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It was widely reported yesterday that Hollywood actor Jason Bateman (Teen Wolf Too, Couples Retreat) joined the ridiculously long line outside of an Apple store in Los Angeles to pick up his new iPhone 4, at which point an employee of the Apple corporation recognized him, and then this happened, from CNN:

The actor was one of more than 2,000 people who lined up outside an Apple store in L.A. yesterday to purchase the highly coveted new iPhone 4. But the Hollywood star didn’t spend much time among the little people – Us Weekly reports that the former “Arrested Development” star, 41, was escorted out of line and into the store.

“Everyone literally started booing and hissing,” an eyewitness told the magazine of the angry mob. And Bateman’s reaction? “He put his head down,” another onlooker said.

The story has become popular on the Internet because people on the Internet love two things: iPhones and GETTING MAD. Somehow, even though it doesn’t, this story seems to some people to represent the often unspoken but deep division between the way Celebrities live and the way Stupid Civilians live that is supposedly infuriating because of how aren’t we all supposed to be famous now? What is the point of Diaryland.com if that is not true? Jason Bateman is just a human being like the rest of us, the argument probably goes, so shouldn’t he have to wait in this 2,000 person line (uh, guys? That is too many) to spend hundreds of dollars on a status icon phone that has a GYROSCOPE in it? (These guys definitely understand what everyone is so mad about.)

First of all, relax, Internet. Second of all, I would like to offer a defense of Jason Bateman.

We live in a world in which celebrities are offered special privileges that range from free clothing/champagne to cutting in lines to being found innocent (sometimes) of murder. That’s just the way it is. It is part of the bargain we make with them for getting to look at pictures of their most recent Starbucks run. Certainly there are celebrities who abuse this arrangement, like people who don’t tip at a restaurant, or who say things like “don’t you know who I am? I’m Brandy” when they are pulled over for drunk/cocaine driving. Those people are assholes. But one gets the sense that Jason Bateman is not one of those people, and even if he is one of those people, this instance is hardly a demonstration of the supreme privileges of fame. Dude bought a phone.

Also, let us keep in mind that he was waiting in line, and an Apple Store employee approached him. What is the alternative?

Let’s say that you were a successful Hollywood actor and you wanted to buy an expensive new phone on the first day it came out, because you, like many other confused people in this upside-down world apparently, have a deep need for immediate gratification. But you’re a decent enough guy/lady. You go to the store, and you stand in line with everyone else. All 2,000 of them. (Seriously, that is so many people to be standing in line for a fucking phone. Unacceptable. That is the thing that people should have been booing. “Booo! Get off the line!”) And then someone from the store comes up to you and says “Hi, I recognize your face from the TV at my house. It would be my pleasure to allow to you come into the store now without standing outside for six hours, which is a CHOICE that everyone else in this line is making OF THEIR OWN VOLITION.” What are you going to do? Say no? “No, sir, I’m right where I am supposed to be. With the people!” That’s somehow EVEN WORSE.

Not to mention the fact that it was one Jason Bateman, not, like, 300 Jasons Bateman. In a line of 2,000 people (God damn it! Doesn’t anyone in Hollywood WORK?) letting Jason Bateman cut has no appreciable effect on the speed or efficiency of the line. It’s going to take you just as long (too long) to get a thing that you don’t need, much less that you don’t need TODAY TODAY TODAY TODAY. “I was perfectly happy to spend the entire day in this awful line for a thing I could order from the comfort of my home and have within a week, but now that a single person has not had to suffer the same chosen fate, I am furious, but will definitely keep waiting in this line for sure. What am I going to do? NOT wait in this line? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Obviously, the only thing celebrities need less than coddling is a blog defending them. And in the end, who cares if people booing made Jason Bateman feel ashamed. I’m sure he is over it! And I have a feeling that this story’s popularity is as much a factor of summer being a Slow News Season. So, you know, whatever. Today is a new day. We all go on with our lives, even the star of Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Jason Bateman. But shame on the people in the line for booing him. Shame on them just for being in that line. I hope those nerds realize they are basically Twilight fans. Team iPhone! Boo on you, you grumpy old nerds.

Comments (101)
    • I think he may have made a big mistake

      • He’s pretty.

