[Originally posted on February 21st, 2012.]
Ah, we’re finally watching Downton Abbey! Right as everyone else is just slightly past caring about whether or not their friends actually start watching it. Are many of you guys joining me in seeing this series for the first time? Boy I hope so because, I have to tell you, I just finished the first episode and THERE ARE SO MANY NAMES TO KNOW! I’m already so embarrassed. I’m happy that none of you can see the notes I wrote down during the episode because they were all along the lines of, “Youngish guy is mad about not being the guy to main guy.” “Lady and older lady are talking about the money thing.” Like that, but MORE embarrassing. “Old maid is talking to young maid about breakfast?” But because the first episode was about fourteen hours long, I think I got a handle on (most of) the names and things that were happening by the end of it. Thank goodness. (Definitely not all of them, though.) (And I would just go onto IMDB or Wikipedia and look them up, but I DO NOT want any spoilers.) (Very serious about that.) (This is very serious.) I’m excited to go on this adventure with you guys! I hear this show is pretty good! Let’s get into it!
[Originally posted on January 17th, 2013.]
This website has had a long and difficult history with America’s Mediocrity, Al Roker, but all of that is forgiven today. He is now an American Hero. Let’s just get right to it. From TMZ:
When you undergo gastric bypass surgery, NEVER TRUST A FART — and Al Roker learned that lesson the hard way … at the White House.
Roker — who got his stomach stapled in March 2002 — shared his most embarrassing moment on “Dateline” last night, saying he was covering an event at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave a month after his operation … when he felt the urge to let one rip.
Roker said, “I probably went off and ate something I wasn’t supposed to. And as I’m walking to the press room, [I'm thinking] well, I gotta pass a little gas here. I’m walking by myself. Who’s gonna know? Only a little something extra came out. I pooped my pants.”
Roker said he beelined for the restroom to dump his underwear in the trash — and proceeded to go commando the rest of the day.
#NeverTrustAFart is trending worldwide. “I beelined for the restroom to dump my underwear in the trash and then I proceeded to go commando for the rest of the day.” That’s how that quote went, right? He said it exactly like that? Some stories you don’t want to embellish them or take the scenic route. This reminds me of Nicholas Schmidle’s incredible article in the New Yorker last year about the hunt for and assassination of Osama Bin Laden. No bells and whistles. No self-indulgent journalistic flourishes. Just sitting down and reflecting the world back to itself. January 2012: Mark Wahlberg single-handedly stopped 9/11. January 2013: Al Roker poops his pants at the White House. I don’t know about you guys, but this makes me excited for ALL OF THE STORIES YET TO BE TOLD! (NEVER TRUST A FART!)
[Originally posted on March 10th, 2010.]
Last night I received the following email from my mom:
so, i’ve missed many episodes (years) of LOST…so, what the hell is the smoke monster? where did the temple come from all of a sudden? i cannot do this TV thing…can’t keep up. xomom
Whoa, mom. Language! Here’s the thing, though: I haven’t missed any episodes (years) of Lost, and I have no idea how to even begin answering either of those questions. I have no idea what the hell the smoke monster is! And if you are confused by where the temple came from all of a sudden, WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LIGHTHOUSE. You would kind of think that a person who was really sticking with it, really doing his or her best to untangle the mysteries of the Island, would at least have a modicum of authority and satisfaction when a social Loster (“Only at parties, and never alone”) asked a question that definitely seems answerable. And yet here we are, just as in the dark as anyone, holding our satin satchel of Jacob dust wondering where are the answers went.
So we set aside questions of the smoke monster and the temple and basically everything for the moment. And we ask the less pressing but still interesting question, Hey, What’s Up With Ben?
[Originally posted on August 15th, 2008.]
lindsay: So there’s a trailer for the HBO vampire show TrueBlood…
lindsay: Which serves as the ultimate and final proof that nothing involving vampires can ever be good.
gabe: you just insulted our teenage girl readership
gabe: (all our readership)
gabe: also bunicula was pretty good
lindsay: okay human vampires
lindsay: among us
gabe: you mean like quentin tarantino?
gabe: and spencer pratt?
gabe: nosferatu was pretty good
lindsay: hmm, they do have the same kind of annoying face.
lindsay: hey, I was obsessed with vampires
gabe: of course you were
[Originally posted on September 15th, 2011.]
[American actor Nicolas Cage is an international superstar who is currently attending the Toronto Film Festival in support of his new movie Trespass. He doesn't have, and will never have, time in his busy schedule to sit down for an interview with us. So this interview is FAKE.]
Videogum: Thank you so much for taking the time to do this interview, it’s really incredible to be talking to you.
Nicolas Cage: You’re welcome, I bet it is pretty incredible, I am very famous.
VG: I mean, I’m glad to be interviewing you for sure, but I was mostly just being nice. It’s not “incredible.” I don’t know, the way you responded just seemed really self-absorbed.
NC: [laughs] Hey man! It’s your dime.
NC: It’s your dime, man!
VG: Oh, I heard you. What you said didn’t make any sense.
NC: Alriiiiiighty then.
VG: That’s not even one of your characters.
[Nicolas Cage ignores this comment as he pulls off his wig and refreshes the wig glue on his wig.]
VG: Anyway, Nicolas Cage, there is a story circulating on the Internet today about how you woke up one night to find a naked stranger standing at the foot of your bed wearing your leather jacket and eating a fudgesicle.
NC: Wild stuff. Wild at heart.
VG: Oh brother.
[Apparently, Nicolas Cage did not apply enough wig glue the first time, as he now pulls his wig off again and applies more wig glue.]
[Originally posted on June 30th, 2010.]
A dear friend of mine and I used to have a SUPER INTELLIGENT, SOPHISTICATED, and NORMAL game called “People’s Pussies,” where we’d imagine what famous ladies’ genitals would be like if they themselves were people. What were their favorite snacks, favorite songs, personality traits, etc.? Tilda Swinton was one of our favorite subjects, and we decided, back then (in the go-go Michael Clayton days) that Tilda Swinton’s pussy always had a pounding headache, that it smelled like unscented hand cream, and that it would invite you over for dinner all the time, but never come out of its room to eat with you. It’s a fun game, and a great way to show respect to other people. It was impossible to get my preconceived notions of Tilda Swinton’s pussy’s personality out of my head going into I Am Love, but that damn movie was so good that from now on I will always think of Tilda Swinton’s pussy as someone who loves shrimp, the color orange, hiking, and low-back designer frocks—just like me! In a way, I’m Tilda Swinton’s pussy, and in another way, Tilda Swinton’s pussy is everyone. I Am Love is a great movie.
[Originally posted on April 1st, 2008.]
THE CHALLENGE: To go to The Today Show and stand in the audience with a sign of Lindsay’s design.
THE RESULT: My alarm is set for 4:15 in the morning because my challenge is to be in the crowd on the Today Show, and I read on a website that “If you think you can arrive at 7 a.m. and get a good spot, you’re mistaken.” It should probably read “If you want to be on The Today Show at 7 a.m. you are mistaken,” but I can’t find an email address on the site for sending in editorial corrections. I get up at 4:15 in the morning and I do ten push ups because I’m Jack Fucking Palance, apparently. You know where I just read about sleep deprivation and push ups? In a New Yorker article about Abu Ghraib. I’m not saying this is as bad as Abu Ghraib, but I’m saying this is definitely like Abu Ghraib. Before I leave the house, I take three anti-diarrheal tablets to lock it down. Because the only thing that I can imagine worse than having to stand around in the cold in Rockefeller Center with high school kids on spring break, is having to stand around in the cold in Rockefeller Center with high school kids on spring break and shitting your pants.