Look, I’m not going to be so brazen as to say that May 12 is the greatest day of the year, I’m just saying that a day that gave us the stars of Bio-Dome, Young Guns, AND American Wedding should at least be a federal holiday.

In honor of the big year these three stars have had, I got each of them a little something from the Skymall catalog.

Stephen Baldwin ran out of money after being snubbed by the satanic cult of good taste. Stephen, I’m sending you a $5 a day bank, from Skymall.

put away $5 a day, five days a week, and at the end of the year you’ll have $1,300. Could it really be that simple? Yes — with this handsome laser-carved wood bank. An automated mechanism pulls in your deposited bill and holds it safely inside, while text on the exterior keeps you motivated to stash that cash. Great for a Christmas fund, vacation goal or just a rainy-day buffer. Requires 2 AA batteries; not included.

Happy 45th Birthday!

Jason Biggs got his own show about a guy who is basically Ted Mosby but is not friends with Doogie Howser or Willow. Jason, for you I have the resin ‘angel of patience garden sculpture, which will encourage you to have patience until How I Met your Mother is cancelled.

Over a yard tall and with wings almost as wide, the artist’s vision included detail from flowing tresses to billowing gown. In home or garden gallery, our Toscano-exclusive, quality designer resin sculpture is a faux stone masterwork.

Happy 33rd Birthday!

And Emilio Estevez finally looked like the smart brother for not attaching himself to the Sheen name while Charlie turned into a Warlock with a suitcase full of blow. Emilio, for you I have the head spa massager, which will help you relax after a day of dealing with the fact that your brother got a blood transfusion from a Bengal tiger.

This patented Italian design incorporates Japanese engineering and utilizes acupressure to relax and soothe your problems away. It’s like thousands of tiny fingers simultaneously massaging your scalp. Simply place our Head Spa Massager on your head and feel the tension miraculously leave your body.

Happy 49th Birthday!

Comments (29)
  1. Today is my sister’s birthday. I always thought that I was the cooler sibling because my birthday was Issac Hanson’s half birthday. Boy, was I wrong.

  2. 3 men, two penis metaphors.

  3. No mention of Steve Winwood turning 63 today?

  4. Ducks fly together
    quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. quack

  5. I no joke want that head massager. I wouldn’t use it for head massages, of course, but I could pretend to be Robocop ALL THE TIME. My wife tends to get confused when I call her ED-209 when we’re getting squishy, so maybe that would help to clear things up.

  6. Few people know that Jason Biggs’ birth name was Jason Pitt.

  7. Yay! It’s my birthday too! May 12th is for sure the best day ever. Also, Katharine Hepburn :)

  8. what is scotty doing modeling head massagers?

  9. This could be a national holiday. At the rate the internet makes up national holidays, there will be one for everybody. Did you know that yesterday was National Eat Whatever You Want Day? Cool fake holiday, internet.

  10. That laser-carved wood bank pays almost as much interest as my Chase savings account.

  11. Am I the only one envisioning a new Charlie’s Angels here? (Except this time Charlie is a WOMAN! Dun dun DUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!)

  12. It’s my birthday too! I, for one, am proud to share this auspicious day with three of this century’s finest thespians and two of this website’s finest monsters.

    May 12th forEVAHH

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