Videogum » Paula Abdul

X Factor Needs All New Judges, I Guess?

Kelly — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:30:09 +0000

Fox’s talent show X Factor is something that I legitimately know almost nothing about. If you can believe it. You probably don’t know anything about it either? I think it’s the same thing as America’s Got Talent, and I would definitely guess that if I were on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire and were out of lifelines, but I would be nervous. So anyway, news broke today (I got an “Important News” google alert about it) that three out of the five X Factor personalities WILL NOT be returning with the show next season! Nooooooooooo! That’s almost all of them! From Deadline:

Not only are host Steve Jones and judge Nicole Scherzinger exiting from the Fox show, but now a Simon Cowell insider just told me that his longtime friend and American Idol colleague Paula Abdul won’t be returning as an X Factor judge next season.

Simon Cowell insider? Simon Cowell hardly know ‘er!!! Hahahahah. Anway, NOOOOO, take Nicole Scherzinger if you want, BUT SURELY YOU MUST LEAVE PAULA ABDUL! Our nation’s beautiful princess! Devastating. This news is actually kind of interesting to me — not “interesting” in a way that makes your brain grow, but “interesting” in a way that makes your brain shrink? — because that seems like a crazy thing, to get rid of almost all of the people on whole dumb show! Right? WHAT WILL THEY BE REPLACED WITH? Who would they have to replace them with to get you to watch this show? These are my choices:

2011 Wastes No Time In The People Falling On Their Heads Department

Gabe — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 14:30:09 +0000

So it begins. You open up your iCal and all you see are POSSIBILITIES. (Via DailyWhat.)

Different Year, Same Paula Abdul

Gabe — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 21:30:54 +0000

“Having a brain, yes, that’s a concept. With Paula Abdul.”
– Paula Abdul (1962-2012)

“Right. Yup.”
– MC Skat Kat (1827-2012)

The more things change the more they stay the retarded. 2011 let’s goooooooo! (Via WarmingGlow.)

Oh, American Idol Arcade Game, We Hardly/Never Knew You

Gabe — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 11:11:14 +0000

Have you ever had something taken away that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with? It’s a strange feeling. There’s loss and remorse, but loss and remorse over what? Loss and remorse over what might have been! That’s what. Such is the case with the American Idol Arcade Videogame DVD Factory Kiosk. In an ideal world, this game would be a coin-operated (or dollar-bill-operated, or whatever) booth in an arcade where you could sing karaoke to your favorite songs, and most importantly, A DVD OF YOUR PERFORMANCE WOULD BE RECORDED. Yesssss. It was in development, but it has been canceled. No one remains untouched by this economic crisis, not even the American Idol Arcade Videogame DVD Factory Kiosk. In any case, the game’s programmers and developers aren’t happy! Angry nerds! Well I am not happy either. Because just look at the glimpse these test videos provide of what might have been:

Ellen Degeneres’s Big Announcement

Gabe — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 09:22:45 +0000

As you may have heard, Ellen Degeneres, America’s sweetheart, made a pretty big announcement on her show yesterday:

Whoops. That isn’t it. Don’t get me wrong, Ellen Degeneres playing mother nature in some stupid movie is really exciting (not really exciting). But that is definitely not what her big announcement yesterday was. Hold on. Oh, here it is:

You Can Make It Up: Paula Abdul Attends The Gathering Of The Juggalos

Gabe — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 16:39:48 +0000

Finding herself with an increased amount of spare time to fill, and having run out of walls to blankly stare at, Paul Abdul figured she should get out of the house. It had been a long summer, what with starring in that Austrian documentary about fashion, and then the whole American Idol thing, or as she liked to say to her assistants and family, American Who-dol, like, as if she didn’t know what American Idol was, even though she did know what it was, because she had been on it. It was a TV show. Every time Paula Abdul said American Who-dol to someone, she would laugh for an uncomfortably long time and then she would burst into tears. But people were glad to see her laughing. The tears, at this point, were commonplace. Paula Abdul asked her publicist if she could borrow her cell phone, because Paula’s was out of minutes, and she called up her best friend, sack of russet potatoes.

“Hello, best friend, it’s me Paula! Hi! I love you!” Paula shouted manically into the phone.

