Looking good, dudes! Could you aim the Shake Weight for Men a little more towards your mouth? A little more? A little more? Perfect.

Here’s a fun game to play, guess which of these quotes is a testimonial to the Shake Weight for Men, and which is someone describing their first homosexual experience:

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Mike Tyson Pro-Tip For A Successful Weekend #11: We all like to have fun, but sometimes things get out of hand, and it’s important to keep your head on straight. A successful weekend often means hanging out with friends and relieving the stress of the work week, yes, but on a more fundamental level a successful weekend is also a safe weekend, when you don’t end up in the hospital or jail. If you find yourself in a tense situation, you can often talk your way out of it. Violence is almost never a good solution. Perhaps a boast might work. If you feel threatened by someone at a bar, nightclub, movie theater, community center pottery class, or murder mystery dinner party, try telling them that you will fuck them in the ass if they don’t leave you alone. If that doesn’t work, tell them that you will eat their asshole alive. Something to show them that you are a powerful, heterosexual man, who is not afraid of them. At this point, you should probably extricate yourself from the situation completely. Remember: there is no shame in just walking away. In fact, that is the most courageous thing to do. If, however, you find yourself stuck somewhere and must defend yourself (verbally, if things get physical, have a friend call the police from a payphone) remind your aggressor that they are a faggot, and that you will fuck them until they love you. When they look at you confused, kiss them, and then make your way home. You have a brunch to get to in the morning, mister!* (Via FourFour.)

*Do not do any of this.

You guys want to come over and play some Muscle March? SHIRTS OPTIONAL. We’ll split up into two teams, as we always do, Pants and No Pants. Obviously, this is always problematic since everyone wants to be on Team No Pants, so during halftime we’ll switch. I’ll pick up a large jar of Vaseline in case our hands get sore. You know from all the videogames. Or whatever. Just in case. I’ll have it, we don’t have to put rules on it. It’s like that old song goes, “I want to wad you up into my pants.” Let’s muscle! (Via BuzzFeed.)

Bromance.

The lengths that teenagers will go to pretend that they’re not fucking with you while still fucking with you very hard will never not be funny to me (as long as I don’t actually have to be around these goons). “What if he drops his wallet and I’m just standing behind him stretching” is genius. “What if we’re on the dance floor and he gets really sick all of a sudden with a potentially fatal disease that forces you to get on both knees, and like there’s no time to rush him to the hospital, and it just so happens that the medicine he needs to save him is on my cock, excuse me, sir, male genitalia, and he is getting the medicine but he happens to be getting it in time with the music? BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN DANCING, THOUGH, THAT’S JUST MEDICAL ATTENTION.”

And the non-sequiturial “have fun at dinner” as they walk out just kills me. “Have fun at dinner” is the “fuck you” of 2009. Write it down. These guys need to cut their hair and get a job. Hosting their own show on television.