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Here Are Some Afternoon Links!

Kelly — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 21:15:58 +0000

Please read this article about 1/3 of the audience storming out of the Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie showing at Sundance. You will like it! -EW
And the movie is apparently also available OnDemand, and for rental on YouTube? You can RENT MOVIES on YOUTUBE? See it & storm out of your own apartment. -Philebrity
Uhoh, bad news — pretty much nobody is watching NBC comedies anymore? What’s the deal with that? Don’t people like to LAUGH? -TVByTheNumbers
Oh here’s a bit of good news, though. For those of you who have been desperately seeking a piece of dried glue that’s kind of in the shape of Homer Simpson (KIND OF), it now can be yours! For the low price of about $235,000! -BuzzFeed
2012 Academy Award nominees recast with dogs. WHY NOT? TGIF! -ONTD
Wait, so Oprah ISN’T Blue Ivy’s godmother?! I’m not sure if I can live in a world in which Oprah is NOT Blue Ivy’s godmother. This is devastating news. -TVNewser
Here’s a video of a guy playing ’90s hits on his melodica for nearly seven minutes. Does that sound like something you want to watch, maybe? Everybody dance now! TGIF AGAIN! -TheDailyWhat
A Toddlers and Tiaras mom is suing The Huffington Post, TMZ, and The Daily Mail for “sexualizing” her daughter by running a video of her daughter singing ”I’m Sexy And I Know It” at a club in NYC. LOL. Good mom! Hope she wins! -Dlisted
Do you think Michael Fassbender’s penis cost him an Oscar nom? An Oscar nomnomnom? Hahah. Ugh, that was gross. Good thing the internet’s not forever! TGIF! -FilmDrunk

Here Are Some Afternoon Links!

Kelly — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:15:21 +0000

Warming Glow has dug up a clip of Joel McHale talking about Christmas gifts suggestions on some TV show in the ’90s. His hair is terrible and he looks like Corey’s older brother on Boy Meets World! Great. You should watch it. #savethesoup -WarmingGlow
Fran Drescher and her ex-husband believe that they were both abducted by aliens when they were younger, and they ALSO both have the same scar in the same spot on their bodies. The only question I have is, why did they ever break up? You guys? It was destiny! -HuffPo
Russell Crowe is mad that Ryan Gosling didn’t get any Academy Award nominations, JUST LIKE YOU ARE! You and Russel Crowe, sitting in a tree, BE-I-N-G-M-A-D. -BuzzFeed
Would you like to watch a supercut of all of the cursing in Pulp Fiction? First of all, why? Second of all, you’re in luck somehow because here’s one of those! -RatsOff
Guess who the godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby is. I’ll give you one guess. YES! Correct! It’s Oprah. They say they “didn’t want to name family members as godparents.” Why, though? Because they’re not related to OPRAH? -Gothamist
The synopsis to The Amazing Spiderman has been released. I read it. It’s uhh, well, maybe you should just read it yourself? Let me just ask, have you ever heard of Spiderman/the normal Spiderman story? -FilmDrunk
Brad Pitt, who has stated in the past that he wouldn’t marry Angeline Jolie until gay marriage was legalized everywhere, is apparently going to break his promise and marry her anyway. What the heck, Brad? NOW HOW WILL IT BE LEGALIZED? -Dlisted
Never go ice skating. Or outside of your house. Or outside of your bed. That is the point of this video. -TheDailyWhat

Zach Anner’s TV Show Starts Next Month

Gabe — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:00:07 +0000

Zach Anner’s long journey from Internet celebrity to television show host comes to its inevitable conclusion next month with the debut of Rollin’ with Zach, his travel show for the Oprah Newtwork. Good luck, Zach Anner!

Oprah Teaches Rosie O’Donnell How To Do A Tequila Shot

Gabe — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:30:34 +0000

Sure, whatever. In other news: Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi is dead and so are all those animals.

This Week In GIFs

Kelly — Fri, 27 May 2011 19:30:46 +0000

As the week comes to an end, the first thing everyone wants to do is relive it all over again in GIFs. We know that! So after the jump are all of this week’s best GIFs, and the top rated GIFs of the week as voted on by you!

You Can Make It Up: Oprah Closes Her Blockbuster Video Account After 25 Years

Gabe — Thu, 26 May 2011 22:00:03 +0000

The stadium was packed and all of the celebrities were waiting backstage with their tearful tributes. This was it! After 25 years as a member of Blockbuster Video, Oprah was officially bringing her membership to a close. Tom Cruise came out and embraced Oprah and tears fell down her face and it was incredible. Everyone who had ever worked at that Blockbuster in the 25 years that she had been a member there, renting that BBC documentary Planet Earth, and the Bridget Jones movies, and season one of Alias, which she didn’t like that much, every employee returned for the fairwell, walking down the aisle carrying vigil candles. It was a lot of employees, you can imagine, because of the high turnover of employees at a place like Blockbuster. The only former employees who did not join in the procession were those who were currently serving prison sentences, but that was only 171 of them. Everyone was on their feet. Beyonce played “Halo.” (Oprah once rented the videogame Halo thinking it was a science fiction movie. She yelled at Steadman for 20 minutes while he fiddled with the DVD player trying to get it to work. Eventually their personal chef brought up fresh-made cheddar popcorn and they just watched 60 Minutes.)

“Open your heart,” Oprah said, with tears in her eyes. “Anything is possible if you dream it, even canceling your Blockbuster membership.” It was incredible and very moving. Celine Dion was there, too.

