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That’s Your First Grade Teacher: Sasha Grey

Gabe — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 19:00:00 +0000

Sasha Grey recently read to a group of first graders, obviously. What did you think? That Sasha Grey DIDN’T read to a group of first graders? Be realistic. From TMZ:

TMZ has obtained photos of Sasha reading children’s books at Emerson Elementary School in Compton on November 2nd … participating in the Read Across America program. Grey, who hasn’t done porn in 2 years, may have been invited because she’s mainstream now, with credits which include “Entourage.”

Sasha tweeted about the experience — calling the students the “sweetest” ever. However, not everyone saw it that way … some angry parents complained to the PTA — who then contacted the school’s principal … but there’s one problem. A rep for the school district is flatly denying Sasha was ever inside one of its classrooms — telling TMZ, “We have several celebrities who read to our students each year. The actress you have indicated [Sasha] was not present.”

Yeah, she definitely was invited because of Entourage. Her work in pornography may or may not be appropriate for first graders, hard to tell, could go either way on that one, but her work on Entourage explains EVERYTHING. “Do you know Turtle in real life?” That’s a real question that a first grader definitely asks anyone who’s even visited the Entourage set, much less had a plotline in which they almost ruined Vincent Chase’s career with cocaine-fueled sex parties. In any case, it doesn’t matter why she was invited because she wasn’t and this never happened. So forget it. Nevermind. You probably dreamed it!

Zachary Briggs IS Available For Your Porn Movie

Gabe — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 18:00:26 +0000

Just in case any porn producers out there who look shit up on YouTube were under the misconception that Zachary Briggs is NOT available for your porn movie, he has issued an important clarification:

Come on, porn producers, hire this guy! He has definitely only been saving his virginity for your movie, otherwise he would have lost it a long time ago. Lucky US! (Thanks for the tip, werttrew.)

Bin Laden Porno, Obviously

Gabe — Wed, 25 May 2011 17:15:51 +0000

There’s going to be a porno parody made about Bin Laden. No duh. Seal Team Sex? (Lazy.) 72 Anal Virgins? (Gross. But better.)

That’s Your Girlfriend: German Porno Foley Artist

Gabe — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 16:00:20 +0000

“One thing that I’m definitely looking for in a girlfriend is a woman who knows how to support herself. I’m not saying that if things get serious and we start to build a life together that we won’t have to have a serious conversation about our goals and where our careers fit into those goals. It can be very difficult for two professional people to make it work, because two different sets of aspirations often lead in two very different directions. But to know that she’s got that inner strength and that self-reliance, that’s a big turn on for me. I’m trying to date a woman, not a child. That being said, if child-like moaning is one of the aspects of her job, I wont’ complain. If she likes to suck her thumb to simulate the sound of oral pleasure, and smack her damp hands together when things really get going, well, it’s all in a day’s work. I’m not going to criticize her or laugh at her for that, just as I would hope she wouldn’t come to my work and point at all of the important papers on my desk and laugh and say “look at those gross papers it makes me feel weird to watch you doing your work.” Oh, I also want my girlfriend to be 60 years old and German.”

- You

The Porno Switcheroo Archives: Dora The Explorer DVD

Gabe — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 14:30:33 +0000

Our research suggests that the last year without any reported porno switcheroos was 1963 when not a single mimeograph machine accidentally spewed out hundreds of blue-tinted copies of an image of a pregnant woman’s ankles. Ever since then, it’s been non-stop porno switcheroos, and the streak continues with the first porno switcheroo of 2011. From the New York Daily News:

A Queens mom says a Long Island Toys “R” Us store sold her a kid-friendly “Go, Diego, Go!” video that turned out to be an X-rated surprise.

Candice Connor’s jaw dropped when she and her two young boys sat down to watch the cartoon about the animal-loving Nickelodeon character and saw a nude couple having sex.

THE COUPLE HAVING SEX WAS NUDE!!!!! OUTRAGE!!!!! PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH YOUR CLOTHES ON FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN!!!! Haha. Man, I do love journalism, you know? Because I have a feeling whoever wrote this article ASKED THE QUESTION to get that riveting detail. “What was the couple wearing? Ma’am, please, I’m just trying to do my job. Now when you say nude, you’re talking completely nude, or was the lady maybe wearing lucite heels? Any notable bruises or tattoos? Hold on, sorry, I am a slow note-taker.”

Any idea what the porno that they ended up watching by mistake was called? It wouldn’t be something completely hilarious would it?

Finally A Video Game For People Who Want To Sleep With Cable Access Commercials For Local Graphic Design College

Gabe — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 21:15:11 +0000

This video of a demo of a new game for the XBOX Kinect is kind of NSFW, I guess? I mean, it basically features Buzz Lightyear wearing crotchless panties, so if that’s going to be a problem, just be aware.

Haha. Fair enough! If rubbing your Nintendo VirtualBoy ghost hand all over the Sims chest of some Lawnmower Woman is “hot” then go for it. Although, I do really hope that she moans with a Radiohead OK Computer voice. That would be sexy I MEAN HILARIOUS. (Via TheWorldsBestEver.)

