Pfft! Eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals and 150 schoolchildren headed for collision? WAKE ME UP WHEN THERE IS A REAL DISASTER THAT NEEDS AVERTING. If you’re going to make an exciting action movie, you’ve got to raise the stakes. Drama 101. “This guy just gets it” — Andy Chekov. Here’s what I’m thinking:

• Eight freight cars of hazardous chemicals
• 150 schoolchildren
• A prison transport carrying 1,000,000 of the world’s most dangerous and elusive criminals
• A woman pregnant with twins going into labor who is about to learn that her husband was killed in Iraq on a gurney being rolled across the tracks for some reason
• The handwritten cure for cancer in the breast pocket of a drunk man stumbling
• A warehouse full of Shiba Inu puppies that was accidentally built at the switch point for four different train tracks
• A stalled rental car with the Dalai Lhama, Bono, Jimmy Carter, and Rachel Bilson inside (TWIST: they did not buy supplemental insurance)
• A cargo shipment of fresh lettuce
• Train Force One

All headed towards each other at 150 billion miles per second. Now THAT is a TRAINWRECK!

*Also, how fucking obnoxious and insulting is it that Tony Scott made a million dollars by selling a fucking punchline of an SAT question as an action movie plot? “Based on a true AP Exam math problem.” Fuck Hollywood in the face until it dies.

You have to give Sexman some credit for this one. Because even though I would much rather here him talk about how Jaden Smith doesn’t use enough kill-moves in The Karate Kid, or whatever, he does have a point: the engineers should definitely fix the oil spill and stop sitting around thinking they are so smart. Have the engineers even seen the photos of the birds covered in oil? Fix it, engineers! But also, I just appreciate someone who complains about something OTHER THAN HIMSELF.

Sexman: 1
Coppercab: 0

(Thanks for the tip, Brandon.)

*Easily the most depressing thing about the oil spill is the inevitable “United States history” qualifier used in every news report. Because that means it continues to not be the worst oil spill in the history of, you know, ALL OF THEM. Yikes.

Film director and deep-sea explorer James Cameron said on Wednesday that BP Plc turned down his offer to help combat the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Over the last few weeks I’ve watched, as we all have, with growing horror and heartache, watching what’s happening in the Gulf and thinking those morons don’t know what they’re doing,” Cameron said at the All Things Digital technology conference.

Cameron said he has offered to help the government and BP in dealing with the spill. He said he was “graciously” turned away by the British energy giant.

Wait a second. You’re telling me that a multi-national, billion dollar petroleum company responsible for the worst oil spill in American history with its own division of highly specialized, highly trained experts in the field of deep sea crisis management didn’t want the help of the dude who wrote “I’m on top of the world”? AY-AY-AY! Just kidding. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

James Cameron is a lunatic!

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Surprisingly, all of the YouTube comments on this video in the past couple of hours have been nothing but thoughtful and full of respect. Or the exact opposite. (Thanks for the tip, Edith and Katie.)