The Kate Gosselin Halloween Costume Contest Semi-Finalists
The results of the Kate Gosselin Halloween Costume Fan Fiction contest are in! The winning entry was featured as a You Can Make It Up guest columnist — which you can read here. The runners up, in no particular order, are below.
Untitled Entry, submitted by Anne
Kara slowly opened the door to her mother Kate’s bedroom. She could see Kate’s scale skin was still wrapped in the polyurethane cocoon TLC had provided with the family in exchange for the episode where the family went skiing in Utah (Kate hated skiing – it wreaked havoc on her tentacles). Kara watched as the plastic pod rose and fell with each breath the mother beast inside took as she slept.
With a sigh of relief, Kara closed the door and returned to the kitchen. She had looked forward all week to baking brownies. Brownies would replace her sadness, and then she would eat that sadness. She was a genius child.
Her dad was scheduled to be at the house with a “surprise” later that day, and she thought brownies would be a nice gift to convince him to stop rape-raping her teachers.
Outside of the house, a beeping noise started faint and grew louder. Kara dropped the wooden mixing spoon into the bowl of batter and ran to the front window: it wasn’t time! He was too early! There was a large industrial truck in the driveway, mounting a large, neon Ed Hardy light above the garage. Her father, in the passenger seat of the truck, was visibly drunk and masturbating.
“Not again,” Kara whispered. She knew this would wake her mother. She was in for a terrible afternoon.
Before she could finish her thought, the stench of rotted liposuction entrails filled the foyer: Kara knew she was not alone. She did not turn around. She didn’t need to.
“Get me my face,” the blithering blob behind her ordered, telepathically. “Now.”
Kara nodded, and steadily retreated to the secret lair behind the laundry room, and returned with Kate’s human suit. The blob squeezed it’s blister-ridden appendages into the arms and legs, until the suit slipped over her whole being.
Kara complied, and soon, Kate was out the front door waiving several hundred copies of a restraining order above her head while simultaneously dialing Janice Min on her cell phone. Her estranged husband opened the cab of the lift truck, inebriatedly fell onto the curb, lit a cigarette, and opened his Ed Hardy hoodie to reveal a tattoo of a 16 year old girl giving birth to 8 Jon Gosselins.
He had won..this time.
Kate sauntered back into the house, returned to her bedroom, and shoved a label maker in her pussy before returning to hibernation.
Kara stood speechless in the foyer. “I don’t think I want brownies anymore.”
Untitled Entry, submitted by Angela
Kate awoke at 3:45am to the Christian Death Metal blaring from the alarm clock. Boy, was she pissed off. Because of how she is always pissed off. Kate farted on her bodyguard, who had remained in a deep sleep due to the earplugs he wore at all times. “Fuck my fucking life,” they both thought. Kate got out of bed.
Downstairs, Mady stopped making ransom letters (her FAVE in Arts and Crafts) in order to give a cameraman the double bird, then resumed with the cutting and glue. Cara was kissing butterflies in the open window. “I love you, Cara,” says Kate as she smiles at her bank account. Kate turns to look at Mady dead in the eyes, then heads to the kitchen.
Oops, 4:15am. Time to call Jon. “Fuck your mother.” She hangs up, spots Joel, and decides to make sure he is not gay. “Oh, fuck it,” she figured, and did a quick bump by the kitchen island. Hannah watched from the corner, extremely annoyed. Only Hannah knows. “This goddamn woman, amIright?”
Kate sees the look on Hannah’s face.
“WHAT. Let’s not have a meltdown. Right? No meltdowns Hannah & Kate, now let’s go find HEY GET OUT MY GODDAMN MUTHERUFUCKIN KITCHEN.”
The cameraman leaned proudly against the organic marble kitchen island, Kate’s Most Special of Areas. He tried to conceal his glee, knowing what would come next.
“GRRAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH” she screamed, as she yanked a blade out of her GRAGH collection (there’s one in every room.) Another spike is added to the Indian Headress. This pleased Kate. Humming, she marched up the stairs to find something boring to bitch about. It was actually turning out to be a good day.