NSFW: A Porno Based On Kanye West And Taylor Swift

Gabe — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 19:00:28 +0000

I think we can all agree that if there is one idea that is both timely AND appropriate, it is a pornographic movie based on Kanye West and Taylor Swift. If anything, it’s TOO SOON for this GREAT IDEA. From ONTD:

The adult video giant confirms to HollywoodLife.com exclusively that an adult film based on Kanye and Taylor’s ongoing war of words might not be far off. “Vivid is definitely considering the situation between Taylor and Kanye for a movie,” reveals Steven Hirsch, founder and co-chairman of Vivid Entertainment. “Of course, our take would be in parody form and could heat up the relationship between the two.”

Haha. Vivid founder and co-chairman Steven Hirsch plays his cards PRETTY CLOSE TO HIS VEST. The movie COULD heat up the relationship between the two. That’s not to say it will. He’s just putting all the options on the table before they make any decisions about whether or not to heat up the relationship between the two. Also, WHAT IS THIS MOVIE? Like, there is a thing that happened between Kanye West and Taylor Swift on stage at an awards show a year ago, but otherwise a movie about their non-existent relationship is just two strangers fucking, right? Make no mistake: some of the best pornos are just two strangers fucking, but that’s sort of my point. What does a parody of Kanye West and Taylor Swift really bring to the table? (FUN FACT: I watch porno while sitting at a table.) Unless I’m reading this all wrong and they’re actually going to hire thousands of extras to fill an elaborately decorated awards show, in which case, fair enough, and please, Vivid Entertainment, continue with your important work. Can’t wait to see whether or not the relationship heats up between those two!

NSFW: Playboy Magazine Celebrates The 25th Anniversary Of Back To The Future For Some Reason

Gabe — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 16:00:23 +0000

The past month has been chock full of nostalgic trips down memory lane for the movie Back to the Future, which celebrates its 25th anniversary this year. (Although, shouldn’t it be more like “Memory lanes? Where we’re going we don’t need memory lanes.” Get it? You get it.) So, the cast has been reunited on morning talk shows and recreated teaser trailers, casting test footage has leaked, and just in general the whole thing has been one giant Internet Meme. But I think we can ALL agree that the most fitting and important tribute to a beloved time travel comedy for children made in 1985 is a NUDE PLAYBOY SPREAD (via JoBlo). Uh, no duh. If anything, it’s TOO appropriate and TOO fitting and makes TOO much sense. Don’t be such a McFly! Just kidding. What the fuck is going on here? This is almost as weird and inappropriate as last October when Marge Simpson was on the cover of Playboy. What was THAT all about? What is THIS all about? And why is the naked chick on a hoverboard riding through fucking OUTER SPACE? Like, it’s one thing to do a nude tribute to a movie that does not require a nude tribute, but at the very least, shouldn’t the tribute be an actual tribute, regardless of the nudity? I guess it’s hard to concentrate. “In order to truly honor this pop cultural landmark, we should focus on the…whoa! Tits! PUT IT IN SPACE, I DON’T KNOW!”

Click through to enlarge, boys. Whoops. Sorry! No entendro.

The Porno Switcheroo Archives: Penisdokumentista Ad Cache

Gabe — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 15:45:57 +0000

You know that great part in that awesome movie, Bruce Almighty, when Jim Carrey has to sit and answer God’s Emails (oh brother), and they just keep pouring in from all over the world? That’s how I feel sometimes, but with emails from people about new Porno Switcheroos. Who knew there were so many?! If only I could type as fast as Bruce Almighty and post all of them! Here is one from Finland…I think? From iltalehti.fi:

From the readership on Friday found 7-year-old daughter with a TV set out five of Ella Enchanted, children’s films, much to the astonishment when the ad on the screen katkolla lävähti dangling penises.

When the K-7-classification has moved to children’s advertising to the cache of about 21 at the time, a small crew to the eyes of the family were beaten K15-classified material. This was a motion on Monday to have been shifts 5D: Me and my dick-Swedish documentary trailer.

The documentary told the men, whose life revolves around their genitals.

Five TV commercial director Heidi Rose Jan considers that there is very troublesome. It was his view, human error, which was due to a change in the program position.

You know, in this mixed up fast paced topsy turvy world, it’s nice to know that Porno Switcheroos are happening the world over, and that executive programming directors all over the globe are forced to make public statements about how they are “troublesome.” SWe are all just human beings. This also explains the international appeal of the documentary Me and My Dick. I didn’t even know they watched that on TV in other countries, because I was too busy watching it on TV here. Wherever you go, there you are, you guys. Life is just a chair of bowlies, indeed. (Thanks for the tip, Face Taco.)

The Porno Switcheroo Archives: Breakfast Cereal Sex Line

Gabe — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 14:15:35 +0000

A common misconception about the Porno Switcheroo is that it is limited to visual mediums. While it is certainly true that the majority of Porno Switcheroos occur on VHS cassettes, ripped DVDs, and PowerPoint presentations, in fact, the Porno Switcheroo can be found all around us. It is in our home, in our cars, even in our offices. It is also in our charitable foundation telephone hotlines founded by NFL football players and advertised on the sides of cereal boxes.

I like when the woman complains about her daughter hearing the phone sex message at a FAMILY DINNER. Huh? Good family dinner. Just your closest loved ones and a box of novelty NFL cereal. “We should call this number, as soon as we are finished eating all this cereal.” I mean, it’s hard to make fun of someone for calling a number that they think is going to be to a charity hotline with the intention of probably donating money or even vaulable free time to alleviating the suffering of others, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try! (To make fun of them!) STUPID CEREALHEADS. (Via BuzzFeed. Thanks for the tip, Matthew.)