Didn’t we all agree that 300 kind of sucked? I was pretty sure that we all agreed that 300 kind of sucked. I know for sure that everyone agreed that Clash of the Titans sucked, and if memory serves, we all were pretty much on the same page about 10,000 B.C. sucking. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time sucked. (There is also Immortals, which isn’t even out yet and I already have a feeling it is going to suck.) Do you see where I am going with this? Let me know if you see where I am going with this. Here is where I am going with this: why are there SO MANY MOVIES LIKE THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN IF THEY ALL SUCK? It’s so weird because usually Hollywood only makes really good movies, each one more unique than the last, so this trend is just really atypical. So weird. Now, if you need me, I will be over here, at the Fandango Outlet Mall, in line for The Trip tickets.

Look, I’m not trying to tell Hollywood how to do its job, (although actually, when you think about it, I guess I am kind of trying to tell Hollywood how to do its job), but you know that you are a redneck in trouble when you make a movie about a medieval witch who controls wolves with her mind and sets fires using her eyes and the least believable thing about it is your lead actor’s HAIR. I bet directors love casting Nicolas Cage in movies like this because they can just reuse old, rotting wigs from previous movies. “Back in the days of chivalry, people rarely bathed, and they almost never cleaned their wigs.” Hollywood is all about making movie magic without going over your wig budget.

Although, to be fair to Nicolas Cage, while he is the least believable thing in this (any) movie, the soundtrack is a VERY CLOSE SECOND. It’s one thing to shred black angst over a movie about the Apocalypse or whatever, but this is a movie about a couple of noble knights transporting an un-Christian wench through the forest. Methinks perchance a lute is the trick. But no. This movie is too busy writing the name of its band on its jeans with a Sharpie and thinking about joining the army to go crack some skulls like mom’s boyfriend Randy is always talking about. Camelot, FUCK YEAH!

*Sarcasm.

This trailer is particularly great if you already saw the first one because it really drives home the part of this movie that is about vikings vs. aliens. Just in case you were wondering how much of the movie was going to be about that, the answer is so much of it. Perfect.

But poor Barrie Osborne. His time in the limelight was so brief. Don’t worry, Barrie. You’re still my favorite producer of Lord of the Ring.

I would have been sold by the vikings vs aliens premise alone, but to know that Lord of the Rings producer Barrie Osborne is somehow involved? The Barrie Osborne? Who the fuck is Barrie Osborne? Whatever, this movie looks great. I’m going to pretend that every other neo-medieval man-vs-dragon movie (Reign of Fire, Dragon Wars) hasn’t sucked. Maybe it was the helicopters. You’d think that armored helicopters vs. dragons would be a really smart idea, but it’s always a FAIL. Armored spacecopters vs. spacedragons, however, is way, way different. Fingers crossed.

(via Thomas Jane)

Actually, what I said was “they should make The Pianist but no Holocaust, really confusing, spaceships, and make sure there are NECROMUTANTS with BONEBLAEDS that grow from their arms.” I mean, if you want to know what I really said.

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