Videogum » Gross

Hey Brad Pitt, Is Angelina Jolie Still A Bad Girl?

Kelly — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 20:45:14 +0000

Over the past decade or so, Angelina Jolie’s public image has moved from that of a blood-necklace wearing bad girl with tattoos dating a weirdo, to that of a ~~husband-stealing~~, ~~Jennifer-Anniston’s-life-ruining~~, ~~I can’t believe she did that!~~, ~~how could she!!!~~, ~~Jennifer Anniston is so sad~~ White House visiting mother with remnants of tattoos that she is in the process of getting removed, dating Brad Pitt. It’s fine. We all change, we all grow up. At some point we all have to put down the Manic Panic and move upload all of our our Dead Kennedys CDs onto the computer, so we can load them onto our iPhone, right next to Deerhunter and the Dirty Projectors, where they will sit largely unlistened t0 for the rest of our lives. But luckily for most of us, we get to do this in the privacy of our own apartments and high school yearbook photos. Someone like poor old Angelina Jolie has to do it right in the public eye, and now the entire world’s public asking in chorus — “Angelina, ARE YOU STILL A BAD GIRL???” Except sometimes we’re not asking her, and sometimes we’re asking her boyfriend, Brad Pitt — desperately searching for an answer, no matter where we can get it from. So Brad Pitt, PLEASE answer the question. IS ANGELINA STILL A BAD GIRL? From CBS:

Uhh, Let’s Not Go To A Taping Of Good Luck Charlie

Kelly — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:45:13 +0000

Apparently there is a show on the Disney channel called Good Luck Charlie. I really do feel like I have a good understanding of the shows that are on the Disney channel, because for some reason people talk about them all the time, but WHAT IS THIS SHOW? Do any of the cast members even date anyone in Hollywood? Why haven’t I ever heard of them? In any case, a woman and her family went to a taping of it recently and the woman, named Kellie, which, sure, spell my name that way, was pulled out of the audience by the warm-up comedian named Ron Pearson. And now she is filing a lawsuit because GROSS EWW LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! From TMZ:

According to the suit, Kellie was later chosen to participate in an audience competition — in which the contestants would perform a “silly dance” to the Village People’s YMCA and the winner would get a prize.

Kellie claims she began to dance when “all of a sudden and without warning, Pearson started spanking [her] buttocks with his hands.”

In the suit, Kellie continues, “The unwarranted and unconsented spanking was RELENTLESS and did not cease until [Kellie] physically turned around to stop it.

The worst part — Kellie claims she didn’t even win the dance contest.

DIDN’T EVEN WIN THE DANCE CONTEST? After she let him spank her what seems like a lot of times? Like, way too many times? Like, why didn’t she stop him earlier? Gross, the both of you. The story goes on to say that Pearson also did the thing where he asked for a kiss on the cheek and then turned his face and really got a kiss on the mouth. Classic. Classic move for a warm-up comedian for a Disney Channel show no one’s ever heard of. Soooo, uhh, can we make a promise to not go see a taping of this show, whatever it is? It sounds gross. Great. Soooo, in conclusion — Good YUCK Charlie! The end. Goodnight!

Oh My God Do Not Watch This Spider Video

Kelly — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:30:26 +0000

Oh my god. There are so many other things you could be doing right now. Maybe you should watch this “I Don’t Want My Pizza Burning” video for a bit. It’s as good as it sounds! There are infinite other things you could be doing than watching this video of a spider getting squished and ~~then a million tiny spiders pouring out of it~~ DON’T EVEN READ THOSE WORDS. Have you had lunch yet? Maybe you should go out to get lunch today. “Treat yourself.” – Parks and Recreation. And while you’re out for lunch, maybe circle the block a few times? Get some fresh air in your lungs. Try not to think about spiders while you’re doing it. Or how many of them are in your apartment right now. Or how you do know that that thing about how you eat 100 spiders or whatever in your sleep over the course of a year isn’t true, but if someone made that up then you must eat at least a few of them, right? Ahhhh sooo are you going to watch Parenthood tonight? Did you watch Gossip Girl last night? What do you want to talk about? The spider video, still? You seriously want to watch it. Well, fine. It’s your funeral. Literally. This video is not literally your funeral, but you are literally going to die when you watch it. RIP you. See you in hell.

Girl Stuff: Hot Booties!

Kelly — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 18:15:45 +0000

HEY GIRRRRRRRRRRRRL! How are you? Are you still on that crazy diet? Girl. You know that diet’s just gonna leave you tired, plus it seems really unhealthy. And don’t you think you’ll be right in the same place you were before, once you go back to eating normally? Girl, you’re beautiful. I don’t know why you think you have to jump through all these crazy hoops. Speaking of jumping, don’t you wish you could microwave all of your shoes and your socks? UGH, I KNOW! I’m so sick of coming home after a long day of work, feet feeling terrible after being in THESE all day, and not having anything microwavable to wear around the house. It’s like whoever is in charge of creating shoes and socks doesn’t even know how feet work. Uhh hello, MR. SHOESANDSOCKS, some of us would like to RELAX for once. Some of us can feel. And now girls, hold onto your purse because our eyelash wishes have been granted by the creators of HOT BOOTIES!

