I am not touching this one. I’m just going to stand here in the falling snow and watch Chris Matthews morosely climb the steps into the armored bus heading to Race Jail. He’s all yours, Warden! This thing is literally a suicide-race-bomb strapped to Matthews’s giant barrel chest, and anyone who gets too close is going to get blown into mind-pieces. CAREFUL! Chris Matthews is the Black Hurt Locker.

Did you watch the State of the Union last night, btw? (We use expressions like “btw” when talking about the most serious and important of political addresses now. We SEXT about it.) I thought it was pretty good!

Read More...

It is a shame that someone thought it would be funny to denigrate the noble sport of horse racing by naming their horse Hoof Hearted. That is not funny, sir, it is disgusting. To think of all the respect that the sport has earned over the years, casually thrown away on the adolescent whim of a man-child. The fellows at the local OTB can hardly even finish their brown-paper-bags of rotgut whiskey and malt liquor. Their shame and disgust at this betrayal from one of their own is almost enough to make them put down their chits and go home to their families. Almost. They’ll take their chances that the next horses have more noble names. Cheesecake Pie, and Doctor Mouth, and Little Balls. They’ll keep gambling for today, in their tattered suits and their smeared coveralls, but please be more careful. Ah, if you’ll excuse me, Tony just threw up in one of the cashier window pass-throughs. I think I’ve made my point, gentlemen. (Thanks for the tip, Becca.)

Oh no, why won’t we let them leave? We should let them leave! But first we should buy tickets to this movie. “Hold on, aliens, we will let you go just as soon as Fandango has finished loading.”

I will tell you this, though: the race riots of the late ’60s that transformed the American social landscape forever would have been a lot different if there had been more mecha. For one thing, Jeffrey Eugenides’s Pulitzer Prize winning novel would have been called Mechasex. And Alex Haley would have helped to co-write The Autobiography of Mecha X. And, of course, years later, as a powerful reminder of how far we still had to go as a country, the Million Mecha March. Well this has taken an awful turn! This guy knows what I’m talking about. Once you start in with the terrible pun jokes you can’t stop, and the next thing you know you’ve got your own Page-A-Day calendar.

Um, you guys, my mind just broke.

Read More...