The sack of russet potatoes said nothing.

Paula Abdul Leaves American Idol In Typically Poor Fashion

Gabe — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:18:20 +0000

Paula Abdul, whoever that is, is leaving American Idol, whatever that is. Just kidding. I know who Paula Abdul is. She’s the lady who popped out of the ink well on Scat Cat’s song. And I’ve heard of American Idol. That’s where Justin Guarini jokes come from. Anyway, goodbye Paula Abdul. You will be missed, I bet, by people who actually watch that awful show. From the Hollywood Reporter:

The “Idol” judge made the announcement on her Twitter feed:

“With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to ‘Idol’ …I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from Day 1 become an international phenomenon … What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me … It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month … I do without any doubt have the BEST fans in the entire world and I love you all.”

Paula Abdul made an “important” announcement via five consecutive Tweets? UNSUBSCRIBE. I do like this remark in the AP article:

Her tweets, however, seemed to have an air of finality.

That’s a sentence someone wrote. I’m sure the Pulitzer Prize committee is frantically sanding someone else’s name off of a re-assigned medallion as we speak.

Friday Fight: Two People Who Don’t Watch American Idol Fight About American Idol Again

Lindsay Robertson — Fri, 22 May 2009 11:05:46 +0000

gabe: i cannot believe that adam lambert lost American Idol
gabe: since he is the person that i have arbitrarily decided to have been rooting for
lindsay: adam lambert did not get as many votes as my person, “Kris Allen.”
gabe: who’s she?
lindsay: She wears a bikini, I think?
lindsay: Yes, that’s correct: she wears a bikini and is called “bikini girl.”
lindsay: Kris Allen the bikini girl
gabe: i think that this proves that american idol is a bankrupt show
gabe: because the person who i have arbitrarily decided to have been more talented
gabe: did not win?
gabe: can you win American Idol?
gabe: you can win, right?

Paula Abdul Is Just A Straight Up Now Liar

Gabe — Fri, 08 May 2009 09:13:16 +0000

Earlier this week, it was reported that Paula Abdul admitted in an upcoming interview in Ladies’ Home Journal to a 12-year-long addiction to prescription painkillers, as well as a brief stint last fall/winter in a rehab center in Carisbad, California, to get sober. People keep saying this was a “shocking revelation,” or something like that. Maybe they don’t say “revelation,” but “shocking” is getting tossed around a lot. Fair enough. Personally, the only thing shocking about it is that Ladies’ Home Journal still exists and hasn’t been folded into Cat Fancy. But I feel like Paula Abdul’s 12-year-long addiction to prescription painkillers is the opposite of shocking, as it has already been carefully documented in everything that Paula Abdul has done. Because ah-DUH.

Well now she is saying that none of it is true. She’s even falling back on that insane “I’ve never been drunk” defense. I wish she was my lawyer. “Your honor, my case is sleepy.” From E!:

Duh Aficionado Magazine: Paula Abdul Is Addicted To Drugs

Gabe — Wed, 06 May 2009 12:22:34 +0000

Paula Abdul does a fucking ton of drugs. We know that. But now we really know it, because she’s admitting it. From People:

“I could have killed myself,” Abdul, 46, tells Ladies’ Home Journal in its June issue. “Withdrawal – it’s the worst thing.”

Abdul says she checked herself into the La Costa Resort and Spa, in Carlsbad, Calif., last Thanksgiving to help beat her use of medication. “I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain, it was excruciating,” she says. “But at my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been.”

After taking medication to combat pain from injuries that happened during her grueling years as a dancer – beginning with a back injury when she was 17 and including a neck injury sustained in a plane crash in 1993 – the American Idol judge says, “I’d been working nonstop,” and her desire to carry on with her work led her to take more pain pills.

“I’m an old school professional,” Abdul says of her “Never let them see you sweat” credo.

Yup. When I’m a millionaire, the first thing I’m going to do is bring my traveling cage to your house and I’m going to go toe-to-toe with you and lay you the fuck out but it’s going to be the best thing that ever happened to you because of all the opportunities you could never even have dreamed of. But the second thing I’m going to do is start a magazine called Yup! Magazine and whenever something like this happens it is going to be on the cover.