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Joel Schumacher Says Val Kilmer Was “The Best Batman,” Do You Agree?!

Gabe — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:00:56 +0000

At a recent press conference for his latest movie, director Joel Schumacher (Phone Booth, Phone Booth 2) somehow ended up discussing his powerful work with the Batman franchise. He is basically the Terrence Malick of Batman, I’m sure. Anyway, he “took full responsibility” for Batman and Robin, whatever that means. Like an apology? Do you make a full apology for Batman and Robin? Because that movie hurt people. And then he said this:

“For me, Val Kilmer was the best Batman.”

AY-AY-AY. Well this certainly raises an interesting question. Namely, is there anyone else in the whole world who agrees with Joel Schumacher and also what the hell is Joel Schumacher even talking about and also is there a script for Phone Booth 3 when is Phone Booth 3 coming out because everyone’s very excited about Phone Booth 3 and the fans would like some answers?! Anyway for the sake of Batman-related scientific inquiry, please take our brief poll to determine whether or not Joel Schumacher is alone in the universe or if there are other Joel Schumachers out there:

Against All Odds, Gun Manages To Make A Worse Movie Poster

Gabe — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 19:00:13 +0000

Do you guys remember the original movie poster for the upcoming 50 Cent & Val Kilmer vehicle, Gun? It was terrible! It featured 50 Cent in front of a white background wearing a puffy vest and a watchcap, holding two guns crisscrossed against his chest. Get it? Guns! DING DONG, NAILED IT. The tagline on that poster was “One Gun. Many Lives Lost.” That is a terrible tagline! For one thing, right in the poster that we are looking at and reading that tagline, 50 Cent is holding TWO GUNS. Also: many lives lost? Oooh. It’s called suspense and drama, look it both up. And yet, somehow, against all odds, they have somehow managed to make an EVEN WORSE POSTER FOR THIS MOVIE. Guys, calm down! No one cares about Gun! You do not need to force your poster design department to pull all-nighters figuring out worse and worse poster concepts. “You know what the problem with the original poster was? The puffy vest. We should DEFINITELY get rid of the puffy vest. I’m still in love with 50 Cent holding two guns crisscrossed against his chest, that’s obviously brilliant. But what if he was doing that in a tank top instead of a puffy vest? Lava? Lava. Also: people want to see how many cheeseburgers Val Kilmer has been eating, so let’s make sure there’s some kind of visual cue that lets audiences know that there aren’t any cheeseburgers left in the world because Val Kilmer ate them all. Now, the tagline: how about something that just screams EXCITEMENT and ACTION. Something like “A city caught in the crossfire.” Shivers. I just got shivers. Anybody else getting shivers?” Total nonsense. It’s so weird that a low budget movie starring 50 Cent and Val Kilmer involves a seemingly endless string of bad decision making just kidding.

In A Surprise To No One, The Trailer For 50 Cent’s New Movie Gun Looks Terrible And Makes No Sense

Gabe — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 16:30:08 +0000

“Let me just get this straight: there is a movie starring 50 Cent that he wrote himself called Gun. And this movie has a borderline comedic movie poster. And in this movie, 50 Cent plays a street-wise arms dealer who teams up with Val Kilmer, who is actually an undercover police officer trying to take 50 Cent down, and also John Laroquette is in it? The guy from Night Court? And now this movie, Gun, written by and starring 50 Cent, has a movie trailer that appears to be edited by 50 Cent as well, and somehow the trailer doesn’t make any sense and the movie continues to look incomprehensible in addition to cheap and also awful? That just doesn’t make any sense.”
–No one.

Gun trailer, you guys:

The Least Enticing Movie Poster Of All Time: Gun

Gabe — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 20:00:40 +0000

Really? Really, Gun poster? A movie starring 50 Cent and Val Kilmer called Gun already sounds bad enough, but this poster is ridiculous. Bad movie name. Bad publicity photo. Bad marketing tagline. I’m not saying it’s the worst movie poster of all time. It’s not as bad as Takers, or Legion. But it’s definitely the least appealing. Who would ever want to see this movie based on this poster? Even 50 Cent fans are like, “you are crazy in the medical way for this one, 50.” At first glance I’m just assuming a high schooler with MS Paint made this. Otherwise what was the process in the design?