        • Off topic, but I had kind of a weird moment the other day while flipping through the latest issue of Bust. It was their music issue and for some reason they had a photo spread of female musicians sporting the latest fashions (UGH). Anyway, one of the first ones was Joanna Newsom (who will one day be mine WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT) wearing a quite revealing, somewhat see-through red dress. I was alone in my living room and said out loud, “She’s very pretty.” I turned the page, thinking there would be more sexy Joanna Newsom pictures (her name was on the cover) and said, “Do you have anymore pictures of her?”

          They did not have anymore pictures of her.

          • Cool story, That One.

          • I thought it was a cool story. If I were a little more sleezy and a little less self-aware, I’d be googling for it. As it is, I think I’m just going to reach over next to me, grab Have on on Me, and put disc 1 on, while looking at the photos inside.

    • He’s funny and something.

  1. “Everyone literally started booing and hissing,” an eyewitness told the magazine of the angry mob. And Bateman’s reaction?

  2. “Ugh, more like Jason HATEMAN”
    – guy behind him in line

  3. I suddenly remembered that movie “Butter” coming out and I rushed to imdb, hoping it starred Jason Bateman because it would be really funny, but it doesn’t.

  4. Speaking of Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, I caught part of that when it aired on tv and realized that I have appreciated Natalie Portman’s beauty for some time. I could marry the shit out of that.

  5. I don’t know how to make photoshopped images/gifs of things, but if I did, right here I would put a gif of Jason Bateman with his head down while the Charlie Brown song played, and you would all give me about +7 upvotes for the Arrested Development reference.

  6. Who wouldn’t want to wait in line with those people for 6 hours? Look at them! They don’t look smelly and unbathed at all.

  7. He should have done the honorable thing and ordered an unidentifiable lackey to wait in line for him.

  8. I literally JUST hung up with Bates (that’s what I call him, he calls me “Captain”) . We were chatting with Face Time on our new iPhone 4s. I was making fun of him for waiting on line like a poor person. I mean, c’mon Bates, I had my personal assistant pre-order an iPhone 4 for me like 2 weeks ago. I even got it on MONDAY b/c Fed-Ex owed me a solid. Bates fancies himself a man of the people and he thought it’d be good PR for his upcoming film, The Switch, if he was spotted queuing up like champ. He was standing there for about an hour and was prepared to wait even longer but after the 63rd nerd came up to him and said “her?” he decided it was game over.

    I guess my point here is this: shut up poor nerds.

  9. Come on!

  10. “(Teen Wolf Too, Couples Retreat)”

    Who started this trend of listing an actor’s shitiest movies as their executive summary? I don’t think it’s very nice.

  11. He should really be ARRESTED for his undeserved DEVELOPMENT in the queue.

    • I agree. His Twitvids were great. They entertained me while I sat on my couch waiting for my iphone 4 to be delivered via Fedex.

    • Yeah, Donald Glover rules. Also, Jason Bateman can cut. It’s fine. This feels, more than anything, like a relax, technojeremy moment (so many jeremies technical).

      • well, when community gets cancelled half way through its 3rd season, and then takes 2 years for everyone to catch up on how great of a show it was and complain that it shouldn’t have been cancelled and beg for a movie*….then don glover can cut in line for an iPhone 8.

        *i hope this never happens

        • How great are the little bits he does with Danny Pudi during the credits? 60-second LOLk boosts all up in them bits.

        • Well anyone who’s anyone knows how funny it is.

          Yeah, Arrested Development is aggressively canceled, but we can’t pry this show off the air to save anyone’s life

          • the derrick comedy movie ‘mystery team’ is also funny as shit.

            and K, i think the answer to that is the same reason NBC loves Jay Leno: shows without integrity tend to cost less and are easier to keep around.

  12. Yeah. Like the guy in the 700 dollar jeans is going to wait in line with the people who don’t make that in two weeks? C’MON!

  13. I agree completely. It wasn’t a line for water in Haiti. But somehow if Spencer Pratt did this it would be bad.

    • Spencer Pratt doing it – not so bad. Apple employee offering it to Spencer Pratt – bad. Apple Store employees, use your power wisely!

      • How great would it be if Spencer Pratt cut in line and walked into store like “Where’s my iPhone? I’m Spencer Pratt” and the Apple employees were all “Spencer Pratt, of MTV’s The Hills? I’m sorry sir, you’re going to have to wait in line.”

    • That’s true, because Jason Batemen looks awesome and is awesome while Spencer Pratt looks like a carney and is the opposite of awesome. Nawsome? Fauxsome? Nailed it.

