All That, on the other hand, WHY IS M. NIGHT WASTING OUR TIME ABOUT THE AUTHOR OF SHE’S ALL THAT IF IT IS INDEED NOT HIM?! Surely someone must have the answer. Entertainment Weekly, do you? If we keep reading?
After years of nervous anticipation, the American people breathe a sigh of relief to learn, as the Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reporting, that FOX is moving forward with a “crossplatform” adaptation of the Choose Your Own Adventure books. The article actually has an interesting break-down of the series’ herstory, which was created by a guy named Edward Packard, who had the idea for the books but couldn’t get them made until he eventually teamed up with a young guy named R.A. Montgomery. But now, R.A. Montgomery owns the rights to the Choose Your Own Adventure name, and Edward Packard just owns his stories, and is out in some converted garage somewhere, working on “divergent story apps” whatever the hell THAT even means. I know that business is business, but somehow it is so much weirder when business is business about kids’ stuff. Anyway, those books are dope! I love those books. But I am not so sure about this “crossplatform” adaptation. One of the pleasures of the books was that you could instantaneously make your choice, go to the proper page, and keep reading. And sometimes, if you were unhappy with your selection and a child with ZERO HONOR, you could just go back to the previous selection and re-route your course. But if the movie is like, “If you want to drink the elixir, go to YouTube. If you don’t want to drink the elixir and you tell the witch you are hungry instead, go to Vimeo,” then I am going to be hospitalized with serious agita.
If you think a Choose Your Own Adventure “crossplatform” movie is a good idea, go to the comments. If you think a Choose Your Own Adventure “crossplatform” movie is a bad idea, go to the comments. #LOL #URDEADSTARTOVER