Here we are. There was no reason to think that Videogum would be around, the way that it has been for the past six years, forever. It is a blog on the Internet, which already puts it in a precarious position, and it is a blog that has done its very best to not be garbage, which removes a few more fingers from its loose grasp. Still, this feels very strange! Not to make this all about me, but what will I do every day now? Not endlessly refresh an RSS feed looking for stories about celebrities falling on their little butts? What kind of a life is that?! Before I go, I want to say thank you Scott Lapatine, Gabe Delahaye, and Lindsay Robertson. They built an incredible site and an incredible community that — I’ve said it before and I will say it forever — I can’t quite believe I was able to be a part of. Scott has always fought for and believed in this site in a way that is so inspiring, and he has been an incredible joy to work for. You guys, the Videogum Community, could have easily rejected my addition to Videogum, but you didn’t. (And those of you who did almost never angrily told me so, which is in itself something to be grateful for, and something that helps demonstrate just how much better this community is than the entire rest of the Internet.) I never worked with Lindsay, of course, but her writing was half of what made me fall in love with Videogum in the first place. And, finally, Gabe: Gabe is a jerk and I hope I never speak to him again. Hahah. Is that a good joke or a bad joke? Well, too late now! Gabe is obviously the best. I’m not sure if any of you have had the opportunity to write a blog alongside one of your favorite writers, but it is very intimidating! But Gabe was always (and still is) kind, thoughtful, and encouraging. I am incredibly lucky to have been able to work with him. This was truly my dream job, which I can only believe that I somehow wished into existence, and then somehow wished myself into obtaining. Videogum was, and is, and forever will be, the greatest blog. It will be sorely missed.
R.I.P. Videogum. You’re in heaven now, blogging about the angels’ trampoline accidents.
PS: You Can Count On Me is one of my favorite movies.
from: Verne Troyer
date: Sun, Dec 14, 2008 at 6:46 AM
subject: You are unbeleivable
You are probably one of the cruelest people that have ever been allowed to write. The reason you write things on this page is because no one else would hire you except for this trash of a site. It’s unbelievable that people read this garbage.
You have no soul. If it would happen that you get hit by a bus and die, no one would care except the people that enjoy this garbage. Which your mother probably loves that her baby boy got such a great job writing on this F*%ked up site. I guess thats what we get from an irresponsible mother like yours. (I’m sure this probably didn’t offend you, being the type of person you are. But if it so happened that it did offend you, now you know how it feels.
[Originally posted on March 15th, 2012.]
As part of this year’s Videogum Oscar Pool, Kelly and I made a side bet wherein the loser had to suffer not only the indignity of making a poor guess about who would win Best Sound Editing, but also to suffer some further humiliation. Had Kelly lost, you’d now be reading about her experience riding the New York Movie and TV Sites Tour, which frankly doesn’t even sound that bad, and I’ll have you know that Kelly played a big hand in determining the rules of the bet. She cut herself a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. But she didn’t lose. She won. Congratulations, Kelly, on the last thing you did before you were fired! What a wonderful victory for you. Anyway, being an honorable gentleman, I fulfilled my end of the bargain this week, which was to ride the TMZ Tour of Hollywood. Before we begin, I would like you to think of the words “TMZ Tour of Hollywood,” and picture whatever nightmare that brings to mind. Now I want you to double it. Good. Now triple that. OK. You’re starting to almost have the beginnings of an idea of the actual experience but not even close! Just the worst thing. Deep breaths. We’re OK. They can’t hurt us anymore. It’s over. But let us review herstory lest anyone be doomed to pay $50 to repeat it.
[Originally posted on October 31st, 2012.]
Gabe has previously reported numerous accounts of this dangerous sex monster‘s attempts at destroying the hearts and vaginas of the world’s female population, but his latest ploy has taken his scheme to an entirely new level of manipulative emotional destruction. As you know, an attractive man holding a newborn baby sets off every hormonal alarm in the female body, throwing it quickly into Uterine-Cardioid Sex Madness. (A heightened level of what the female body goes through after seeing an attractive man holding a small dog.) This image of Benedict Cumberbatch holding his friend Paul McGuigan’s baby, which was later posted it to Paul McGuigan’s Twitter account (an attempt from Cumberbatch to shirk responsibility, one could reasonably guess), can be expected to have this effect on sighted women across the globe. Men, shield your eyes quickly — you are not fully immune. Women, our time has come. As I write this, I am floating into heaven, quickly losing the ability to reach my keyboard. It is a bittersweet end for all of–(Via Celebitchy.)
[Originally posted on October 17th, 2011.]
