Videogum » Cocaine

Best New Party Game 47: Charlie Sheen Movie Quotes

Gabe — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 22:30:12 +0000

As we have already discussed, this whole Charlie Sheen business, while a bountiful fount of hilarity and WISDOM (“there are a billion places to hide a million things”), is getting pretty dark. Like, Charles Marlow dark. Like, that thing with the fucking eye hands in Pan’s Labyrinth dark. Like, William S. Burroughs shot his wife in the head dark. But just for now, just for today, as the chill creeps in and the trolls take over, let’s have one last hurrah. For fuck’s sake, IT IS WHAT CHARLIE WOULD WANT. He is the Mayor of The Party! It is only proper that ~~Charlie Sheen be institutionalized against his will and forced to receive important medical treatment~~ we play a Charlie Sheen themed Best New Party Game. And so: Charlie Sheen Movie Quotes!

“You want the truth? YOU CAN’T PROCESS THE TRUTH!”
“You had me at ‘winning.’”
“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to meet my fists of fire. I’ve got tiger blood in my veins. I’m a vatican assassin. I’m F-18 battle-tested bayonets, bro.”
“Where does he get such wonderful goddesses?”
“Mama always said, life was like a box of WINNING, DUH. Buh bye.”

I’m so tired of pretending that I don’t have a fucking Top Gun Rockstar turn at this game. Good luck, trolls.

Yikes Alert: Eddie Munster Overdoses On Drugs, Back In Rehab

Gabe — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 14:30:02 +0000

I never would have expected that Videogum would become a PREMIERE resource for Eddie Munster news, and yet here we are. It’s like that part in Lord of the Rings when Gandalf tells Frodo that the only thing we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given, except that instead of do it’s “say about” and instead of time it’s Eddie Munster news. (So: “the only thing we have to decide is what to say about the Eddie Munster news we are given, Frodo.”) Of course, the reason we first started writing about Eddie Munster was because his story at the time was, while hilarious and very weird, kind of benign and even pleasant. Now it’s just a fucking shit show. Aren’t they all. From RadarOnline:

The former child star who played Eddie Munster on the 1960′s TV sitcom The Munsters checked himself out of a New Jersey rehab facility, but nearly overdosed days later, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.

Butch Patrick, 57, has now entered a rehab in Orange County, California, after prompting from friends who desperately want him to beat his 40-year addiction to cocaine and alcohol.

“He not only continued with drugs and alcohol after checking himself out of rehab, but started to black out and make rash decisions while under the influence causing him to nearly overdose last Thursday evening,” Butch’s agent Jodi Ritzen told RadarOnline.com.

OOOOOOOF. This comes shortly after the dissolution of his relationship with a woman who sent him a daisy chain in the mail 600 years ago. Yikes. Poor Butch Patrick! A 40 year addiction to cocaine? That is so many years to be addicted to cocaine. One also has to wonder–and no offense to Butch Patrick or his loved ones in this difficult time–where he got the money for cocaine? I guess they do charge a lot in the autograph hall at Comic-Con these days, but they didn’t used to. Anyway. Do you want to know the saddest part? It is not, incidentally, that production was temporarily halted on his reality show, LIFE’S A BUTCH (ugh, duh). No, this is the saddest part:

Everything Chris Klein Says in The Legend of Chun Li

Gabe — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 18:00:41 +0000

I’m still worried about Chris Klein, you guys. (Via DavidCho.)

You Can Make It Up: Chris Klein Auditions For A Cocaine Commercial

Gabe — Thu, 20 May 2010 21:45:23 +0000

As they sat on lumpy chairs with dirty upholstering in a poorly lit cinderblock hallway, the actors waiting for the cocaine commercial audition were eyeing each other nervously and tapping their feet. Chris Klein was no different, although he was one of the more seasoned actors in the building. It didn’t matter how many movies he was in, though, he still got the audition jitters. Usually, to help ease his anxiety, he did a bunch of cocaine, just like, crazy fistfulls. So it was cool that this audition was for a cocaine commercial, because that way his audition ritual might even make him better for the part! It was kind of weird that they were making a commercial for cocaine. Wasn’t cocaine illegal? And did cocaine really need a marketing strategy? Chris Klein thought about it for a split second, but then his mind quickly raced on to, like, the AIDS crisis in Africa, and how upsetting it was that the makers of popular energy drinks like Red Bull and other energy drinks that he couldn’t think of the name of right now but you know, energy drinks, like why weren’t they doing anything to cure AIDS now that they had clearly defeated mild sleepiness, you know? And then he was on to his next thought about something else completely unrelated but equally frantic and ridiculous.

Before he even knew it, it was Chris Klein’s turn. He had a mild heart attack, because of all the cocaine in his system, but that just made him grin even bigger as he handed over his headshot and gave the casting agent a clammy, sweaty, violent handshake. Never let them see you sweat and/or suffer from a potentially fatal mycardial infarction. That was Chris Klein’s motto.

SHOWTIIIIIIIME! he told himself.

Chris Klein’s Mamma Mia! Audition Is Very Upsetting

Gabe — Mon, 17 May 2010 19:30:24 +0000

Supposedly, this video features Hollywood’s own Chris Klein auditioning for the 2008 movie adaptation of the popular musical Mamma Mia. Why this video is only surfacing now is a mystery. What is not a mystery is how disturbing this is: very disturbing!

