Videogum » The Pick Up Artist

The Pick-Up Artist: The Movie

Gabe — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 15:00:17 +0000

Hollywood is taking another shot at turning Neil Strauss’s awful book into a movie. Kind of wish they would just bring the reality show back instead.

Ted Danson Was The Original Pick-Up Artist

Gabe — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 13:01:30 +0000

Ted Danson! You’re giving away all of our secrets! What a traitor! President Mystery, throw him in Guy Jail!

What is that book he’s reading from, anyway? The Big Book Of Boringest Things You Can Think of to Say to Someone? “Are you tired? Because I’m attracted to you all day.” That’s page three of his book. Of course, things were simpler back then. It was easy to peacock by just sitting in an easy chair like a sissy about to enjoy a cup of tea and some neighborhood gossip. “Ooh, what’s his story?” When you wanted to bounce a target out of a three-set to a second location, you just kino-escalated by pointing your laser tag gun at her chest plate and inviting her to buy you an ice cold Tab. Now, of course, you need a welder’s mask and a shirt soaked in blood to even get a girl’s attention. (Via EverythingIsTerrible, obviously.)

These Mormon Pickup Lines Would Make The Pickup Artist Cry

Lindsay Robertson — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 11:50:11 +0000

Well, here’s a real video of Mormon guys demonstrating their best pickup lines. The “You’re a tall drink of water, and I’m thirsty!” one is kind of Mormon-filthy!:

Whoa, wait a second, this is from 2006 at the earliest. Was Clayton McDonald the Mormon inspiration for Chuck Bass? SCANDAL! Wanna hear my Mormon pickup line? Here it is: “I’m not wearing any special undergarments.”

The Pick Up Artist 2: Reunion Episode

Gabe — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:39:38 +0000

There is no Pick Up Artist reunion episode.

But there is a video from the “Official” Pick Up Artist season 2 finale viewing party, which was a reunion of sorts. The cast is all there for Simeon’s triumphant moment. Mystery is there. So is that weird “sex therapist prostitute.” Why is she there? Aren’t they cured now? She should be back at the prostitute house, making that money. No indication on whether J-Dawg was there. He flew to close to the sun and his WINGMENS MELTED. Biblical.

Video after the jump.

The Pick Up Artist 2: Season Finale

Gabe — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 10:53:38 +0000

After eight long weeks, the students have become the masters. If by students you mean nerds, and if by masters you mean nerds in disguise. After Greg The Liar‘s shocking elimination last week, it’s down to Matt and Simeon. One of them will win 50,000 dollars, a vacation with Mystery, and the chance to call himself The Pick Up Artist. Woof. If the tired joke of “what’s second place? something better” hadn’t already been invented a thousand years ago, it would have been invented for the winner of this show, because money aside that is a rough prize package. And they really stress the demonstrative adjective “the” whenever they talk about the would-be winner of this competition, because everyone gets the door prize of being “a” pick up artist. Anyway:

Simeon is glad that Matt walks through the door instead of Greg, because he thinks that Matt is the person “worthy” of the final challenge. Haha. Right. “Worthy.” Whoops, for a second there I thought we were talking about a meritocratic title of distinction, like a laureate, or an honoree, rather than a fellow competitor on a mini-season reality TV show based on raw nerve humiliation and sexual lies. But no, totally, Matt is the only one “worthy.”

The Pick Up Artist 2: Friends Don’t Let Friends Be On This Show

Gabe — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 13:47:25 +0000

There is no Sexual Quickfire Challenge this week since it’s down to the final three. There is only one challenge, and it is the most dubious and uncomfortable yet. More dubious and uncomfortable than going to a Phoenix-area Denny’s and pretending to hit on “swimsuit models”? Yes. Because this week, each of the boys will be reunited with one of their best friends, and the challenge is to teach those friends what they have learned. Whoever takes the most from the 24-hour crash course in douchebaggery and manages to F-Close a girl at the bar wins the challenge.

