A clarification: I haven’t read Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I actually really want to. I’ve hated that book for years, but I’ve never actually read it, and I think I owe MYSELF more. Forget Elizabeth Gilbert, I don’t owe her anything, but I’m a precious snowflake, and if I’m going to devote so much energy to hating something, shouldn’t I cherish myself by hating it right? (Although, contrary to the general argument with which I usually agree whole-heartedly that you shouldn’t judge something until you’ve actually read/seen/whatevered it, I’ve read enough books at this point and know enough about this book in particular to be able to make what I feel are some pretty reasonable assumptions about it. Not bragging. Trust me, I wish I had never read Tuesdays with Morrie, but I did, and so here we are, and I’ll pre-judge whatever I want. I paid my dues.) So, if there are ways in which the movie adaptation of Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir differs from the book, my apologies. The main reason for this clarification is that, as you will see, almost all of my problems with this movie stem from the source material. Yes, admittedly there is an overly heavy-handed use of some kind of “ethereal glow” filter throughout the movie, and there’s also the issue of how, like, really, everyone in India is an English-speaking white American (or Australian)? But mostly my problem is with the character of Elizabeth Gilbert, and the overall thesis of Eat, Pray, Love. So, if in some ways the movie differs wildly from the book on any of these issues (although I’m kind of assuming that the biggest liberty they took was giving Julia Roberts about 300 more teeth than the real Gilbert has) then my apologies. My most sincerest apologies. Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m sure.

Now, about this fucking nightmare.

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Ugh. I understand that women have historically had a difficult time achieving emotional independence and self-actualization due to the oppressive and sexist nature of modern society. The cultural reinforcement of the patriarchy, which demands that a woman define her desires and her self-worth by the needs and expectations of men is a difficult and heavy yoke to shake. So, in that sense, fair enough. But ladies! You don’t have to be an asshole about it! At the very least, maybe you should do the work before getting married or seriously involved in a relationship that you’re not emotionally mature enough to handle. Just as an example. There is something disgustingly…well…MASCULINE about the main character’s (based on Elizabeth Gilbert, who is the worst) self-indulgent scorched Earth approach to getting what she wants. Maybe that’s the point of the movie? To teach us that women can be selfish, self-absorbed assholes in the throes of a petulant midlife crisis just as obnoxiously as any MAN. And if anyone ever actually said “it’s my no carb left behind program” to me in real life, I would punch that person in the face until their thin, anemic blood ran from their sharp, birdlike nose.

I know this movie isn’t intended for me, I know that, but watch Elizabeth Gilbert’s speech from the TED Conference and try to figure out how anything she has ever done has been intended for anyone other than herself. The worst, I tell you! The worst!

We’re going to need a new name for whatever it is that Funny or Die does. At first it seemed like they were going to be a farming house for funny new viral videos, but that’s barely even the case anymore. This hardly counts as a viral video. Don’t get me wrong, it is going viral, but that’s like when clips from last night’s Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien go viral. Even if it’s on every website, it’s still a clip from a TV show. It’s rooted in that medium. I’m not sure why that distinction feels important, but somehow it does. The Internet needs to protect its neck. This video stars Alexis Bledel, Billy Crudup, Zach Galifiankais, Tony Hale, Vinnie Jones, Joey Kern, Chuck Liddell, Julianne Moore, Henry Rollins, Alan Tudyk, Olivia Wilde, and Sgt. Slaughter? And it’s just some goofy throwaway song about G.I. Joe? Somehow that hardly seems fair. The dudes from Smosh are like “hey, no fair!”

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
-Fred