Movie Poster Executive 1: We’re gonna get 50 Cent and Val Kilmer, wearing puffy vests and ~~berets~~ watchcaps, each holding a gun across their chest.
Movie Poster Executive 2: Don’t you think that might be a little TOO on the nose?
Movie Poster Executive 1: I don’t know what that common expression means, because I’m an idiot, but I think what you’re trying to say is they should have two guns, one in each hand.
Movie Poster Executive 2: That’s not what I meant, but more importantly, are you at all worried that having them hold two guns, for a total of four guns, would conflict with the movie’s tagline, which is “One Gun. Many Lives Lost”?
Movie Poster Executive 1: I’m glad you asked. Nope.
Movie Poster Executive 2: Oh, Val Kilmer just called, he’s busy.
Movie Poster Executive 1: No problem, we’ll use 50 Cent by himself, but definitely get the puffy vest and the ~~beret~~ watchcap, watchcaps are the most exciting caps, and of course, on your suggestion, two guns. Make them different sizes! And pass the cocaine.
Movie Poster Executive 2: My professionalism demands that I point out that two guns is still twice as many guns as mentioned in the impossibly uncatchy tagline.
Movie Poster Executive 1: Did I ask you to argue with me, Gary, or did I ask you to pass the cocaine? I don’t have all the past three-and-a-half minutes to work on this.

Is anyone else getting a busy signal when they call their local Fandango? Weird. I guess I’ll just go spend the night in line with the rest of America. (Via RapRadar via Vulture. Click through to enlarge.)

MacGruberTrailer

Gabe — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 12:20:59 +0000

You can watch it here. (PRO-TIP: the age-verification thing doesn’t work very well, but it seems to work if you use the name “Dave Smith.” I’M LIKE THE MOVIE HACKERS.)

Val Kilmer Wished You A Happy Mardi Gras

Gabe — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:24:31 +0000

Val Kilmer, the future Governor of New Mexico, and star of 1995′s Batman Forever, was crowned the 41st Bacchus in the New Orleans Bacchus parade over the weekend. He dressed up in the finest silk panties like royalty. Said Kilmer:

“The Bacchus Parade and its association with the hospital is really motivating.”

He later added, to himself, in the mirror: “Don’t you ever take this for granted, Val Kilmer. Success is a gift, not a right. He giveth with one hand and taketh awayeth with the other. Only 40 people before you have been crowned king of this parade. Don’t let them down. You stand on the shoulders of giants. There’s no stopping you. There is no stopping you. But don’t let your head get to big for that crown. One foot in front of the other. Show people that anything is possible.”

Click through 2 enlarge. (Photo via Dlisted.)

No Eric Nies, You Were Not Almost Batman

Lindsay Robertson — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:56:36 +0000

We got an urgent tip the other night telling us that we absolutely must watch this week’s episode of the Vh1 sadlebreality show Confessions Of A Teen Idol because of an insane story Eric Nies (The first Real World, The Grind) tells during a washed-up-actors therapy session. And it’s true. I don’t want to ruin it with too much description, but it’s pretty amazing. You can see Eric wish he hadn’t started telling this story (making it up) about halfway through:

Val Kilmer Refuses To Stop Living The Life

Gabe — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:19:26 +0000

Val Kilmer is letting his being invited to reign as the “celebrity king” at a parade that is held two days before Mardi Gras go to his head. “Still got it, Kilmer.” That is him talking to himself this week after the exciting parade news broke. Now, high off of his pre-Mardi Gras success, he’s contemplating a run for governor of New Mexico. It just makes sense. From the New York Post:

Following in the footsteps of California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor Val Kilmer said he is pondering running for governor of New Mexico next year.

“I’m just looking for ways to be contributive,” Kilmer told The Associated Press. “And if that ends up being where I can make a substantial contribution, then I’ll run.”

But there’s no decision yet.

“It’s really day to day,” said Kilmer, 49, who in 1995 played the superhero in “Batman Forever.”

That final reference to Batman Forever makes me lol. It’s like the second rule of journalism:

Val Kilmer Is Living The Life

Gabe — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 15:07:10 +0000

This paragraph from the AP is basically perfect:

NEW ORLEANS – “Batman Forever” star Val Kilmer will reign as celebrity king when the Krewe of Bacchus parade rolls through New Orleans on Feb. 22, two days before Mardi Gras.

Every morning the “Batman Forever” star wakes up, looks in the mirror, and thanks God. Never in a million years would he have thought that all this would happen to him. Some people only dream about it. He doesn’t know what he did right in a past life to deserve all this. Never take it for granted. “You lucky son of a bitch,” he says.

Can You Believe These Fucking Guys Were Batman?

Gabe — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:12:49 +0000

Now that it’s been more than a month since the release of The Dark Knight and we can step back and finally have some perspective on the phenomenon of the second highest grossing movie of all time, one thing has become really clear: it’s amazing that the people who played Batman before did that. (The working title of this list was “FINALLY, AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.”) It’s not even a question of “Who Was the Best Batman?” because that’s obvious. It’s Christian Bale. We all know that. It was the the cover story on last month’s issue of Duh Aficionado magazine. But seriously, the other guys who played Batman? Can you believe these fucking guys?