Read More...

This is a pretty big day for the Obama administration, but it’s quite possibly an even BIGGER day for Jay Leno (no it is not). He will inevitably address the death of Osama Bin Laden during his opening monologue on The Jay Leno Show tonight. But how? What will he say? Here are some suggestions:

• “Osama Bin Laden is dead, but Donald Trump still wants to see the death certificate.”
• “Does this mean I get to wear an EXTRA pair of shoes when I go through airport security?”
• “It was reported that after his body was identified, Osama Bin Laden was buried at sea. Now America faces a new enemy: upset fish!”
• “The death of Osama Bin Laden marks the end of a 10 year manhunt. Now the government can turn its attention to other pressing issues, like who shot J.R. and where is the beef?”
• “Osama Bin Laden was found living in a million dollar compound with 15 foot high walls covered in barbed wire. No word on whether or not he had an airplane hangar filled with hundreds of antique cars.”

Lucky for Jay, even if he doesn’t quite nail it tonight, he can (and will) just keep trying for the next 10 years. Replace two or three Monica Lewinsky jokes from each night’s monologue with Osama Bin Laden jokes and keep chipping away at the thing until he’s got it perfect.

• Team Talk Show
• The Conan O’Brien Diminished Hopes And Dreams Hour
• Conan O’Brien’s Nightly Reminder That The World Is Never What You Expect It To Be
• Tonight’s Show

See how these stack up against the real thing after the jump! (Oof. Relax.)

Read More...

And now, it is with great displeasure that I stick a sewing needle in your balloon and tell you that category will not be televised. The Emmy producers (who have quite a lot of unordered pizzas headed their way) have decided against airing the announcement of the nominees and then the winner of the late night category. One of Conan’s writers (Deon Cole) tweeted, “NOT ‘NBC’ but the powers that be has sent us an email saying that the category we are nominated for will not be televised this year! really?”

I am not one to buy into Evil Hollywood Conspiracy Theories. That place is completely coconuts, so the fact that they are constantly changing the rules seems less a sign of some nefarious backroom deals and more a sign that this month’s cocaine omelets were too light on the goat cheese, or whatever. But this is curious! The Emmys are a super boring waste of time and energy, and the award for Best Writing in Late Night Comedy was one of the few awards that actually seemed worthwhile to watch since everyone competing (staffs of Daily Show, Colbert Report, Saturday Night Live, for example) were genuinely talented and hard working people who cared about what they were doing, a seeming rarity in television. Admittedly, they are always robbed, year after year, by Jon Cryer, who somehow manages to win the Best Writing in Late Night Comedy single-handedly for his role as Ducky on Two and a Half Men. But still. They were nominated! And we got to see their faces. You have to admit that in a year that has proven explosive (EXPLOSIVE!) for televised late night comedy, when the overwhelming greed and short-sightedness of the entertainment industry was laid bare, this certainly seems suspicious.

BREAKING NEWS: Sometimes Hollywood works hard to hide the things that make it look bad. MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

Wait a second.

Let me just get this straight. Jay Leno capitalized on an attempted terror attack on American soil, in New York city no less, where bad memories remain for most Americans concerning the last such event, a thwarted attack that serves to underline the TWO FUCKING WARS AMERICA REMAINS EMBROILED IN PROBABLY FOREVER, not to mention an attack that will inevitably keep us in the near-constant state of racist paranoia that has been the trademark of this new century, in order to score a cheap potshot against the dude who got fired so that Jay could keep his job? Do I have that right?

WOOOOOOOOF.

Now look:

Read More...