Untitled Entry, submitted by Brigid
Kate Gosselin’s eight children always seem to be yammering for food and drink. But one day, the children’s cries for food became particularly annoying, so she decided to go to the store.
She made a grocery list on her custom stationary…
“What’s best for my children is:
10 sets bang extensions
3 buckets L’Oreal hair bleach
1 butt lift
1 crapton Ann Taylor Loft clothes”
…and she drove to her favorite one stop shop, TLC’s Pennsylvania headquarters.
She was greeted by a fawning lackey, who ushered her into the CEO’s office and offered her a drink. Kate Gosselin thought of the trendiest drink she could think of, and said to the lackey, “What’s best for my children is a cappuccino”. The man walked off briskly to get her coffee order, but still it was not produced instantaneously, which caused Kate Gosselin to develop an intense, throbbing migraine. If one could physically see the pain caused by unfulfilled self-entitlement such as this, it would look like the back of Kate Gosselin’s hair. Kate Gosselin yelled, “Don’t you care at all about my children’s welfare? YOU’RE FIRED, MISTER.”
In swaggered the CEO of The Learning Channel. When he spoke, he sounded like Lionel Hutz. “Kate, baby, I know why you’re here, but we can’t. We’re gonna have to cancel Kate Plus 8, so we can’t furnish your nouveau riche lifestyle anymore.” Kate Gosselin was like wtf and wasn’t having any of it, so the CEO said, “Look, Kate, babe, it’s all about ratings. If you want people to watch the show you’re gonna have to up the ante. Have another set of multiples and we’ll talk then.”
Kate Gosselin had to agree with him. “What’s best for my children is more children,” she said. So she went home and opened the family’s safe, which contained cryogenic Jon Gosselin sperm. She opened the space-agey sperm container and looked at the cold, sticky substance within. “Jon’s sperm has more personality than he does,” Kate Gosselin said as a joke, a harmless mom-style joke stemming from a small reserve of humanity deep within the droopy post-pregnancy skin folds of her soul. She admonished herself. “Save it for the camera, Kate,” said Kate Gosselin as she inseminated herself.
Some time later, Kate Gosselin was very pregnant and getting a sonogram. Her doctor said, “You got pregnant with 15 Asian babies, but 13 of them appear to be dead due to placental neglect.”
“OH THANK GOD” said Kate Gosselin.
Lincoln & Kate Plus 8, submitted by Todd
About a month ago, Mary Todd became obsessed with the idea of taking a tour of the television channel, TLC’s, headquarters. Over the years I have learned not to question her strange passions (such as becoming a Seal impersonator, starting a magazine devoted entirely to pictures of caterpillars, and trying to become a pterodactyl) as there is no stopping the crazy. So in any case, we made the trip.
When we arrived at TLC’s headquarters, the woman at the front desk seemed a bit confused as no one had ever made a request to tour the place, but eventually we were allowed inside when they recognized me as a former Congressman from Illinois. With free use of the Pony Express for life and a guarantee of office space in Springfield whenever I request it, being a former Congressman sure has its perks!
Anyways, we walked around the building for awhile and passed the places where they work on such culturally defining shows such as Police Women of Browerd County and Toddlers & Tiaras. Mary Todd was enjoying herself immensely (she even went into an epileptic fit from the extreme joy she was experiencing! This is pretty normal for her, no need to take worry) so at the very least I felt good about that.
After about an hour of touring, Mary Todd decided that if she did not get a Mountain Cooler Capri Sun pack (the drink with four fruity, wholesome flavors moms can feel good about) in the next five minutes she was going to literally die. So she darted away at full speed presumably to find a vending machine and left the tour guide and me alone with each other.
This is the last thing I remember before blacking out.
This is the beginning of a sex dream Mary Todd once had
This is the beginning of a sex dream Mary Todd once had
I woke up in a rather small cage in what appeared to be some sort of laboratory in an underground basement of the TLC headquarters. Although it appeared like I was alone just as I was waking up, a few moments after regaining consciousness a swarm of people in ancient tribal attire swept into the room and dragged me out of my cage and into another room nearby.
