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Howard Stern Is The New America’s Got Talent Judge, Plus Other Things That Sound Crazy Even Though They Are Not And Who Cares

Kelly — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:30:11 +0000

HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? Popular SiriusXM ”shock-jock” and Private Parts star Howard Stern will be replacing Piers Morgan on America’s number one “Got Talent” show, America’s Got Talent! “Whaaaaaaaaaaat?” – Everybody, Parents.Org, and me a little bit in reaction to the news. That seems weird? I mean, let me be clear that it actually does not, but if we can take a break from understanding how the world works for a second: THAT SEEMS WEIRD! He has greasy hair and is mean on the radio and curses and talks about gross things! How is he going to be able to judge children throwing fire knives or whatever happens on America’s Got Talent?! TUNE IN TO FIND OUT! From Entertainment Weekly:

The broadcaster announced Thursday morning that the popular radio shock-jock will critique its eclectic talent show, replacing Piers Morgan, who left to focus on his CNN interview program. Production on Got Talent will move to New York City, where Stern will continue to conduct his SiriusXM radio program.

They’re moving the show to him! That’s kind of nuts. Think about AGT host Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey’s burgeoning family having to be uprooted. Now, STOP THINKING ABOUT THAT! If we can step back for a moment, of course this news does not seem weird at all because, first of all, we don’t watch this show and we don’t know when it’s on TV and if you asked us what network it was on we would guess NBC but honestly it could be CBS for all we know. Second of all, a reality talent show hosted and judged by kind-of celebrities adding another kind-of celebrity to the panel is only the exact thing to expect from that reality talent show. Soooooo. NORMAL NEWS! Other normal entertainment news that sounds crazy after the jump! HOORAY!

Double Dream Hands! On America’s Got Talent

Gabe — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 21:15:25 +0000

John Jacobson performed Double Dream Hands! on the season premiere of America’s Got Talent! But het gets booed offstage! It’s kind of sad, actually!

Duh Aficionado Magazine: America Does Not Got Talent

Gabe — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:45:53 +0000

While I agree philosophically with the idea that all taste is subjective, I kind of feel like we need to get a Snopes verification on it. Because, sometimes I get the feeling that taste is not subjective at all. At the very least, perhaps we can all agree that there are moments in which something is either good or bad, and that the people who think otherwise are SCIENTIFICALLY wrong. The most obvious example, of course, would be the litter lout who threw the cat in the lorry, who has finally broken her legendary silence and claimed it was a joke. Cool. Cool joke. I’M BEING SARCASM! Another instance would be Prince Poppycock, a current contestant on America’s Got Talent, who is not only a finalist (A FINALIST!) but seems to be beloved by the judges and the audience alike. “Dude” is just killing it! On last night’s episode, he performed a Marie Antoinette powder-faced musical theater version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” because it’s 2010 and everyone has succumbed to Jose Saramago’s Blindness disease, and also a severe pandemic of Danielle Staub deafism. Also, his name is PRINCE POPPYCOCK!

Susan Boyle – 100 Years + American – Face = Jackie Evancho

Gabe — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 17:00:23 +0000

At some point, we as a species will no longer be amazed at human voices coming out of human heads, no matter how much those heads do not fit our preconceived notions of what a head, or at least that head in particular, should sound like. But until then: WOW!