Oh boy. Yay? It’s all our old friends! Look, there’s Half Face! And Gut Bucket! And who could forget about old White Eyes?! We begin the new season with Grimes (GRIIIIIIIIMES!) on some Atlanta rooftop reading some epic poem into his Walkie Talkie, hoping that that one dude he met one time a hundred years ago can hear him. What? Grimes! Let’s GOOOOO! If I was waiting downstairs, I would be so pissed. What is he doing up there? Oh, he’s just delivering a free association rumination on the tenuous morality and the fading hope of a Post-Apocalyptic world into a Walkie Talkie with a 50-yard range hoping that a dude 200 miles away who is probably dead can hear him. “Is he at least pausing every once in awhile to give the guy he hopes is listening a chance to get a word in edgewise so that if they can hear each other by some kind of miracle then it’s actually towards some kind of purpose like regrouping and helping each other?” Nope! Just delivering it all in one exhausting rush and then signing off real quick. Gotta run! Hope you liked my episode of The Moth! Grimes also says “The CDC was a dead end.” (I’ll say!) And then he says “I met a man there, he told me…well it doesn’t matter what he told me.” HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh Grimes. The world as you know it is gone forever, and your ragtag gang of weary survivors faces death and dissolution at every turn, but thank you, as an audience member who enjoys intrigue, for keeping the, like, one secret this show has suggested exists, from us for another 9 episodes or whatever. Meanwhile, downstairs, it is time to hit the road. ROAD TRIP!
[Originally posted on June 28th, 2010.]
Ed. note: Joe Mande, stand-up comedian and the creator of the popular blog Look At This Fucking Hipster (now a popular book!) is forced to do things that we don’t want to do, for our education and amusement. If you have a challenge/suggestion, submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hi, monsters. So, I’ve done a bunch of these T14TT’s now, but I can honestly say this assignment was the first one that I almost couldn’t handle. I wanted to quit and walk away so many times. But I didn’t. I persevered! My assignment was to read Glenn Beck’s new political thriller, The Overton Window, and then write a book report about it for you guys. Surprisingly, reading the book wasn’t that hard. I mean, it is for dummies. (I can say that, right? That Glenn Beck is a dummy? And anyone who agrees with his politics and/or finds him to be an insightful person is a dummy as well? Okay, good.) I read its 300 pages in a few hours. That was easy. It was trying to describe the book’s psychotic tone that ended up giving me such a headache. At first, all I could think to write was, “The Overton Window is like if a Jason Bourne book was re-written for kids, and then that kid’s book had sex with a ‘9-11 was an Inside Job’ message board.” But that’s not enough. You all deserve much better than that.
[Originally posted on March 21st, 2012.]
Ring ding dong, ring a ding ding ding dong, keep your heads Red Bull!
What’s up, young women who were barely even bothered by the Rush Limbaugh dustup with Sandra Fluke because they recognized it for the desperate and panicked last gasps of a fading patriarchy that it was, and young men who similarly don’t mind that I addressed the young women first because they were confident they would be addressed eventually and we are all equals now in this new world, or at least we should be? Wassssuuuuuuup?! Today I want to rap at you about the NEW THREE SECOND TEASER TRAILER FOR TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2. Sew your heads back on, but don’t be nervous if they fall right back off. That’s normal. Your body is going through a lot of changes. iPad 3.
You’re about to be the koolest kid on your kblock because fter the jump we’ve got the brand new trailer. YOU SAW IT HERE FIRST. (“But Gabe, there’s 2.9 million views on this trailer already, surely we didn’t see it first?” DON’T TALK BACK. YOU WANT SOME MORE DETENTION, MR. BENDER?) Pad your butts with Dorito’s brand Butt Pads. Here we go:
[Originally posted on May 1st, 2013.]
Kelly: Hey, Gabe!
Gabe: yo kelly, what up tho?
Kelly: nm nm nm nm nm
Gabe: how’s it hanging dude?
Kelly: Hanging perfectly straight bro
Gabe: oh yuck!
Kelly: How’s it hanging with you?
Gabe: it’s hanging pretty good all things considered
Gabe: i mean, there are still plenty of troubles in our world
Gabe: it could be hanging better
Gabe: but it’s not hanging so bad for me, personally
Kelly: And thx, as always, for the clarification
Gabe: np yw
Gabe: i would just hate for someone in a war-torn country
Gabe: to read this friendly chat
Gabe: and feel like i wasn’t acknowledging
Gabe: that it isn’t hanging perfectly all over
Kelly: That is always a big fear
Gabe: and that it is hanging lower in some places than others so to speak
Kelly: Yuck, Gabe.