It’s People! People Is Made Out Of People!

Gabe — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:15:03 +0000

Two dudes on a Dutch TV show cooked pieces of each other’s flesh and ate them. I can’t even deal with this. You’re welcome to deal with it if you’d like, but I’m OUTTA here.

Merry Christmas From Courtney Stodden

Gabe — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:30:41 +0000

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Remember when Paris Hilton was the worst it could get and everyone would talk about how they couldn’t believe she was famous because she didn’t have any discernible talents other than a wealthy, well-connected family and her burning desire to be famous? This was the era when the still frequently asked and with even more fervor now question “Why do people care about her?” was born. It is crazy how quaint that feels in retrospect. You never quite know what you have until it is gone. Well, not gone so much as sensually sand blasted out of erotic existence by the naughty narcissistic teenage terror rays shooting from Courtney Stodden’s “chiseled chimney.” Of course, you can extrapolate from there if you want–you don’t want–and imagine a time in the future when someone comes along to replace Courtney Stodden that makes Courtney Stodden look like Paris Hilton (which would make Paris Hilton look like, I don’t know, Dame Judi Dench?) but that’s a dangerous circular nightmare that will eventually lead you back to your own swelling, diseased heart. And the truth of the matter is that Courtney Stodden is way more FUN than Paris Hilton. Remember when Paris Hilton tried to make “that’s hot” be a thing? Fucking shut the hell up, Paris Hilton. And her stupid dead eyes? Ugh, now I’m thinking about Paris Hilton and it is making me so mad. Sorry. My fault. I started it. Paris Hilton is dead. It’s Courtney’s time now.

Here are some photos of my face while watching this video:

Please Remove Your Toddler From The Toilet

Kelly — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 19:30:44 +0000

Dear Mom,

I understand the desire to preserve every moment in your child’s life. I’m not a mother myself, but I do have tiny cousins and I think many my friends are very cute, so I’m empathetic to your situation. I have lots of photos and lots of videos on my iPhone of people literally just sitting or standing around, just because what if I want to remember that time they sat around like that? These are moments — first times eating different foods, tea parties with pretend guests, fighting over Settlers of Catan, finding your baby in the toilet — that you wish you could pause and savor, just for a few extra minutes, because you know it won’t always be like this. But you can’t. What you can do, though, is film them. That’s the best we can do to try and have a bit of control over our roller coaster ride toward a more and more complicated existence, memory loss, and eventual death. And it is true that your baby standing in toilet water is not that dangerous — the damage is already done, really. That baby is already in the toilet. But. CAN YOU PLEASE REMOVE YOUR BABY FROM THE TOILET?

Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing Sounds Nice?

Kelly — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 14:15:51 +0000

NPR catalogued each instance of a homophobic, misogynistic, xenophobic, etc., thing that happened during the first episode of Tim Allen’s new sitcom, Last Man Standing. There are a pretty reasonable amount, just kidding, not reasonable!

A Simultaneously Very Gross And Very Cute Video Of A Sneeze

Kelly — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 17:00:15 +0000

I am so torn about this video. On the one hand, even though that little boy featured in the video is very cute and tiny and as a woman maybe I should feel more inclined to take care of the situation than make a gross face and feel nauseated, this is just completely out-of-hand gross to me. Holy moly! It’s not even that weird! I cannot even explain why it is so gross (probably the problem of getting boogers in the mouth?) but I do need to stop thinking about it and I apologize for bringing this video to you if you feel the same way. On the other hand, the girl featured in this video is just so exactly correct in her response that I can’t help but be drawn to the whole ordeal. I guess that’s the bigger idea about little kids. They are always disgusting but then they’re always adorable, very silly, and very stupid except for when they are very smart. “Kids.” “Boogers.”

Lady Has Pretty Fingernails

Kelly — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 19:00:31 +0000

I’m always jealous of girls who can pull of long, pretty fingernails. Mine always bother me when they’re even a little bit long, and keeping nail polish on them without it getting weird looking? Don’t even get me started. That’s why this video, out of the many Guinness World Record videos that have been floating around the internet lately, caught my eye. The Guinness World Record for prettiest fingernails. Fingernails lady is an inspiration to all of us who can’t seem to keep our fingernails long and pretty. If she can grow out her fingernails to a beautiful and completely appropriate length that would in no way hinder living an actual life, while keeping them properly maintained, who’s to say we all can’t?