    • I think the reason that if Spencer Pratt did this it would be bad is because nothing that Spencer Pratt has ever done is ‘good.’ So since Spencer Pratt would be doing ‘something’ by ditching a line and getting an iPhone and ‘something’ that Spencer Pratt does is always ‘bad’ then getting this iPhone by ditching would be ‘bad.’ It’s the transitive property of artificial fame, also called The Wife-Swapping Corollary.

    • If Spencer Pratt did this, not only would he *not* wait in line like a normal person, but he would go to the front of the line, play the “Don’t you know who I am?” card, and worst of all: he would do it with the intention of making himself look bad, and he would call TMZ ahead of time to capture the incident on video, because he knows that America hating him is basically his raison d’etre as a celeb, and this would only make America hate him more.

      How can we win against someone like that?

  14. they were probably just booing ’cause they collectively realized that they’re wasting their lives

  15. “Hey look, it’s Jason Bateman out there waiting! Maybe we should go and…..EXTRACT….him from the lineup”
    – smug Apple Store employee

  16. Man, it’s hard out here for a former 80′s teen heart-throb who spent 15 years in obscurity after falling from the graces of public affection and was brought back by a cult TV comedy and now enjoys a healthy reputation for solid comedic acting.

    Otherwise known as a pimp.

  17. I never realized the similarities between Twihards and Apple fans. Apple is even pretty shiny/sparkly! I…I think I need to sit for a bit.

  18. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  19. Were they saying BOO, or BOO-ATEMAN?

  20. I would let him cut me in line, he has provided me enough man hours of entertainment to more than offset standing in line for an iPhone (which I wouldn’t do anyway)

  21. He’s changed. He probably doesn’t even allow hop-ons anymore.

  22. OH MY GOD! I just realized what this is: it is another one of those viral ads that Jason Bateman and Will Arnett are doing now, like the chewing gum thing from last week. Do you guys remember that? That’s what this is. Covert viral ads. Jason Bateman and Will Arenett are the new Mad Men. More like RAD Men!

  23. I have already registered RestoreJasonBateman.com.

  24. I’m going to offer this defense of Jason Bateman:

    Arrested Development.

    I rest my case.

  25. If they had let him cut in the Twilight movie line, he’d be completely dead

      – Apple Fans at the premiere of ‘iPhone 4: Eclipse’

  26. I hope Bateman turned around and gave all the haters one of these:

    • I hope he pulled his shirt up exposing his nipples and screamed “SAY GOODBYE TO THESE!”

      • The actress who plays Kitty is also in Adaptation. I watched it in class one time, the first time I’d seen it since AD (don’t call it that) and at one point it became clear that she was going to reveal her breasts. Those of us in class who knew the show began to exchange confused, excited glances. Excited not because we were seeing boobs, but because we were seeing boobs that had so often been revealed, yet still hidden from us.

  27. If those guys (I assume it was a 103% male line up) really wanted to get back at Bates they would have started chanting “SPEACH!! SPEACH!!”. That’d learn him.

  28. It really saddens me that a summer in which we are still fighting two wars and an unstoppable hole in the ocean floor is spewing millions of gallons of oil into the sea every day can still be a slow news summer. But I guess entertainment news is its own mostly horrible little world unto itself.

  29. ShhShhShhShhShhShhShh

  30. Capitalism has done an LOL-tastic 180; remember* when we used to make fun of bloc countries because they all had to wait in bread lines? *I concede some of you would not remember this because it was 700 years ago.

  31. It’s funny you would mention this. Just the other day I was camped out in line waiting to buy the new Whiplash Whopper sandwhich from Burger King and Kevin Smith totally cut everyone in line.

  32. “Damn it! Doesn’t anyone in Hollywood WORK?” Gabe it was either wait in this line or sit in Starbucks writing their screenplays.

  33. I read that Ricky Schroder had to wait in line.

  34. Gabe, even though you used the correct pluralization of Jason Bateman (Jasons Bateman), I read it as “Jason Batemen.” And I think that sounds cooler.

  35. At least he didn’t cut through the line in the stair car.

  36. Whenever you say “(These guys definitely understand what everyone is so mad about.)” I always click the link wondering who they are. It is always the same starving children.

  37. I love every single word of this article.

  38. im pretty sure if it was michael cera, people wouldnt care, but lets be honest, anyone who was on ‘arrested development’ can pretty much do whatever they want because they were on the greatest television show in the history of television shows

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