I miss Soft Gabe, you guys. Do you miss Soft Gabe? I miss him so much. He would know what to say about last night’s Glee season finale. Let me guess: there was singing? I honest to God have no idea what this show is even ABOUT. I know it has singing, that was just kidding around, and I know it’s about high school, and I know “Jane Lynch” and that’s about it. Slurpees? Do we know what is going on with the Slurpees at this point, or is it some What’s In The Hatch shit? Oh well. Don’t let my ignorance keep you from discussing the show. Was it exciting? Was it sad? Was it a documentary? Like I said: no idea. At least Soft Gabe is looking down at us from heaven and smiling right now. Big ups Soft Gabe! [Insert campy "Stairway to Heaven" cover in a football locker room. Get it?]

So, there is some good news and some bad news for the Gleeheads today. The good news is that after an extended-hiatus, Glee is back on the air! Yay? Yay! I have never watched an episode of Glee in my life, but I can imagine that if you like this show, this is great. I mean, there are other shows that I have watched that have gone on extended-hiatus and when they come back after a hiatus–OK, I think you get my point. Now, for the bad news. Are you sitting down? SIt down, please. Videogum’s resident Glee Expert, Gabe Liedman, will no longer be able to cover the show for this website. Obviously, this is unfortunate, and he will be missed. But before you start crying into the sleeve of your letter jacket (which is not that great of a kind of sleeve to cry into, btw. It’s not absorbent!) know that he has a very good reason for leaving us: he has been hired to write for a new Vh1 morning talk show and also to APPEAR on that show! WOWOWOWOWOW! YESSSS! So, you see, when God closes a Glee recap, he opens a Vh1 morning talk show. Not so bad! Chins up, tigers! Let’s all please wish Soft Gabe well in his new adventures, and let’s do our best to pick up his slack by discussing the episodes together, like a family. He can never be replaced, but we should try our best to replace him. Never forget.

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[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum's Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

When I was in high school, I never drank.  I smoked weed, eventually, like right towards the end, and then everysecondsince; but, I never drank for realsies until college. I didn’t have a ton of friends at all, and the ones I did have only drank a ton when we were like 17+, and I was the only one with a car (a 1994 gold Ford Taurus wagon), so if we ever did go out (which we didn’t), I had to be sober (weed didn’t count (and neither did whip-its because they, like, wore right off right away)). So, watching this Glee episode, I wanted be all “oh this is retarded, nothing is ever like this, what a dumb piece of TV.” But really, the whole time, I was like “aaaaaw, these assholes are so lucky to have each other, because drinking is fun and only cool grownups like me should do it alone right now.” Oh, maybe I should also say that I drank a 20oz. bottle of Cherry Coke Zero with a ton of vodka in it (should someone tell high schoolers that just dumping a bunch of vodka in whatever you’re drinking doesn’t change the flavor that much? Do normal ones know already know that??), and then started writing this the second the show ended, instead of waiting until the next morning like a real person. Can you guys even believe Gabe D. went on vacation that time???? Glee was fine!

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Y.E.S. Fuck yes. This always happens—I’m like “why do I watch this fucking awful show, besides the big VIDEOGUM MONEY to keep my body pillow plump and convincing?” There’s a terrible episode one week and then the next week the show’s fucking great. Luckily, this week I only had to wait about 48 hours for the shit to get back on track. And back on track it was: hilarious jokes, lovely renditions of songs I love AND hate, relevant plotlines (high school drawmah is EXTREMELY relevant to me because I am only 15)… It was excellent, and I should’ve known to just hold my breath and stare at the ceiling for the Super Bowl, because everyone knows that February 8th is VALENTINE’S DAAAAAAY, and Glee always brings the heart-shaped fudge!

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“Great game, countrymen. Ah, say, what show is starting now? Let’s watch.”—Fox’s Impression of What American Might Be Like
Soooooooo… What the fuck was that? Was that supposed to be a long commercial for Glee aimed at people who have never seen the show before and probably aren’t interested in it in the first place? Because if so: NOPE. Mission failed. After sitting through the whole Super Bowl (it was good!), even I wasn’t in the mood for Glee, and I’m in the mood for Glee during Glee. Like when Glee is playing, I’m thinking “I could totally watch some Glee right now.” But last night, after just a couple minutes of Glee I realized that not only wasn’t the episode for me, but it was fucking terrible. Not funny. Bad songs. Annoying! Cool first impression on the Super Bowl crowd, Glee. You dropped the ball harder than when The Black Eyed Peas forgot to sing “Meet Me Halfway,” and sang all those other songs instead (and live?!). Of the night’s commercials, this episode of Glee was my second-to-least-favorite, second only to this Kia bomb:

