Don’t get me wrong. I spent most of the day yesterday crafting a carefully worded open letter to Hollywood regarding Jay Mohr, so I’M NOT DOING SO BAD (I am doing so bad). The real question is WHAT IS THIS PLANE AND WHY AM I NOT ALWAYS RIDING THIS PLANE EVERY TIME I AM ON A PLANE?

Also, take it easy, Intel Chairman Craig Barrett. This is the coolest thing you’ve done all day. UGH. That would be one of the grossest expressions of hyper-privileged smarm ever even if we WEREN’T EMBROILED IN A NATIONAL ECONOMIC CRISIS. That guy. I would make a joke about pushing him out of the zero gravity plane but he probably has a golden parachute. Get it? Lame. What’s wrong with me today? What’s wrong with me every day?

David Byrne should cool it with being an inventive genius for awhile and give the rest of us a chance. How am I supposed to raise funding for my project to create a fortress made entirely of hamburger meat with this going on? The meat keeps out invaders because how can you attack when it is so delicious. You’re not the only one with ideas, guy.