The new room was also almost completely empty except for a throne made out of bones and a woman with blond hair who was lounging on top of the tribal chair. After standing in front of the woman for a few minutes with the people dressed in tribal attire, she finally spoke and introduced herself as Kate Gosselin.
The entire group of people dressed in tribal attire then lined up in front of Kate and allowed her to remove their hearts Mayan style one at a time.
Kate- “They aren’t worthy to hear my name, and as you will see in a moment, we have plenty of spares.”
She then rang a small bell and another identical looking group of people dressed in tribal attire appeared and began dragging me out of the room. But before we had reached the door Kate stopped us.
Kate- “Oh and by the way…Kate Gosselin.”
And so the previous Mayan-esque events happened again and she called in another identical looking group to finish dragging me out.
I ended up being placed on a chair facing a corner of the room which was mostly bare and unnaturally white just like the other two rooms, with the exception that the words “Our American Cousin” were written upon the corner in blood, and was left to wait. Eventually a woman in a pants-suit came into the room and introduced herself as the woman who runs the show previously named Jon & Kate Plus Eight.
She explained to me that I would be playing Kate’s new husband in the re-named show Lincoln & Kate Plus Eight, and that if I refused I would be forced to “give Kate another eight.”
After quickly asking if there was an option that involved death and being told that there was not, I saw that I had no choice but to agree to replace “Jon.”
The lady in the pants-suit then smiled a Nurse Ratched sort of smile and told me I needed to perform an act of initiation. She then walked out of my view and came back dragging a very attractive man in a well-brimmed top hat. The man was left, slumped and facing backward, against the corner of the walls I was facing.
Lady- “This is your clone, Mr. Lincoln. He looks exactly like you except for one glaring detail.”
The lady then walked back over to where I was sitting and handed me a Philadelphia Derringer pistol.
Lady- (whispering in my ear) “Let go of David Webb. Will you give yourself to this program?
Lincoln- “What? Who’s David Webb?”
Lady: “I know. I know.”
She could tell I was still very reluctant to shoot the clone of myself in the back of the head so she left the room once again, but returned this time with Kate, who was being carried while sitting on her throne of bones by another set of tribal attire wearing people.
Kate Gosselin: “I think it’s time to fill me up again.”*
After shuttering off that mental image I came to the conclusion that I was going to have to shoot this clone.
The two women could see the resolve that had finally entered my eyes and backed off. I stood up quickly and aimed the gun for the back of the clone’s head.
The room was filled with noise.
However, instead of coming from the barrel of the pistol in my hand, the source of the sudden volume increase came from the wall behind us. Mary Todd had just jumped through the wall.
Mary Todd: “I got the Capri Sun, let’s get out of here!”
Lincoln: “They’re not going to just let us leave.”
Mary Todd: “You have a gun in your hand.”
Lincoln: “I’m not going to shoot them! You know I wouldn’t even shoot a deer even if it was deering all over the place.”
Mary Todd: “You were about to shoot that clone.”
Lincoln: “Well clones probably don’t even have souls.”
Mary Todd: “Fine. Fine. I’ll squirt this Capri Sun in their eyes and they’ll be too distracted to follow us.”
Kate: “We’re right here. We can hear every word you are saying. All we have to do now is cover our eyes and we’ll be immune to your plan.”
And so Kate and the lady covered their eyes, and we walked out unnoticed.
Once outside TLC’s headquarters the fact that Mary Todd, the wife I make fun of constantly for being crazy, had just calmly barged into a highly dangerous situation and courageously saved my body from being used to give Kate babies really set in.
Lincoln- “Mary Todd that was incredible! How did you break through that wall to get into the room? It looked like it was made out of cement!”
Mary Todd- “I guess love breaks through all boundaries.”
I started to think that perhaps the crazy Mary Todd has been all along, has just been crazy in love.
But then she started trying to become a pterodactyl again, and everything was back to normal.**
What Would Mary Todd Pretending To Be Jesus Pretending To Be A Pterodactyl Do?