Obviously, we are all citizens of the Internet, and as such it is impossible to watch something like this without harboring at least mild suspicions that it is fake and that we are being fucked with. But if it was fake, why would Chris Klein go along with it? It makes him look very bad! And it’s not like this video is selling anything, unless they make viral videos to sell cocaine now. And even if they did, it would be beside the point, since clearly there isn’t any cocaine left, because Chris Klein did it all. Which leaves us with the most terrifying possibility of all: that this is actually real. GOODNIGHT SWEET DREAMS. (Via BuzzFeed.)

If We Keep Buying All This Cocaine, Then The Mafia Wins

Gabe — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 09:32:00 +0000

This is a neat and also HIGHLY DANCEABLE PSA put together by the Italian government to remind people that when you buy cocaine, you are funding the mafia, and I guess you shouldn’t? I don’t speak Italian so it’s hard to tell. This could be a neat and also HIGHLY DANCEABLE ad for cocaine for all I know.

So, if you keep buying cocaine then the Squid Faces will bury radioactive waste under the tomato crates and then sell those tomato crates to women who just want to go to the club? And then a city will be built on top of a funeral and they will call their Squid Wives from Squid Jail on their magical Jailphones and their Squid Wives will take the cocaine to the corners? In Italy, it’s like The Wire but with some Spongebob Square Pants up in it! The Mafia are such Litter Louts!

In any case, I just wanted a reason to use the expression “if [blank] then the mafia wins” and now I have one. So this works out great for me. Sorry, integrity of the Italian political system and sense of personal safety on Italian streets. (Thanks for the tip, Gideon.)

Duh Aficionado Magazine: Audrina Patridge Loves Cocaine

Gabe — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:04:20 +0000

Did you know that Audrina Patridge is getting her own TV show soon? The Hills ends this season, because if there’s one thing that show knows, it’s that you should always leave your audience wanting more. Bullets in their mouths. From suicide guns. But now a blogger is also reporting that Audrina Patridge is a major league fan of putting cocaine in her nose and using that cocaine to get high with.

One day, Romi explained how excited she was to find out there was a guest house at Audrina’s new place and how she had to work quickly if she wanted to get her hands on it. Romi then claimed she regularly supplied Audrina with cocaine, saying, “not only do I carry the drugs for Audrina but I also frequently sell it to her for free stash.”

I don’t understand half the words in that paragraph. But there you have it: someone you’ve never heard of confirmed something you could have suspected if you cared, but you don’t. It should come as no surprise to anyone that an over-indulged silicone repository with the IQ of an actual baby would enjoy using cocaine drugs, but I think it’s important to spread the word about this, because regardless of what you may think about the effects of criminalization of cocaine or drugs in general, THIS IS STILL HOW PEOPLE’S REALITY SHOWS GET TAKEN AWAY. Fingers crozzed.

You Are On Cocaine

Gabe — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 12:09:25 +0000

Everyone is.

Man, there is nothing funnier to me than a made up list of examples that is supposed to be conclusive and exhaustive. “People from all walks of life are using cocaine. Doctors, lawyers, pastry chefs, midwestern architects, scuba-diving instructors, planetarium workers, vegans who sometimes eat honey, counter-culture revolutionary heroes, people who like pizza, guys whose Dungeons and Dragons characters are seventh-level chaotic good Elf Mages, the entire city of Medford. You name somebody, they’re probably on cocaine. Go ahead name somebody. Prop comedians? Yup, they’re on cocaine. Assistant basketball coaches? Yup. Everyone. Country line dancing enthusiasts, the host of Antiques Roadshow, mid-level archaeologists whose careers haven’t turned out the way they’d envisioned them in college, observant Jews, Polynesian Islanders, street people, the guy who invented the Reebok Pump, home appliance manufacturers’ customer service operators, Bill Nye the Science Guy. Those are just a few basic, everyday examples of who is doing cocaine to prove to you that you never know.” (Via EverythingIsTerrible.)

Pablo, The Cocaine-Smuggling Dog

Lindsay Robertson — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:59:11 +0000

Over in the UK, they seem to be having a problem with cocaine in their discotheques or whatevers, so they’ve started a campaign called Frank, to show youngsters “the other side of cocaine.” Their latest PSA in the Frank series stars Pablo, the funny drug-mule dog who somehow dials a phone:

There’s also a toll-free number to call to learn about the dark side of cocaine. It would be funny (and effective) if the calling centers were staffed with people on a lot of cocaine who were assholes to callers.

Finally, A Show About Assholes And Cocaine

Gabe — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:32:26 +0000

Showtime is developing a series about Studio 54, and Bryan Singer might direct the pilot episode. He’s going to bring that Superman Returns magic (what’s the opposite of magic? Is it this?) to the era of 1970s indulgence. From the Hollywood Reporter:

The 1970s era of disco, drugs and excess is coming back with “Studio,” a drama series project for Showtime centering on the iconic New York nightclub Studio 54.

Bryan Singer is in talks to direct the potential pilot if his schedule permits.

“Studio” centers on flamboyant co-founder Steve Rubell and starts off in the months leading to the club’s April 1977 opening.

Oh, good. The story of a popular nightclub full of shitheads that doesn’t exist anymore is an important one that needs to get told (again and again, ))<>(( forever). Don’t worry, soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan, we’ve got it all under control here. You’re going to be so excited by all the treats waiting for you when you get back.