1. Introduction: From nearly the moment the theater darkened, I realized that a movie about the complete destruction of a city on the Pacific Ocean was maybe not what I was in the mood for and that I had very likely made a terrible mistake.

SPOILERS AWAIT YOU!

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I remember playing some old Playstation game one time about World War II where the first level is storming the beaches of Normandy and then you make your way through Nazi Germany and probably kill Hitler or something. “We’ve gotta blow up the heavy water facility, dude!” is a thing I’m pretty sure someone said to your character in the game at some point. It was a fun enough game in the way that those games can be fun, except that right away on that first level when I was getting so frustrated that I kept dying in the shallows before I could even elbow-crawl my way to a sandy barbed-wire barricade, I was awash in a genuine wave of Actual Guilt. Because my grandfather fought in World War II, and for what? So that I could have the freedom to be a piece of shit on a futon turning one of the most terrifying possible human experiences out of the entire spectrum into an “average difficulty” level on a game for Mountain Dew: Code Red enthusiasts? Unacceptable. This trailer makes me feel much the same way. Obviously, alien invasions aren’t real (or are they?!) but turning the night vision destruction of a modern city into “fantastical” Sour Patch Kidventures while there are actual real cities being destroyed right now via missiles and SKYSHIPS is kind of awful. I still might see this, but I’ll have my arms crossed the whole time. My body language will be VERY closed.

I don’t think anyone told Ne-Yo that Mad Men was a show set in the ’60s and that that’s not what offices are like anymore. He just saw an episode in his tour bus one night and was like “Phew, I am so glad I escaped the rat race.” The shoot took forever because the director kept instructing Ne-Yo to look like he was hard at work in his office, so Ne-Yo would kick his feet up on the desk, light a cigarette, and be really racist and sexist while discussing the ins and outs of marketing to Jews for forty five minutes.

Also this video would be a lot funnier if at the end he said “What did the boss have in mind?” and she fired him.