[Originally posted on November 15th, 2010.]
[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian. In his new column, he takes on the genre of Dude Flicks, where guns, pecs, car crashes and glib one-liners delivered in front of a burning building with only half a t-shirt on and nothing left to lose reign supreme. He loves those movies for so many reasons, all of which are that they turn him ON.]
Train = penis! I can’t believe no one figured that out before! Analysis complete!
When veteran train in-charge-of-person Denzel Washington meets his boyfriend for the day, a rookie train in-charge-of-person with turquoise eyes and a jawline by Ginsu, he’s like “greeeeeeeat … NOT.” The rookie is Chris Pine, who’s got a bad attitude and some baby-mama drama as implied by a TOO SHORT scene during the credits when he wakes up on some couch in his tightie whities, while his wife is across town packing up their son for school. Oh, and he looks like Star Fox in THEHOTTESTWAY possible. If you’re not familiar with Chris Pine from 2009’s Movie for Dudes of the century Star Trek, then close your laptop, walk outside, and tell a stranger that you’re sorry FOR EVERYTHING. If Chris Pine already has a page in your Scrapbook About Heaven, then keep reading!
[Originally posted on September 12th, 2011.]
Well, here we are. Pretty incredible. After ten thousand episodes and 45 years of memories, Entourage finally comes to an end. To say that this is the end of an era hardly does the momentousness of this occasion justice. If anything it’s almost TOO important. I just feel honored and blessed to be alive in these times and in a position where I can offer up a recap, however inadequate. Anyway, where to even begin? How about the only way TO begin. With this:
Powerful stuff. Oh yeah, indeed. SO: Turtle, Johnny Drama, and Billy Walsh are all eating brunch together in the penthouse (HBO’s new slogan should be “It’s not TV, it’s Brunch.”) when in walks Vinny Chase [APPLAUSE]. He just got back from “the best 24 hour date of [his] life,” which apparently is a kind of date, and he’s got some big news. Well, so do the boys. Well, this is bigger. Well, the boys don’t know about that. EASY, LADIES, I’M SURE YOU ALL HAVE BIG NEWS THAT’S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE! Vince “thinks” he’s getting married. Wait, that’s not how you deliver that news, Vince. You either are getting married or you are not getting married, especially when THE WEDDING IS TONIGHT IN PARIS! Better make up your mind soon, you’ve got six hours. Wait, what is the boys’s news? Oh, right, Sloane is pregnant. Vince falls asleep this news is so boring. He sleeps through his wedding. Ari dies. The End. JUST KIDDING THERE’S SO MUCH MORE WONDERFUL EPISODE TO RECAP:
Gosh, who would have ever thought Jay Leno would spend the last half hour of his final episode of The Tonight Show lying on his desk in the dark? And requesting for Kevin Eubanks to come hold his hand, only to find out that Kevin Eubanks was actually on tour in France? EEEEEK! Very awkward! JK, of course I did not actually watch the series finale of Jay Leno’s Tonight Show. I tuned in to see a series of political JibJab videos and decided that that was truly enough for me. (I also watched his teary goodbye this morning. It is very sad! Seeing most people cry and talk about death is sad, in fact!) Ahead of last night, a bunch of people (people = blogs, obviously) were talking about how Conan and Jimmy Kimmel had STACKED shows to take viewers away from Leno’s finale (Conan had the cast of the Walking Dead and Kimmel had Matt Damon and George Clooney, which, to me, sort of seem like normal episodes of late night television? And, like, now that the Walking Dead is coming back and Monuments Men is coming out, the episodes of late night television that EVERYONE is having?), but it is strange to me how no one pointed out that Nick at Night aired a straight up MARATHON of Friends episodes! And on Time Warner Cable in NYC, that channel is, like, two channels away from NBC. Very big oversight, blogs. Nick at Night doesn’t do that every night. (I think they only do it three or four nights out of the week?) Anyway. DID YOU WATCH? Did you love Garth? Were you psyched to see Kim Kardashian finally make her first appearance on late night television? Hmm?
[Originally posted on October 8th, 2012.]
