1. On the 16th day of Metageitnion, sacrifice the dearest thing in your life to the god Artemis.
2. Hunt and capture a swan, but be careful not to do so boastfully.
3. Care for your swan -- alive…   Read Story »
Step 1: Light your candles (candle holders should be silver), let burn for 15 minutes, fill your chalice with wine, and dress in your ritual robe.
Step 2: Place your pumpkin in front of you and…   Read Story »
1. Throw a shiny penny into a wishing well, holding in your mind the wish that you'd like to be able to jump farther.
2. Push nagging thoughts -- "Why do I need to know how to jump farther?" "It…   Read Story »
2. Throw the ingredients you bought for your Ramen Burger into the garbage.
3. Just kidding, get them out of the garbage; don't waste perfectly fine ingredients. Wash them off if…   Read Story »
1. Buy a piano and place it either right in the middle of your living room or off to the side of your living room. DO NOT place it in your bedroom. "But what if my bedroom has more space than my…   Read Story »
1. Wait, what do you want to do?
2. Are you okay? I don't want to seem patronizing but I know you've been going through some stuff and I just-- I guess I just want you to know that I'm here for…   Read Story »
1. Live in a beautiful wooded area with a small pond or lake type of thing in the middle. The mosquitos would be a nightmare, but don't draw attention to that fact. It probably doesn't bother you at…   Read Story »
At the Chinese restaurant that my family and I would go to when I was growing up, the wooden chopsticks had instructions for use printed on the paper sleeve and those instructions were:
1. Break…   Read Story »
1. Promise all of your friends that this is a skill you've learned. They'll doubt you, of course. It's true that there have been times in the past when you haven't come through on your promises, but…   Read Story »
1. Wonder why it's so important to be able to fold a shirt "correctly."
2. They're your shirts! YOUR SHIRTS! If you don't care whether or not they're folded "correctly," whatever that even means,…   Read Story »
After watching Death Sentence, a terrible movie starring Kevin Bacon as a father in search of vigilante justice directed by Saw's James Wan, Gabe embarked on The Hunt For The Worst Movie of All Time. This is his sad journey.