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Who Doesn’t Love Sketch Comedy From College Students?!

Gabe — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 19:00:34 +0000

I think my favorite part about sketch comedy from college students is how funny it is and how much it demeans women in horrific and disgusting ways. #LOL

That’s Your Coffee: David Lynch Coffee

Gabe — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 19:45:17 +0000

Every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don’t plan it, don’t wait for it, just let it happen. It could be a new shirt at the men’s store, a catnap in your office chair or two cups of good hot black coffee. OR HOW ABOUT A LIVING NIGHTMARE? (Via TheHuffingtonPost.)

Attention Man Babies: You Don’t HAVE To Go On TV!!!!

Gabe — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 19:45:25 +0000

I know that it’s gotten very confusing these days what with all of the reality TV and the Paris Hiltons of the world (Paris Hilton, so hot right now) so that some people might think that you just HAVE to go on TV no matter what, but it turns out you really don’t! It’s totally OK if there’s something special or unique or problematic in your life to NOT share it with the whole world in a format that is designed to exploit and humiliate you for entertainment purposes. Like, just as a random example plucked out of the ether: let’s say you were an adult baby, like, a grown adult who fetishized being a baby and slept in a giant crib and had your girlfriend feed you in your homemade adult high chair and dribbled food down your face and had fake tantrums and pooped your diaper and that was your thing. That’s fine! That can be your thing. Everybody’s got things. Life is hard enough as it is without pretending like you don’t have a thing. But, just in case someone never told you, if that is your thing, or even if you have another thing, you are not REQUIRED BY LAW to go on Dr. Phil.

The ShamWow Guy Is The Schticky Guy Now

Gabe — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 15:15:52 +0000

Yuck. Why is he talking like that? He sounds like he’s trying out for the role of “Precocious Baby” in Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2. And why is everyone SO dirty? It seems like we might need to address, through regression therapy and some kind of step-based recovery program, the underlying problems about these people’s cleanliness and hygiene before we even get to how to properly use a Schticky. Step 2: Make amends for the pile of hair and crumbs you always carry around on your shoulder. And who needs to clean up a pile of pennies? And why is it called the Schticky? Did they only rent the conference room for five minutes on Brand Name Brainstorming Day? So many questions! Although what’s not up for debate is how fun AND classy it is for Vince Offer to poke fun at the time he was arrested for PUNCHING A PROSTITUTE IN THE FACE. Very cool of him. Makes me want to buy a whole bunch of these pieces of shit. ORDER NOW! (Via ONTD.)

Any Way You Slice It, This David O’Russell Story Is A Nightmare

Gabe — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 16:00:03 +0000

The movie director, David O’Russell, who is now best known for making The Fighter but used to be best known for making Three Kings, I Heart Huckabees, and Spanking the Monkey (he makes good movies is the point!) is under investigation by a Florida police department for inappropriately touching his transgendered niece, and while that’s already just a SUMMER BUMMER of a situation, each new detail makes the whole thing more icky. From TMZ:

The Broward County Sheriff’s Dept. has confirmed … Russell has been accused of inappropriately grabbing his niece’s breasts during a workout session at a South Florida hotel gym on Dec. 30.

According to the police report taken 3 days after the incident, Russell’s niece … who was born a man and is currently in the preoperative phase of her transition … told cops the two had been doing abdominal exercises when he asked questions about her transformation.

The niece — who does NOT have a blood relation to Russell — told cops they began to talk about her breasts … and how certain hormones she’s taking have made them larger. According to the report, the niece claims Russell then “put his hands under [her] top and felt both breasts.” Cops say the woman said she felt “uncomfortable” … but admitted she “did not ask him to stop at any time.”

