Casey Nicholaw, who co-directed The Book of Mormon as well as the stage version of Elf, is in talks to direct the Austin Powers musical being developed by Mike Myers and Warner Bros. Theatre Ventures.

Colin Callender, the former HBO Films president whose run included the acclaimed Band of Brothers and Angels in America, and partner Sonia Friedman are producing the musical, which will be set to the music of Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello.

Oh, goodness. Those all seem like real things! The story goes on to say that musical will be a prequel to the movies, will take place in the ’60s, and “detail how Powers first acquired his mighty mojo.” (Elvis Costello did not make music in the ’60s though?) (I refuse to deal with ANY anachronisms within the Austin Powers series.) It’s always unfortunate when something that at first seems so ridiculous turns into something that seems like a normal idea, and it looks like this is turning that corner VERY QUICKLY, so can we all just pause for a moment and reflect on the basic idea of an Austin Powers musical? Like, a person doing a Mike Myers impression on stage? In a Mike Myers costume? And then singing a song? And saying “shagadellic”? And people paying so much money to see it, as if it’s not a thrown-together idea meant to squeeze the last few drops of juice out of a decomposing Hollywood fruit? THAT IS CRAZY. I’ve gathered together some materials to aid in our reflection before it’s too late and we’re all in line at the Playbill Fandago.

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Backstage at Alexa Chung’s MTV talk show on Thursday, the “Entourage” star got into a screaming match with fellow comic Chris Kattan over the fishy situation.

Kattan – who’s been in town talking up his IFC miniseries “Bollywood Hero” – greeted Piven with a snarky, “So, what are you here to promote, your Broadway play?”

HAHAHA, OK, FIRST OF ALL: a feud between two grown men that begins “backstage at Alexa Chung’s MTV talk show” is already basically EPIC. But also Chris Kattan got in a pretty good zing! You know, because of Jeremy Piven’s persistent Fish Lie. He’s the zingonator, makin’ copiiiiieees. (That’s Chris Kattan, right? Perfect.)

Anyway, Jeremy Piven, like all bullies, smiled and laughed and realized that he was an adult, and that he could take some gentle teasing from a fellow professional comedian, so the two men shook hands and put it all behind them.

Just kidding.

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March 19, 2437

We’ve made a startling discovery about the Old World. It would seem that our dating of “the event” has been inaccurate. While it is true that the nuclear explosion that forced the survivors underground to rebuild the planet seems to have occurred sometime in the summer of 2087, our most recent finding suggests that this nuclear cataclysm was not the singular turning point in human evolution that we have assumed. Indeed, our latest discovery suggests that the world was dead much earlier.

Based on this “advertisement” for something called Shrek: The Musical, it would appear that mankind had already regressed to a primitive existence. Surely a vibrant human society with an appreciation for entertainment would not have allowed such a crude and unbearable performance to take place, much less have expected any monetary bartering or trade for the privilege. Had this show simply been a novelty, performed in the dark recesses of society’s outlying boundaries, amidst the garbage mounds and the rat-infested saloons, perhaps it would simply be a harbinger of things to come. But as a spectacle to be performed on a main thoroughfare of one of the Old World’s “Great Cities,” we must conclude that things were far worse than we’d previously intuited. Indeed, we were already doomed.

Tomorrow I hope to examine an artifact that Jones brought in late last night. It appears to be some sort of vessel the ancients used for transporting liquids. Still not sure what the strange markings on the side could mean. “Crystal Pepsi?” Strange.

Signed,
Captain Laserfart

Wait, there’s a musical on Broadway based on Legally Blonde? And it’s a hit? And it needs a new lead? And Haylie Duff is leading the search? There are so many things I need to wrap my mind around before I can even start to wrap my mind around this TV show. It’s like reading a Borges short story without knowing what a labyrinth is. But this show looks great (not great). There’s something fascinating about watching people compete to the death for something you can’t believe anyone even wants. It’s not dissimilar to cracking jokes about people living in Queens when you can’t even afford to buy a studio apartment in Flushing.