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Sometimes you hear about celebrities going broke and you’re like “how did that happen?” Not this time.
I’m not sure what this video of zookeepers in Tokyo training for the possibility of an animal escape is a metaphor for, but I am smart enough to understand that it is a metaphor for something, and I have EYES enough to know that it is a beautiful one. Is it a big, broad idea, like “war” or “religion”? Is it a small, specific idea, like loving someone based on preconceived notions you have about that person, only to find in the end that they weren’t quite accurate and that you only loved the “paper mâché rhino,” so to speak? Who knows. Just something to think about. For days and days and days and days and days. (Via Neatorama.)
Historically, in writing Top Chef recaps, I would try and come up with a fun headline. You know, just something kicky and fun. Maybe some wordplay. Maybe a pop culture reference. Something about the food they cooked, but in a light and joking manner? Anyway, as you can see, the headline on this post is straight-forward because this show has become almost unbearably dull. If they’re not going to make this enjoyable and entertaining, I’m not going to beat my head against the wall trying to do their jobs for them. On this episode, the winner of Last Chance Kitchen, the lowest rated Internet webseries of all time, is revealed and it’s Beverly. OK? Beverly is back. They try to make it into this whole thing. “Did you even know they were doing Last Chance Kitchen?” Yeah, I knew, and I couldn’t have cared less. Right from the get-go by starting the season off with 400 contestants and whittling it down to 15 over TWO HOURS this season of Top Chef has been tedious and insulting to its audience. Just because people like something doesn’t necessarily mean they want a TON MORE of it (with the exception of Justified, which should be on every single night and/or just be a 24-hour network of its own with brand new episodes every single hour). It is actually possible to contain yourself to a 12-episode season and make that season interesting and compelling and fast-paced and not slog it down with 10 extra episodes of absolute garbage. But hey! If the Top Chef producers want to run this thing into the ground so that no one even has the energy to stay tuned for Watch What Happens Live! that is their business. Literally. That is their job. But I still think they should be fired.
Welcome back, Beverly. Everyone hates you.
I have no idea what the “Golden Collar” awards are, but Triumph is mad that he isn’t getting one. He is the Ryan Gosling or Patton Oswalt or whoever of dog puppets.
I know we all hate public marriage proposals. None of us have a different opinion on them, certainly none of us have ever done them or had them done to us, and sometimes we can’t get to sleep at night because we can’t stop thinking about how terrible they make us feel. I definitely know that all of that is the truth. And, I have to tell you, the first proposal you’re going to see is kind of a public marriage proposal, because it is Greg Jones — sportsman — proposing to his girlfriend after winning the Super Bowl. But it is public in the quietest way possible, while still being surrounded by a million cameras and people. And it still sounds PRETTY GOOD, right? I cannot wait until my future husband wins the Super Bowl and then proposes to me and the stays faithful to me for the rest of my life. The second video is kind of like an intense opposite of a public marriage proposal, while still being something that you’re watching on the internet. (A man in a Bender helmet proposing in binary code.) So we’re all agreeing that they’re both pretty cool marriage proposals, but — WHICH IS THE COOLEST? Please watch and judge for yourself.
Schwarzenegger posted this photo of him and Sylvester Stallone in pre-op together waiting for their simultaneous shoulder surgeries along with the following caption:
After all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting The Expendables 2 and The Last Stand, it was time for a little tune up on my shoulder. Look who was coincidentally waiting in line behind me for his shoulder surgery. Now we’re ready for another round of great times and action when we shoot The Tomb.
Hahahaha. Of course, dear. Shhhhhh. Just rest now. All we want is for you to come home. GET WELL SOON, BOYS! (Via BlameItOnTheVoices.)
Kurt Vonnegut once wrote that all of life is high school, which science has since proven. Even though we are all, every single one of us, adults now (please have your ID’s out) we still spend far too much time worrying what other people think of us, even if we know that we spend too much time worrying about that. You can’t not. And there are ways in which the social structure of our adult lives depends on at least a modicum of self-awareness and self-understanding within the social hierarchy established 45 years ago in the hallways of East Dillon High. The trade-off, of course, is that although we are still stuck in this living nightmare of judgement and self-doubt, at least we aren’t OLD and SICK like OLD PEOPLE. Right? Phew. Gross. Except, as this video of a grandad signing the pig song shows, at a certain point in life you ain’t care no more. You got your loving family, and you’re not trying to win no more beauty contests, so if they want you to sing the pig song on cue, fuck it, you’ll sing the fucking pig song, and it will be so intense, and you’ll STARE DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA WITHOUT BLINKING WHILE YOU DO IT, TOO.
Gabe: hey kelly
Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: you excited for valentine’s day?
Gabe: the most magical day of the year?
Kelly: Uh duh yeah hello
Kelly: I love love
Kelly: And I love celebrating it
Gabe: oh good
Gabe: you got your wallet ready?
Gabe: is your wallet packed?
Kelly: WIth what? Coupons for hugs?
Kelly: Yeah I guess
Kelly: There are a few
Kelly: Nothing else though, why?
Gabe: well, it turns out, and i didn’t know this either
Gabe: but women have to pay for valentine’s day
Gabe: says Martha Stewart
Gabe: she told seth meyers and now we all know
Kelly: WHAT???????