Right, so, OK, there are already a couple of details here (hotel gym? ABDOMINAL EXERCISES?) that set off some Mind Alarms but no matter what we’re already deep into the Swamp of Sadness with this one. And then David O’Russell gives his side of the story and that is where the whole thing goes to hell:

Gwyneth Paltrow Literally Selling Snake Oil Now

Gabe — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:15:06 +0000

The first GOOP of 2012 has arrived, and it is highlighting “the GOOP Cleanse.” Oh brother. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that I am against ALL cleanses, not just the GOOP cleanse. If you enjoy cleanses, God bless you. And I do support, genuinely and sincerely, anyone’s attempt, whatever that attempt may be and however misguided, to improve themselves and/or make themselves healthier, happier, what have you. But ever since I learned about cleanses, the same way everyone learns about them: in college from some girls with hippie tendencies–they have always seemed to me like they were more about having something to simultaneously brag and complain about than anything to seriously do with one’s health or well-being. Like, you’re going to show off that you’re taking care of yourself (already a specious argument when it comes to cleanses, but that’s the party line) while also complaining about how hungry you are? Cool. You’re fun to hang out with, let’s go to a nice restaurant together for sure. I’m also just skeptical of anyone who genuinely believes that drinking cayenne pepper smoothies or whatever is really clearing out the system. If you want to clear out your system, go to Duane Reade and buy an enema kit. Or, how about you just work on gradually making your entire lifestyle healthier and more considered rather than taking 10 days out of the year to dramatically disrupt your body’s natural processes? You think the cayenne pepper is helping with the cigarettes you are always bumming off of people at parties? Oh man, OK, I am sorry, I just hate cleanses in a way that is almost certainly way more dramatic than necessary. Good luck to everyone and I can’t wait to see how the world changes when we all live forever. First generation of immortals is always the trickiest.

But, so, considering my pre-existing hate of cleanses it is PERFECT that Gwyneth Paltrow has her own NAMEBRAND cleanse! Let’s talk about it:

It’s People! People Is Made Out Of People!

Gabe — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:15:03 +0000

Two dudes on a Dutch TV show cooked pieces of each other’s flesh and ate them. I can’t even deal with this. You’re welcome to deal with it if you’d like, but I’m OUTTA here.

High School Prank In Which Teenagers Make Out With Their Parents Seems Like A Normal, Fun Prank

Gabe — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 14:30:19 +0000

Great prank, everyone, especially the parents who agreed to take part in it. You guys are good parents who recognize a GREAT prank. It’s just fun! I’m really starting to rethink my whole position on pranks, which formerly was that pranks are the worst, always, but now I’m thinking maybe pranks are the best, based on how cool and fun and funny this wonderful prank was*. Just a treat. And when you show up for sentencing and the judge asks, just tell him that you love a good fun prank almost as much as you’ve loved raising the child you just made out with in front of a group of shrieking teenagers. He’ll get it. The warden will get it. Your cellmate will get it. Everyone loves this. (Via BlameItOnTheVoices.)

*I am not rethinking my position on pranks and if anything my position is stronger than ever.

Why Are You Hitting Yourself?

Gabe — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 14:30:05 +0000

Being a kid is the worst. You can’t do anything and you’re always getting yelled at and there’s a boy in class who smells so bad and it’s like the adults don’t even care and Maggie is popular but you’re not even sure why because she’s never done anything that’s even that special and if it really if that she’s popular just because she had that folder with a picture of horses on it then you think you might scream because it’s not like she made that folder she bought it in a store and it’s just a folder. Sometimes it’s all just too much. Why don’t they make pills that make you grow up faster? And now I’m supposed to just keep reading this stupid book? You’ll all burn in hell. (Via Arbroath.)

An Important Message To Dads From Justin Bieber

Gabe — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:30:39 +0000

This is just a great way to market your new perfume, Justin Bieber. Dads will love it, and daughters will get it. Everyone’s happy. (The question of WHY you have a PERFUME in the first place will have to wait until another time. This is just for dads right now. Get out of here, moms!) So, just to clarify, dads should appreciate Justin Bieber because their daughters are unhealthily obsessing over him instead of getting ROCKED by the dude next door? EEEK! And, like, not just rocked, but, like, SCREAMS OF ECSTASY rocked. Johnny Next Door is a real pro. You know, dads. It’s awful when you hear your daughter’s sex screams, but they grow up so fast. Buy my perfume. THE FUCK?! (Via ONTD.)