In all seriousness, the psychological pain that one would suffer simply by HAVING a friend appear on this show is so unbearable to even imagine that I can’t understand what kind of MAGIC RELATIONSHIP BUILT ON THE POWER OF TRUST AND UNDERSTANDING they must have with their friends to convince them to participate in this. Is it me? Do I not understand the true meaning of friendship. No. It is not me. These men have made a terrible mistake.

Fucking Liars: The Pick Up Artist 2 Contestant Greg Is A RINGER!

Gabe — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 15:34:43 +0000

As we all know (every single one of us), the winner of Season 1 of The Pick Up Artist, Kosmo, turned out to be a struggling actor named Alvaro Orlando, who had an online acting reel and everything. He was a plant! The other guys were just patsies! It’s not unusual for contestants on other reality shows like American Idol or Project Runway to have already dabbled in the professional industry to which they hope to win entrance. Kelly Clarkson had already signed a contract with a record deal before she won Simon Cowell’s heart! Jeffrey Sebelia already owned and operated his own clothing line, Cosa Nostra, with a list of celebrity clientelle before trying out for Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn. But for a show that purports to teach insecure young men with powerful social anxieties how to feel confident and enjoy successful interactions with other human beings, the use of an actor is disheartening. You mean to tell me that a nerd armed with a battery of tacky pickup lines written by a Canadian magician CAN’T just pick up any stripper he wants?

Well, it’s happened again.

The Pick Up Artist 2: Make Out Club

Gabe — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:15:15 +0000

It’s down to the final four: Rian, Greg, Simeon, and Matt, also known as Crybaby, Plant, Yikes, and Jew. I don’t really think Greg is a plant, I GUESS, but I do feel like it would be way easier to take a comfortable, relatively handsome young man in a graphic tee and a graphic blazer and temporarily transform him into a dweebish science nerd with long hair and a Large Hadron Collider t-shirt than the other way around, if you know what I’m saying. I’m saying that it would be easier to pull off the transformation required to make you think he was a nerd at the beginning of the show than the transformation he has supposedly gone through if he had actually been a nerd. Matt on the other hand started the show as a Jew and is going to end the show as a Jew, no matter how many strippers he fucks on the way.

This week begins at the grocery store, because the one true test of a pick up artist is if he can get a girl’s number at the free chocolate fountain sample table? What was that all about? I’ve been to dozens, literally dozens of grocery stores in my lifetime, many of them with free samples, but none of them had a chocolate fountain table. You know why? Because a) it is difficult to keep chocolate fountains up to health code standards, and b) because no one buys chocolate fountains. You rent them for a bar mitzvah or a baby shower for someone at your office. The end.

The Pick Up Artist 2: With Negs Like These Who Needs Enemies

Gabe — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 13:05:54 +0000

This week, Mystery explains that the boys need to work on their “verbal DHVs,” because all of their games are lacking. Wait, all of a sudden saying “Did you guys see the fight outside?” and “My buddies and I just completed a caper and we’re partying like it’s the end of Oceans 11″ isn’t enough to let the ladies know you’re a catch? Argh, where’s my terrifying sex monster notebook. I should be writing this down! In order to test the boys on their ability to sell themselves to stupid women at horrible bars, they must first sell themselves to society women at a fundraiser in Scottsdale. Sure. If these boys can’t embarrass older women into donating to a worthy cause due to the embarrassment of being caught on camera in any way associated with this show, then how will they ever expect to have drunken, meaningless sex with the chubby girl they ended up with after the pretty girl inevitably shot them down?

The Pick Up Artist 2: Risky Sadness

Gabe — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:14:36 +0000

This week’s episode is all about “kino escalation” which is Mystery’s Dungeons and Dragons term for “touching girls.” The first thing he makes the boys do is tell him on national TV what their sexual experience consists of. This would seem incredibly embarrassing, except that as soon as they’re done sharing, Mystery invites two prostitutes into the living room, who ask the boys to make out with a mannequin in front of everyone to demonstrate their “technique.” So, actually, the sexual histories thing is the least of their embarrassments. And while it’s true that this isn’t as bad as in season 1 when the contestants had to show how they would kiss a woman by practicing on a peach, that’s like saying that Rush Hour 2 isn’t that racist because Rush Hour is more racist. They’re both fucking racist-ass Rush Hours.