When you’ve got it, you’ve got it!

Benedict Cumberbatch just signed on to star in the upcoming film Blood Mountain, which Variety says, “follows a private military contractor whose special forces team is ambushed and killed during a covert raid, forcing him to personally escort one of the world’s most wanted terrorists over hostile terrain in order to bring him to justice.” Hmmm, interesting. But what do you think he’s going to SAY in it? Huh. Good question! Here are some guesses:

  • “I signed up for mountain, not BLOOD mountain.”
  • “If you told me two weeks ago that I’d be personally escorting one of the world’s most wanted terrorists over hostile terrain on Blood Mountain I would have been like, ‘Yeah, right. BLOOD mountain?’”
  • “This mountain is the worst!”
  • “I told them that I wasn’t good with blood, so they send me to a mountain called BLOOD MOUNTAIN? It’s like — it’s just completely disrespectful. That’s the last straw, seriously. I’m done.”
  • “Ugh, I already hated being on this mountain. Now I have to spend my time here with a TERRORIST? Could this get any shittier?!”
  • “I vant to suck yo’r bluuud…mouuuntain! Haha. Ahhh. I am sad, though. And scared!”
  • “I’m either going to bring you to justice or we’re both going to die here on Blood Mountain. And I definitely don’t want to die here, because — well, I already explained my feelings about Blood Mountain, I’m not going to repeat myself.”
  • “I’ve heard of blood pudding, but is too much!”

Hmm. Good guesses!

The biggest animal video-related news going around this afternoon is that Budweiser released their Super Bowl commercial called “Puppy Love” on-line and apparently, according to many different sources, it will force you to “grab a tissue.” Because you are “crying.” I am not going to link to the commercial, or watch it myself, or ask you to watch it, because, first of all, I don’t want any of us to choose to watch a Budweiser commercial when we don’t even have to. WE AREN’T EVEN WATCHING A SHOW! Second of all, I especially don’t want any of us to ever, in our whole lives, not even once, not even because it caught us off-guard or because we were already going through something difficult, CRY AT A BUDWEISER COMMERCIAL! Literally everyone on Earth is better than that. What? Does the puppy die because it drank too much beer? Hahaha. That would be very sad! And very irresponsible of its owner, but we still wouldn’t have to watch it. Don’t watch it! Choose not to watch any commercial you see advertised as a Super Bowl commercial. We’ll see them when we absolutely have to! Later! During the Super Bowl! AND MOST OF ALL WHO CARES, OKAY, LET’S GET TO THE VIDEOOOOOOOS!

  • If you told me that anyone on Earth cared to see leaked photos from the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie I would have thought you were making a JK, but you wouldn’t have been, apparently! And here they are! -ComicBookMovie
  • Melissa McCarthy Saturday Night Live promos, you guys. -NBC
  • Richard Linklater, Femke Wolting, and Tommy Pallotta are doing a remake of The Incredible Mr. Limpet, and Zach Galifianakis is rumored to star. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone! -/Film
  • Seth Rogen, James Franco, Michael Cera, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill, Nick Kroll, and Edward Norton will all be voicing characters in the upcoming animated feature Sausage Party. -FilmDrunk
  • Why is TV so popular on Netflix? Because it’s the best and you get to watch it forever, and somehow hours of  television is great even though a three hour movie is incredibly painful? Click 2 find out! -Pajiba

Every expert knows that in the world of sports there are three categories into which your practice may fall: ball, race, and routine. An easy way to figure out which category your sport falls into is to ask yourself, “Am I taking it to the hoop?” If you find yourself taking it to the hoop, there is a good chance that you are either in a “ball” based sport or a “routine” based sport. If your answer is “no, I am not taking it to the hoop” ask yourself, “do I know my time?” If you know your time, the possibility that you are in either a “race” or “routine” based sport rises. Of course, we are not here to discuss the ways in which an advanced player figures out his or her gamebase. We are here to discuss an exciting new sport that we would say falls into “a category of its own” if it did not already fall into the “ball” category: Taser Football. Ah, indeed! In a world of gadgets, it’s only right that some might be incorporated into the classic game! Of course, it would be a sideline blunder to waste time chatting about your boyfriend’s exciting new sport. Let’s do what non-players do and get to the video!

“Hah, it’s cute,” said the college girlfriend. “You don’t think it’s funny?? Oh my god, we watched this video all the time and just, like, laughed and laugh–” “No, no, it’s funny! Really, it’s cute and funny.” “Maybe– okay, let me just show you this one part again–” “IT’S FUNNY.” (Via Digg.)

And just like that, his wish was granted — Thor had been transformed from the hammer-wielding superhero god to a regular Joe. Finally he was free to walk the streets in a suit, attempt to get some sort of office job that no one — not even his close friends — would feel comfortable asking him anything specific about, meet a lady, and not make her travel to other dimensions all the time, or whatever Natalie Portman has to do in those movies. Of course, though, he couldn’t make the transition without some sort of a sweet, little security blanket (hammer). And of course, it is now up to you to CAPTION THAT SECURITY BLANKET (HAMMER)!

Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. (Image via DailyMail.)

  • Here is your first look at the fourth season of Portlandia, which is going to be so good. -EW
  • Did you think that The Wolf of Wall Street was pretty good, but your one complaint was that you wished it were at least one full hour longer? You could be in luck! -/Film
  • There is going to be a True Romance festival in Burbank this year, to celebrate the film’s 20th anniversary. -FilmDrunk
  • Here is a list of US theaters that will be showing the Veronica Mars movie. I hope you aren’t disappointed! Don’t shoot the messenger! And if you do, remember that Pajiba is the messenger! -Pajiba
  • And finally, Whit Stillman is working on a Jane Austen-inspired novel. -Vulture