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The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: The Lovely Bones

Gabe — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 22:45:39 +0000

I hate Alice Sebold’s novel, The Lovely Bones. It is probably one of my least favorite books of all time. It’s basically the Tuesdays with Morrie (another horrible horrible book) of child-rape/murder. Oh, make no mistake, if you want to read a book in which a child is raped and murdered but you ALSO want it to be filled with trite macrame-philosophy about the meaning of life and have a happy ending, then there is nothing better than The Lovely Bones. But why do you want that? Maybe you should go to your therapist, or if you don’t have a therapist, get a therapist and go to your therapist, and figure out why you want that. But for as much as I hate The Lovely Bones as a book, it is as nothing as compared to how much I now hate The Lovely Bones as a movie. At the very least, The Lovely Bones: the Book was probably a way for Alice Sebold to work through the personal trauma of being raped (which she also writes about in her memoir Lucky) and we all just had the misfortune of sitting in on her Dream Journal (Nightmare Journal?) or whatever. The movie, on the other hand, isn’t helping anyone, not even Alice Sebold. It is just a big pile of trash, and it should be unceremoniously dumped into a sink hole and covered with dirt.

The Lovely Bones Poster Is The Creepiest

Gabe — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:18:38 +0000

For the record (again) I hate Alice Sebold’s book The Lovely Bones. It is the Tuesdays with Morrie of horrific child-rape-homicide. “Rarely have I been so uplifted by a horrific child-rape-homicide. The last time I felt this great was watching Roberto Benigni’s hilarious romantic comedy about Jews dying in concentration camps.” But man, whatever you think of that book (whether you hate it or whether you super-hate it), you have to admit that this poster is the new creepness.

“I THINK THERE’S BEEN A RAPE UP THERE!”
–Bavid Drent

“UGH UGH UGH.”
–Santos Claude

“This holiday season, heaven is just a brutal rape-murder away.” That is what the tagline for this movie should be. “In cornfields, no one can hear you raped.” Look at her eyes. “Uh oh, is that a rape up ahead?” Yup. She’s walking right towards a super-scary rape. Oh hi HEAVEN! I see heaven poking through the clouds. “Dear Susie, my name is heaven and you have been raped.” I want to throw this movie in the fires of Mount Doom. Get it? You get it. If anyone sees this poster and is actually MORE inclined to go see the movie, they have to watch it on the bus to jail. WE’RE GONNA NEED A FASTER BUS!

The Lovely Bones Brings Magic And Wonder Back To Child Rape-Homicide

Gabe — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:43:15 +0000

The Lovely Bones trailer, you guys:

He has done it! Peter Jackson has brought Alice Sebold’s miserable book The Lovely Bones (the Tuesdays with Morrie of horrific child rape-homicide) to life/death! It does look a little like What Dreams May Come, but I bet you that in Peter Jackson’s heaven, no dead children are pretending to be Asian airline stewardesses. And if nothing else, the math is definitely in Jackson’s favor:

Mark Wahlberg > Robin Williams
Susan Sarandon > Cuba Gooding Jr.
Michael Imperioli +/- Annabella Sciorra
Child Rape Homicide Car Crash

Bingo.

First Look At Peter Jackson’s Heaven In The Lovely Bones

Gabe — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 15:18:56 +0000

Peter Jackson has been hard at work on his adaptation of Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones, which has sold over 10 million copies since it was published in 2002, making it the Tuesdays with Morrie of horrific rape-murder. The Lovely Bones takes place in the 1970s, and tells the story of a family’s dissolution and recovery in the wake of a teenage daughter’s death, told through the eyes of the murdered girl, who exists somewhere between heaven and Earth. Today, a first image of Jackson’s “heaven” has been circulating on the internet. As he explains, it was important to stick to Sebold’s vision, and to avoid giving some kind of definitive picture of what the afterlife (which may or may not exist, according to some scientists) looks like. From Stuff.co.nz:

Jackson told USA Today he had stuck to Sebold’s idea that Susie was caught between heaven and Earth.

“We certainly had no intention of using this movie to paint a definitive picture of what heaven is like, and who resides there,” he said.

“She [Susie] is in an ‘in-between’, as Alice Sebold calls it. We wanted the world to be ruled by Susie’s unconscious desires. Susie’s ‘in-between’ begins as a powerful, beautiful and mysterious place it is familiar and strange, comforting and sad. A young 14-year-old girl’s idea of ‘heaven’.

So, how did he do?