Joe Simpson, father of Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson, is getting his own TV show. Fair enough. If anything, it’s weird that he doesn’t already have a TV show. It is not like there is not room for him. The world’s hunger for human nightmares with no discernible talent and complete disregard for the respect of others or the well-being of their loved ones does not seem to be anywhere near satisfied. But what on Earth is this show?! From the Hollywood Reporter:

Joe Simpson, father and manager of pop stars Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, has teamed with veteran tween and teen series producer Tommy Lynch for a comedy series project set up at Nickelodeon.

The untitled show will be loosely based on Simpson’s real-life experience as a psychologist raising two daughters in Texas.

I feel like this is one of those picture games where you have to figure out the 10 things that are wrong with it, but instead of it being, like, a snowman with a carrot for an arm instead of a nose (cool puzzle!) it is, you know, vague details about what sounds like the worst show ever. So, what is wrong with this picture? Answer key after the jump.

Read More...

What is it that young people die of these days? Is it still drive-by’s? Let’s say it’s drive-by’s. Well, think of the new Melrose Place as a dying 22-year-old, riddled with bullets sprayed from the passenger side of a speeding, tricked-out Mercury Marauder. And think of the old cast members, from Melrose Place One: Melrose Placin’, as an anemic blood transfusion. My point is that it’s great to see Josie Bissett in this week’s shitty episode. Let’s all welcome back Jane Andrews-Mancini!

Jane, as established years ago during Al Gore’s glorious Vice-Presidency, is Sydney’s sister, Michael’s ex-wife, and the creator of clothing fashions my friend Jesse told me she was known for calling DEEE-signs, instead of de-SIGNS. And now, Jane is the new landlady of Melrose Place. By the way, did you know Josie Bissett is the author of a book called Tickle Monster? Well, you should, because she is.

Read More...

Who likes Reggaeton? I am kidding, of course. Everybody loves Reggaeton. Which is why this week’s episode of Melrose Place begins with a montage to a hot Reggaeton track! Wait. Is Sean Paul Reggaeton? Or is he Dancehall? He is a treasure.

So, this is what we get to see with our eyes while we hear wonderful Reggaeton in our ears. Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is splashing her flipper hands in the pool they found her dead mother in the first episode. Riley boringly gets ready for her teaching job and Jonah is boringly singing in the shower. Muppet Baby Heather Locklear, Ella, walks through Lauren’s kitchen, late for a music video shoot, because 1) they still do those and 2) Ella seems to go in and out of all her neighbors’ apartments at her will, without knocking. And David–Michael Mancini’s son–breaks into his dad’s house to steal his key card hospital ID, and gets caught.

Read More...

Families, right? I mean, yeesh and also pfft and gahhh. Thank God for ensemble-based TV dramas, whose casts form makeshift families out of shoddy conceits, like “What if the young tenants of an apartment complex smothered with Spanish tile actually talked to their neighbors?” It’s only complicated, Denise Richards, when actual relatives start showing up.

On last night’s episode of Melrose Place 2000, viewers who hadn’t yet put it together that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz’s horrible “Ashlee Simpson-Wentz” character and Sydney’s “Ghost” character were mother and daughter, got treated to a flashback scene in which Ashlee told Sydney precisely that. And Sydney, who is bats and can not be trusted, even in matters of her own mortality, denied it. She’s obviously way off. Ashlee has the same hair color–Feria makes a shade called “CW Russet”–and she even inherited the same style of “arm crossing acting” from her mother.

Read More...

Here’s what I know about the original Melrose Place. People would threaten each other, and backstab each other, and there was a crapton of shtupping, and sometimes people went blind or crazy when somebody set their apartments on fire. Oh, and most importantly, on Melrose Place, people could die and then they’d come back to life, because Fuck You, I’m Aaron Spelling.

Read More...

Obviously, no. But I will admit that 2:35-2:50 made me LOL. “She’s the one who convinced me I could be a real chef.” Aww. I just cried in my pants. That guy wants to chew Ashlee Simpson’s scenery! Actually, I also really liked the beginning of that scene where the woman told the man to present his screenplay to a Hollywood executive at the executive’s son’s birthday party, and the man asked “isn’t that a little tacky?” while they were standing NEXT TO A CRIME SCENE. He is Professor Class over there teaching everyone an introductory course in How It Is. Maybe I actually love this show. The more I think about it, the more I realize this is probably going to be the best show (this is not going to be the best show).

In any case, it’s just nice to see that in an era when there are no new ideas and everything is being carelessly remade with no respect for the past, that the Melrose Place remake is staying very very true to the original show’s premise of being very awful.

P.S. Michael Mancini is your dad.

Previously: The CW Hopes To Match The Half-Hearted Success Of 90210 With A Half-Hearted Update Of Melrose Place
Introducing The Cast Of The New Melrose Place

The onetime 7th Heaven star will play small-town girl Violet, a character whose disarming naiveté masks the calculating, shrewd sex kitten within. In other words, the little tramp’s Sydney.

Well, the disarming naivete should not be hard to pull off. I am confident that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz does a very convincing “disarming naivete.” And they can just CGI the sex kitten stuff in post production. Just get a body and face double and a ton of graphics. Hollywood.

Now that Ashlee’s been cast, we have a much better idea of what the new Melrose Place is going to look like. Here’s a look at the rest of the cast:

Read More...

Remember when Diddy played a lawyer on CSI: Miami? This looks not as good as that.

On YouTube, this video is titled “Worst Way To Get Caught Lip Synching.” Wrong. The worst way to get caught lip synching is to be lip synching, fall off the edge of the stage, run back up, get on your knees to be careful not to fall off the stage anymore, and get shot in the face. And then have your dead body fall off the edge of the stage. That and decapitation are tied for worst way to get caught lip synching. FACT.