1. On the 16th day of Metageitnion, sacrifice the dearest thing in your life to the god Artemis.
2. Hunt and capture a swan, but be careful not to do so boastfully.
3. Care for your swan — alive or dead — and think of nothing but having an edible apple swan.
4. Pray to Artemis that she might fulfill the wish you keep in your heart.
5. Enjoy your edible apple swan.
We got our first look at the upcoming Batman Vs. Superman movie back in July, but did you know that the dumb thing doesn’t even have a name yet? How hard is it to name a movie? Just call it what it is: Batman Vs. Superman. That’s what they did with The Facebook Movie. Right? I’m pretty sure that’s right, and that won three Oscars! Apparently, though, they are not into that idea, based on these SLEUTHINGS from Fusible, via FilmDrunk:
Oh my god, did you hear about Jennifer? Like — okay, you know me, you know I’m not one to spread gossip about friends or whatever, but seriously…I mean, I can feel the emptiness of her womb from here. You know? Like, I FEEL empty. And it’s not mean if I say that! I love her, we’ve been friends forever, but I don’t care how beautiful and talented and famous and successful she is — girl needs to lock down a man and FILL THAT WOMB. Seriously, don’t tell anyone I told you, but I think she’s going to have a vacancy for a while. From Hollywood Life:
Jennifer Aniston may not be getting her happily ever after anytime soon. The 44-year-old actress is currently living in Bel Air, while Justin Theroux is busy working in NYC — and the distance is reportedly taking a major toll on their relationship.
After a string of failed relationships, Jen’s dreams of finally finding her happily ever after are slipping away. Multiple insiders reveal that work, distance and insecurity have driven [Aniston] and [Theroux] apart in recent months and that their wedding is on hold as their relationship grinds to a halt.
“They’ve hit a rough patch,” says one friend. “Right now, there are no wedding plans, no baby plans — nothing.”
It, like…makes me sad to think about how sad she must be? I almost don’t want to know about it because, not to be rude, but I don’t want any of that desperation clouding my own life. If you get what I’m saying? I don’t know. Don’t tell anyone I told you — I really shouldn’t have told you or anybody — and especially around the holidays, I would hate to have her know we were talking about her. It’s just, ugh, it’s so sad.
“It’s so difficult to judge relationships from the outside. Sometimes you’ll hear about a fight your friend is having with his or her boyfriend and you immediately want to take your friend’s side, but you don’t know what led up to it. Even if you heard the other side of the story, you wouldn’t be able to completely understand the context without having been in that relationship for however long it’s lasted. It’s difficult. So, I know when people see the video of my Internet prankster boyfriend pranking me on our anniversary by telling me that he cheated on me, and then losing his shit when I prank him back by telling him that I cheated on him too, they’re probably going to think, ‘hmm, this is a strange relationship.’” But they don’t know. They don’t know how wonderful it is to be there by his side, during his other Internet pranks. They don’t know how exhilarating it is to be in a relationship where you have to be constantly on your toes because you never know when your partner is going to set up a hidden camera and attempt to publicly humiliate you for the rush of a few hours of minor Internet fame, in an attempt to stave off the feeling that one day he will die and, eventually, his existence will be forgotten. They don’t even know if the stunt is real or staged! (Though, they could probably bet easily enough!) There is just so much people don’t know. But I know that I love him. He is mine and I am his, forever and — fingers crossed — ever.” – You (If you are the girl in this video.)
When you’re stressed out at work today, or when you get another essay assignment when you already have, like, four essays due that week, or when your mom just won’t get off your case about cleaning your room even though it’s YOUR room and it’s private and she shouldn’t even be going in there anyway, like, jesus christ, what’s her deal, remember that when reflecting on the life you’ve lived, these little moments of joy, these times when the cat hit the popcorn directly into the dog’s mouth while you were recording it with your phone, will be what you remember best. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, I’m just saying. (Via TastefullyOffensive.)
One week ago today, it snowed in the morning. I know they can’t all be magical days where it snowed in the morning, but I hope that your day is going at least as well as a non-snow day can go. YOU DESERVE IT. But you know who you don’t deserve “it” as much as? “It,” in this case, meaning having your wine placed in Wine Spectator’s Top 100 Wines of the Year? Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, apparently! From Us Magazine:
Watch out wine world! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just added another award to their growing mantel filled with Oscars, Golden Globes and SAG Awards — only this time, the honor is for wine.
The dynamic duo’s Chateau Miraval Rosé 2012 was ranked number 84 among Wine Spectator’s Top 100 Wines of the Year, making it the “best Rosé in the world,” according to a new press release. Back in March when the wine was first released, all 6,000 bottles sold out within five hours.
Although Jolie, 38, and fiance Pitt, 49, may have helped boost sales with their celebrity, wine experts seem to agree that the Hollywood super-couple can toast to their good taste. Wine Spectator Managing Editor Kim Marcus called the rosé “Refined and elegant, offering pure and concentrated flavors of dried red berry, tangerine and melon. The focused finish features flint and spice notes, with a hint of cream.”
Huh. I don’t mean to attempt to rain on anyone’s parade, but I watched Somm on Netflix recently and the major thing I took away from it is that no one actually knows too much of what they’re talking about when they talk about wine. So. Maybe don’t get too excited about your accomplishment, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, because of a thing that I more-or-less took away from a documentary that I watched! But congratulations anyway! Good day! Nice day! HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
- Warner Bros. and Jonas Cuarón made a short film showing the other side of the call that happened towards the end of Gravity, titled “Aningaaq.” It is beautiful. -FilmDrunk
- Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen are getting married. I wonder if Chuck knows. -Dlisted
- In honor of its 150th anniversary, here are Louis C.K. and Jerry Seinfeld reading the Gettysburg Address for Ken Burns. Happy birthday, the Gettysburg Address! -DeathAndTaxes
- Vulture has an article up about how Friends decided to put Monica and Chandler together, and guess what, I just watched the Ross wedding episode last night! What a coincidence for me that has nothing to do with anyone else. Anyway, here you go: -Vulture
- A new trailer has been released for Muppets Most Wanted. Want to watch it? Also, why isn’t it Muppet’s Most Wanted? That doesn’t make any sense. -Muppets