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It’s December 8th, 2010: THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! Oh man, hope you’re not all so hungover from how it was Christmas last night. You probably stayed up all night chugging egg nog and eating whole geese, French kissing your brand new Sega, making snowmen, learning lessons about real-life Earth angels and poverty, having deep and meaningful intercours under the mistletoe with all your relatives, while watching Reindeer Games on Blu-ray over and over and over and over. I know what it’s like—I’ve seen a few Christmas episodes of shit. This was one of those!!! It was fine. A million weeks ago, when Glee burped its XXXmas album out into the ether for tons of cash, you know I listened to that shit, and it made me shudder. Yick. It sounded like Pokemon emailing will.I.am about Christmas. But, once those beep-boop sounds were coming out of the characters’ faces last night, it didn’t seem so bad at all. I mean, it wasn’t this:

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You may have noticed that there was no Gleecap last week, because America was busy giving Thanks for turkey guts and desserts and bus rides and High School friends who are so much weirder than you thought they used to be. So, what follows is a double dose of Gleetardation for your “enjoyment.” It is way too long, and way too involved, and so full of words and bullshit that the internet just might fall over under the weight of its nonsense. In that regard, I apologize. In every other regard: I do not.

Episode 8!

Another week about Kurt and bullying! Cool? After last episode’s joke-a-thon with racism and GOOP a plenty, I guess it was technically time to get back down to bizniss. And down was the direction indeedy—way less funny, way less dazzling, way less everything than GOOP week. And when the fuck is Mercedes going to sing something already?! This was definitely not the worst episode, and at least one of the songs was pretty gr8, but with a guest star like Carol Burnett, playing Sue’s Nazi-hunting psycho-mom, I expected to be gasping for air between laughs, calling EMT’s to pull the Pad See Yew out of my throat, or to just zip me up in a bag for good. Buuuuut, not so much. This was not a hilarious episode, though not too melodramatic either; we saw a softer side to Sue and a cuter side to Finn, very little Rachel, tragically little Brittany the Perfect, and 1.5 weddings! Glee!

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[Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Videogum.]

Surprisegum of the century: I have a different opinion about Gwyneth Paltrow than Hard Gabe and most of the intelligent world. You may think she’s a self-obsessed, out-of-touch, no-talent, over-credited brat; I think she’s FAHNCY, beautiful, great at her job, and Sliding Doors. For me, one of the best kinds of cred to have is late ‘90’s cred, and Gwyneth uses that shit to condition her hair and scent her self-help emails. Duh, I don’t subscribe to GOOP, I don’t listen to Coldplay, I don’t care what her kids are named; but you KNOW I’m seeing Country Strong the second it comes out (go to bed Crazy <3), and in the meantime, if she’s going to come to me and jump around on Glee with the other assholes I stare at, then she’s more than welcome. In fact, after this week’s Gleeformance, I fucking hope she comes back at some point. Yeah, I said it. If she wants to “help” people “choose” chic trenchcoats and unaffordable wines and excrutiatingly long and effective workout regimens in the meantime, then she’s welcome to do that, too. I Tweet about what I eat and see and do all the time, and no one’s ever given me a prize for doing ANYTHING. Minus the resources and confidence, we’re all GOOP, in a way, non? Non. But Glee was pretty good last night, right guyz?! It got PRETTY FUCKING RACIST and actually-offensive in other ways, which is uncool times a million. If last week’s episode was a return to plotline and a unique spin on teenagerdom, then this week was a return to snappy dialogue, nasty jokes, and Glee being a marvelous piece-of-shit fireworks display worth watching every second of (with weed, wine, takeout, or whatever else you love that’s killing you).

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Wuh-oh, how you be so epic all of a sudden, Glee?! Jesus, I have so much to say! After weeks and weeks of gimmicky music-themes, wonk-ass guest stars, and a whole lot of nothing (WHICH WAS ALSO FUCKING PERFECT, DON’T GET ME WRONG), you come out of the gate this week swinging?! Who knew you still had it in you to be funny, sappy, sexy, and ridic-in-a-good way?! “It Gets Better” INDEED! Now, shit wasn’t perfect, but it was loaded, and halfway through this episode I found myself thinking “oh, I’m actually into this” and MEANING IT, for the first time in a while. The episode started out in the boys’ locker room, where it ALWAYS SHOULD, with Sam and Finn in side-by-side bathtubs (weird—that’s how my screenplay starts too!). Finn’s bath is all hot and steamy, but Sam’s is FREEZING COLD, because his penis needs a break from all the not-fucking Quinn’s doing with him, since she’s all “I don’t want another baby I need to throw out.”

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