Videogum » Gemma Arterton

The Videogum Movie Club: Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time

Gabe — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 21:30:16 +0000

I remember playing the original Prince of Persia videogame on the computer when I was a kid. In fact, it was my favorite game for a long time. The basic premise was that you needed to jump a lot, because if you didn’t jump a lot then you would fall into a pit of spikes and die. The end. Cool! Fun! But even in the height of my Prince of Persia fandom, I never thought “this should be a movie.” Of course, around the same time I also loved going to Disneyworld, because WHO DOESN’T, and at no point at the height of my Disneyworld fandom did I ever think the Pirates of the Caribbean ride should be a movie, and yet I found the first movie in that series to be exceedingly enjoyable! (I should also point out that when I was a child, I had a successful career as a Hollywood development executive, which is why it is so meaningful that I didn’t see the hidden potential in these franchises. Otherwise, I was green-lighting stuff left and right, for sure.) Unfortunately for Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, Jake Gyllenhaal is no Johnny Depp. He’s barely even a Keira Knightley! Although, they definitely got the “jumping a ton” part right. No one will ever complain that Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time didn’t have enough jumping in it.

Speaking of jumping, let us JUMP into talking more about this movie! (BARF!):

Duh Aficionado Magazine: Transformers 3 Will Be Awful No Matter Who Is In It

Gabe — Thu, 20 May 2010 13:33:20 +0000

Late yesterday afternoon, DeadlineHollywood was reporting that Megan Fox had bee dropped from Transformers 3. Speculation was rampant, as speculation usually is, as to why she had been fired, although most people assume it relates to last summer’s press junket for Jennifer’s Body when Megan Fox kept calling Michael Bay “Hitler” and talking about how he sucked at his job. Fair enough. I mean, he does suck at his job, but I can say that because he’s not my boss. If he was my boss I would be like, “You are so good at your job, sir.” And he would be like, “I’m so glad I cast you alongside Will Smith in Bad Boys 5: Badder Boyser. You are a much badder boy than Martin Lawrence ever was.” And then I would bow deeply, and go drive a Hummer through a shanty town, killing all the stupid poor people in it because I have to get to the launch pad before the rocket takes the diamonds into space, or whatever. I haven’t read the script yet, but something like that, probably.

Already by yesterday evening, there were publicized rumors that Gemma Arterton was the front-runner to replace Megan Fox as Shia LaBeouf’s love interest in Transformers 3. That was fast! Although by this morning people are saying that every woman in Hollywood is basically being considered. Congratulations, every woman in Hollywood. I’m sure this is a very exciting time for you. Meanwhile, Megan Fox’s publicity team finally released a statement on her behalf:

Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time Continues To Be So Confusing

Gabe — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 18:09:12 +0000

A new Prince of Persia: Sands of Time trailer, you guys:

This might be even worse than the first trailer! Watching this trailer, I think I finally understand how people who have never seen Lost must feel when their friends talk about Lost. “See, there’s this prince and he’s got this dagger, right? But the question isn’t what is the deal with the dagger, the question is WHEN is the deal with the dagger. Because the dagger…well, at least I think the dagger…it’s a magic dagger. OK. And the dagger is in a wheelchair, well, the dagger used to be in a wheelchair, but then the dagger’s dad threw it out the window. Anyway, he’s got to get to the tower before a snake bites him, and if he gets there right at midnight then Oceanic Camel 815 will never have gotten thirsty in the desert. WE’VE GOT TO GO BACK TO THE DESERT.” “I think I get it, but here’s my only question: when does the prince SHUT UP?”

That is just a typical conversation between two normal people who definitely exist.

Best New Party Game 12

Gabe — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:58:54 +0000

Today’s Best New Party Game is inspired by the Clash of the Titans teaser trailer, which reader Samir points out has a very clever tag-line!

Really? REALLY? The tag-line for Clash of the Titans is “Titans Will Clash!”?!

A++, Hollywood. Extra credit! “Show your work!”

When I was in junior high school, in the mid-1920s, my “language arts” teacher told us to make “reading” posters that promoted reading, which would then hang in the hallway. Everyone worked all week on these things, and on Friday we had to present them to the rest of the class. Good assignment! One kid, named Edward, who looked like a scarecrow and whose dad legendarily asked the teacher if he could read computer programming manuals for his book reviews, walked up to the front of the class with a folded piece of red construction paper, which he dramatically unfolded, and in giant, thin letters, written in pencil, the paper just said “READ.” That is what this tag-line reminds me of, except that Edward’s poster was very funny (let’s just say that it was as funny as the teacher was mad) while this tag-line is just very lazy.

Anyway, you know how this goes:

The Prince Of Persia Trailer Totally Makes Plenty Of Sense

Gabe — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 09:28:48 +0000

Totally. Got it. So, see, he’s got this dagger that is a treasure who knows where he found it (or perhaps IT found HIM?) but the Gods have a plan for him and he has felt its power, it unlocks the Sands of Time and it…OK, this is where it’s a little confusing but it mostly makes sense…see the Sands of Time turns you into a Sand Creature, like the bad guy in Spiderman-3. Remember Spider-Man 3? That was not a very good movie! The whole Bad Tobey Maguire thing where he’s got bangs and he dances down the street? Come on. Sorry, OK, so, now you are a magical time traveling sand person, and what we have to do is go to the Mines of Moria and bury the dagger in, like, a garden or something? Because Ben Kingsley (winner of the Academy Award for Best Actor in 1982 for his role in Ghandi) wants to use the dagger to become a sand person to make a dust storm go into the village. But will they be able to get the dagger to Persian Mount Doom in Persian Mordor in time, or will it be too late because they’re too busy FUCKING?

Seriously, I think I’ve got it. I just hope that they show the trailer at the beginning of the movie, and then every 20 minutes or so during the movie, to help remind me what the hell is going on.