As of right now, Monday, October 8, 2012, 5:30PM EST David Blaine has been standing in a chain-mail suit on New York’s Pier 54 with 1 million volts of electricity flowing from one Tesla coil to another across his body for 69 hours. He has 3 hours left. It’s the most recent in a series of endurance stunts (being in ice for a while, being on a column for a while, being in a box for a while, being in dirt for a while, being half-asleep ALWAYS) Blaine has performed in public over the past few years for what seems like 0 reason, and it is the stunt he claims to be the “most dangerous” yet. (It’s also a stunt that this scientist claims to be “shockingly safe” and one that Intel’s Ultrabook claims to be “shockingly ULTRABOOK ULTRABOOK PLEASE BUY ULTRABOOK,” but who are you going to believe?) I visited Blaine on Sunday, October 7 and, if you asked me, I’d say that it was one of the shockingly dumber and more confusing things I’ve ever seen in my life. #ELECTRIFIED!
[Originally posted on September 1st, 2011.]
Kevin Bacon was so tired of being famous and he wanted to see what it was really like to be a regular guy going about his day without being constantly recognized by strangers, so he put on his disguise mask and he went to the store. Here we go, he thought to himself, now I am going to have some real privacy and know what life is like for regular people. He had the limo drop him off a block away from the store so that no one at the store would see him getting out of a limo. Very clever. He walked into the store. It was getting a little sweaty and gross under his rubber mask out in the sun and stuff, but he didn’t even take it off. He knew that if he took it off, people would recognize him, and then he wouldn’t even know what it was like to be at this store without a mob of people asking you to sign their Hollow Man t-shirts. Sweat trickled down under the mask and was absorbed by his tuxedo. Kevin Bacon reminded himself to have this tuxedo burned when he got home. He wandered through the store, picking up items that he thought a person might buy. Champagne. A shovel. Flat screen TV. A toilet. Bullets. It was getting hard to hold all of the things in his arms. A man in a brightly-colored vest came towards him pushing a strange object. “Sir,” the man said, “maybe this will help so you don’t have to carry all of those things in your arms like that.”
How odd! The man spoke to him without bowing and seemed to make no move to offer Kevin Bacon a flute of champagne or a water cracker topped with caviar and creme fraiche. Was this really what the world was like? “What is that thing?” Kevin Bacon asked, pointing at the terrifying contraption the man pushed in front of him.
“Uh, well, this is a shopping cart, sir.” Kevin Bacon circled this so-called “shopping cart” suspiciously. The last thing he wanted was to get sued by this “shopping cart” for inappropriate contact. Everything had an agenda these days. The man in the vest watched Kevin Bacon for a moment, shook his head, and disappeared into a forest of sweatpants.
Our own Ladyrainicorn (human name: Theresa) has set up a blog for those of you looking for a clean corner of this garbage-filled Internet to continue to hang out and write with your Videogum family. It seems like it will be a wonderful place.
[Originally posted on October 17, 2011.]
It’s 2011, so the time has FINALLY come for a Top Gun sequel. “We’re ready now.” – America. If Hollywood had tried to make a Top Gun sequel any earlier, even in say 2009, for example, the front page headlines would have screamed TOO SOON! But now it is time. All of the planets are aligned. It just feels right. From /Film:
Yep, the sequel/follow-up to Top Gun is still happening. Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz, who were jointly responsible for one of the middle drafts of X-Men: First Class, are in talks to write Top Gun 2 (or whatever it will eventually be called) for Paramount and David Ellison’s Skydance Productions.
Oooh! The writers jointly responsible for one of the middle drafts of X-Men: First Class?! Is anyone worried that this movie is going to be TOO good? Also this quote form Tony Scott:
It’s not even a reinvention, it’s not even a sequel. It’s a re-thinking. What inspired me is that the world today is great, it’s so different from the world we touched originally. It’s really run by guys sitting in Nevada on computers playing war games. So it’s a mixture of that, and it’s the end of the generation of fighter pilots. Not in a complete end to the generation, because these guys they go up in F-35s and they carry 10 drones with them. [But] it’s a very different movie.
Sick. Love it. Already have a reservation at Ink World to get a Top Gun 2 tattoo on my FACE. There aren’t any “OFFICIAL” plot details at the moment, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that Top Gun 2 will center around Maverick Jr., a six-month-old baby raised in the United States Air Force’s top secret Super Baby Soldiers program and trained from a very early age (even earlier than six-months!) to be a killing machine. The only question now is WHO WILL PLAY MAVERICK JR.? Here are some casting suggestions:
[Originally posted on May 12th, 2009, a faraway time when, Lindsay would like me to point out, the "R" word, which Lindsay would like me to apologize for her use of, was not widely considered offensive.]
The Challenge: I had to go on a 3.5 hour bus tour of totally random TV and film locations in New York City. Alone, and wearing a specific ridiculous tshirt. And I had to find someone to take my picture at every location.
The Result: I learned lessons about myself and others. And I went full retard.