Oprah Already Setting About Ruining People’s Lives

Gabe — Thu, 26 May 2011 20:30:55 +0000

Yesterday, Oprah ended her 25-year-old daily talk show. She must be getting bored of civilian life, because today she is already getting up in other people’s business. From an official press release:

Oprah Winfrey Network announced today it has picked up eight episodes of the new wedding series “Don’t Tell the Bride” based on the hit U.K. show of the same name.

The series gives eight cash-strapped couples a budget to create the wedding of their dreams. But here’s the catch – the bride and groom can’t see each other for the month leading up to the nuptials, and the groom has to plan the whole wedding in secret with the help of his best man and the bride knows nothing of the events!

The bride will see the invitations right when they come in the mail; she’ll try on the dress hours before she wears it down the aisle; and she’ll view the reception venue and meal when she arrives with the rest of her guests.

Does this sound like a nightmare? Or is this a chance for the groom to impress his bride? When it comes to a wedding, there’s always drama, and “Don’t Tell the Bride” promises tantrums – and a few unexpected tears of joy before “the big day” is done.

Coooooool shooooow. 25 more years, I’m sure! Admittedly, it’s no BRIDALPLASTY, also known as THE END OF CIVILIZATION, but I can’t be the only one who finds the basic premise of convincing a young couple to build the foundation of their new lives as married people on a FOUNDATION OF LIES?! To be fair (to Oprah?) any couple that agrees to be on any wedding-based reality TV show kind of gets what they deserve. Which is true love and happiness with their soul mate for ever and ever I bet! Best wishes to all those lucky ducks.

Oprah’s Last Show OR Scotty McCreery’s American Idol Win OR Animals Wearing People Clothes!

Gabe — Thu, 26 May 2011 14:15:39 +0000

There were two “important” television events yesterday: the first was Oprah Winfrey’s last show (sort of) after 25 years. I say sort of because the woman DOES have her own entire cable network. It is hardly the last we have seen of her. But it is the end of her long-running daytime talk show. I thought about watching the episode yesterday because it did seem like a whole THING that was of some kind of importance and interest to a lot of human beings, but then I remembered that I don’t really care about Oprah (no offense) and that her show was not made for me (none taken) and that it would just be an hour of my life that I would never get back. I’m sure watching Tom Cruise fake-stoically tell her how much “we” would all miss her would have changed everything for me, really turned my life around. MEANWHILE, Scotty McCreery was named the winner of the 149th season of American Idol! To give you a sense of how much I have been paying attention to that show, I’ve never even heard Scotty McCreery’s name before today. Neat! I’m sure his country-style cover of “Heard It Through the Grapevine” was incredible. Clearly, between these two INCREDIBLE TV MOMENTS, I am not doing my job very well. Tough! You cannot fire someone who has already quit. Congratulations, Kelly, here are the keys to the chocolate factory.

ANYWAY, you guys should feel free to discuss television herstory in the comments, OR you might want to post pictures of animals wearing people clothes. A picture of an animal in people clothes is worth a thousand BLOGS. Either way, up to you. Oprah can’t tell you what to do anymore.

Oprah Has Taped Her Final Show!

Gabe — Wed, 18 May 2011 13:30:47 +0000

In front of a crowd of 20,000 people at Chicago’s United Center, Oprah Winfrey taped the final two episodes of her legendary talk show. The end! Tom Hanks was there, and so was Tom Cruise, who apparently has been on the show 12 times? See also: Beyonce, Madonna, and Halle Berry. (Halle Berry?! No offense to Halle Berry, but what?) Then again, my apologies to Halle Berry, because the show also featured Dakota Fanning. What? Powerful stuff, I’m sure. Basically, at least according to the Hollywood Reporter accounting of the taping, the whole thing was a celebration of people’s love for Oprah (culminating in a performance by Usher, obviously?), which I guess makes sense since the woman has her own television network at this point, so grandiose gestures of self-congratulation are kind of her whole thing. But doesn’t the world already know that everybody loves Oprah and also that Oprah has a lot of celebrity friends? It just seems kind of pointless to have a whole show about that. If I were her, I would have used my final show to try and MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THIS WORLD. Oh man, hahahha. I am JUST KIDDING. If I was her, I would use my billions of dollars to CREATE A FLOATING SKY CASTLE MADE OUT OF CHOCOLATE AND PATÉ WHERE I WOULD LIVE AND FLOAT AROUND AND EAT OMELETS AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES. I wouldn’t even have a fucking final show. I’d just put on my favorite over-sized Bart Simpson “Eat My Shorts” t-shirt and GO TO BED. That’s what separates me and Oprah. That is the only thing.

What Should Glenn Beck Name His Cable Network?

Gabe — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 16:30:36 +0000

Glenn Beck’s contract at FOX News expires at the end of this year, and it is being widely rumored that it won’t be renewed. Awww. End of an era! This guy knows what I’m talking about. Luckily for us Beck-Heads he might start his whole own fucking network! From the New York Times:

The possibility that Glenn Beck will exit the Fox News Channel at the end of the year has prompted a big question in media circles: if he leaves, how will he bring his considerable audience with him?

Two of the options Mr. Beck has contemplated, according to people who have spoken about it with him, are a partial or wholesale takeover of a cable channel, or an expansion of his subscription video service on the Web.

Perfect. Now all we need is a name.