Some Old Lorry To Replace Larry King

Gabe — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 15:00:57 +0000

Piers Morgan, the Simon Cowell of America’s Got Talent, is set to replace Larry King on his CNN talk show. Cool? I actually watched a few minutes of America’s Got Talent last night for some reason. What is that show? There were two baby children break-dancing and afterwards Howie Mandel (sure) told them that it was too bad they weren’t grown men, because they could have any woman they wanted. EXCUSE ME, WHAT? Then Sharon Osbourne (again: sure) asked them if they were dating. No, Sharon Osbourne, they aren’t dating. They are five and ten years old, and also Howie Mandel already covered this territory. What is wrong with these perverts? Then there was a 900 year old woman who “hand-whistled” (whatever THAT means) the song “Hero,” and I mean, don’t get me wrong, we should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy AND earns us a spot on a reality TV show that looks like it was ripped off a VHS tape of some old Czech Republic Government Run Network Programming. But afterwards everyone had to tiptoe around the fact that no one even knows what “hand-whistling” IS, but at the same time saying things like “I think you’re going to make hand-whistling huge in America.” So it’s a show about perverts and liars? Again, Howie Mandel (haha, sure) was like “I believe there is a place in entertainment for the offbeat and unusual.” I guess? And that place is “alone in the basement,” right? What is this 10,000 B.C. hand-whistler going to record an album? Give me a break. Piers Morgan didn’t actually say much. I think he told the break-dancing children that they were “mellifluous” or some British shit like that. Whatever. I did not watch Larry King Live and I will almost certainly not watch Larry King Live 2: Piers Morgan Drift. Of course, in England, Larry King Live is called Larry King Lav. (Gotcha!)

Gabourey Sidibe’s Mom Auditions For America’s Got Talent

Gabe — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:05:32 +0000

I suppose “Stop it, mom, you’re embarrassing me” is still way better than “Stop it, mom, you’re raping me.” (Precious joke. Too soon? Too LATE?!)

Doogie Horner: Noble Soldier In The War Against Comedy

Gabe — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:45:39 +0000

Yesterday, for some reason, I watched the entire two-hour season premiere of Last Comic Standing on Hulu in dribs and drabs throughout the day. I just wanted to make sure I let people know that, in case I somehow forget to include it in my suicide note. Here is the thing about Last Comic Standing: it is filled almost exclusively with extremely talented comedians, and it is ostensibly a celebration of stand up comedy, but as someone who enjoys both of those things (genuine talent and jokes) I find this show to be impossibly depressing. There is a sad and disheartening Komedy Kulture in America that treats it as a subpar mild entertainment designated for the drunken tourist with nothing better to do. Somehow, the fact that everyone tells inane jokes around the Pizza Hut table on Saturday evenings means that there is no art to the crafting of a joke, much less the telling of it in public. This guy knows what I’m talking about, and so does this guy. And somehow, Last Comic Standing, a show that should counteract this collective misconception, actually works impossibly hard to perpetuate it by sucking all of the humor out of every single second of every single performance, and portraying comedy as the epitomy of desperation. The tone is so bloodless and unfunny that even the comedians themselves seem to hate comedy. BOOOO! GET OFF THE STAGE, THIS SHOW!

But here comes 30-year-old graphic designer, Doogie Horner, who took to the America’s Got Talent stage to perform some jokes, despite having been told ahead of time that 40 comedians had already been booed off the stage. And at first, that is exactly what happens to this young man. Until something else happens:

America’s Got Talent?

Gabe — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 08:59:44 +0000

These two are Finalists this season. They beat out thousands of hopefuls. Cream of the crop.

I’m not saying America doesn’t have talent. I’m just saying that a question mark should be added to the end of the show’s name. Like, we’ll see. It might! We’re not sure yet. But maybe! Define “talent.”

America’s Talent Will Roundkick Your Talent In The Face

Gabe — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 09:55:13 +0000

Last night on America’s Got Talent, a little girl showed off her talent of getting into a staged fight with her dad.

It’s cute when David Hasselhoff asks her if she will negotiate his next contract, although someone should probably tell him that paying your bill at In-N-Out Burger with a debit card doesn’t really require arbitration. And while I don’t know if this performance proves that America has talent, it definitely proves that we will jump to our feet and give a standing ovation to anyone who crushes a dude’s balls with their heel. Stay classy, us.

Self-Defense Pro Tip: if you’re going to do the classic move where you swing back and forth around a rapist’s or robber’s head with your legs, make sure you practice with the rapist or robber beforehand so that they know which way to gently push you to keep your momentum going. The key to self-defense is choreography.

America’s Got The Lady Who Smashes Things With Her Boobs

Lindsay Robertson — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:09:16 +0000

I don’t know what part of it actually aired on America’s Got Talent last night, but I do know that when this uncensored version was sent to me just now, I thought I knew exactly what was going on, but instead it was laugh-out-loud funny and kind of a prank on the show. Someone get Busty Heart her own one hour special or something:

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Busty Heart is also Your Girlfriend.