Kate Gosselin is so uncool.
*I am so sorry, reader! That statement is awful, and gross, and crass, but it is what she said. I am just trying to be as accurate as possible.
**Except for the fact that now I have to live everyday knowing that somewhere out there, a clone of myself exists just as I do. I just hope he has a better fate in front of him than replacing me on the most anticipated show of the Fall season, Lincoln & Kate Plus 8.
Kate Gosselin Goes On A Date With Topher Grace, submitted by Iggy
Kate Gosselin opens up her MacBook Air and logs on to http://wealthyloves.bravehost.com. She had been putting off creating a profile for a while now as she feels she has been ‘unlucky in love’ of late. She is both a celebrity AND a millionaire, she can practically hear the boxes being ticked off. She thinks “I deserve this”. She decides what to write on her profile;
Name: Katy Gosselin
Age: Thirty-something (did you not jus luv that show, LOL)
Sex: Not usually into BDSM but I’m open minded.
Tell us about yourself: I enjoy being in the limelight. I was born to be a star, it’s unfortunate that I ruined my vagina in the process of becoming a star. I may have had sextuplets but that doesn’t mean we can’t be a sexCUPLET, LMAO. I have an ex-husband called Jon who I think is Korean or Indonesian? (IF YOU ARE READING THIS JON, GIVE ME MY MONEY! AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT A SUCCUBUS IS BUT I AM NOT ONE!) Anyhoo, I have a MY OWN show called ‘Kate Plus 8′. Give me a message if you want a good time. xxxxx
She uploaded a sexy picture with her best hairdo on show. It was now a waiting game.
Days passed and all she had were a few replies, none of which were from suitable candidates, Steven Seagal and Chow Yun Fat are not her type.
On the fifth day she recieved a message from a handsome young thespian named Topher Grace. They instantly began messaging. The flirting got serious when Topher revealed to Kate that his real name was, infact, Christopher. She knew she had to act via MSN Instant Messanger.
Kate Thanx 4 making me a fighta says: Wot do we do nw?
Graceland says: I dunno, my schedule isnt v busy at the moment, bn mostly watchin reruns of T70S
Kate Thanx 4 making me a fighta says: T70S?!
Graceland says: That 70s Show
Kate Thanx 4 making me a fighta says: Erm, ok. LOL
Graceland says: Fancy going to a Kings of Leon gig?
Kate Thanx 4 making me a fighta says: Hellz yeah!
Graceland says: I’ll pick u up tomoz at 8?
Kate Thanx 4 making me a fighta says: OKAY
Graceland may not reply as he appears to be offline.
Kate was so nervous, going on a date with an A-list celebrity, one of the most famous men in the world AND going to see her favorite band in the same night? She made all eight of her children pinch her (she later realized this was a stupid idea as they later learnt how to break the skin). She was not dreaming! She called her babysitter Roman Polanski, but he was not available. So she had to get Corey Feldman instead.
Topher picked her up on his motorcycle complete with side car. “What a bad ass”, Kate thought. She was smitten.
They got into the gig and to their suprise Topher’s good friend Dax Shepard was the support act, doing a spoken word piece of one of his childrens books ‘Dax and the Bees Wax’.
As Kings of Leon took to the stage, Topher held Kate tenderly from behind. She had never felt so in love. She turned round and passionately kissed Topher. It was magical.
As the band did their fourth encore (also their fourth rendition of ‘Sex on Fire’) Topher went to get Kate a Jagerbomb from the bar. She stood there thinking of how she should make love to Topher tonight. However, when Topher came back he was all bloodied up and had a black eye.
“What happened Topher?!!”
“Why don’t you ask your ex-husband?!” Kate sighed, she couldn’t believe Jon’s jealously.
“Where is he?”
“Over there wearing the Ed Hardy tiara”
Kate marched up to Jon, he was with his new girlfriend Katherine Heigl, they had also met on wealthyloves. She threw her Jagerbomb over Jon. Jon was about to retaliate when Topher stepped in.
“Kate, it’s not worth it. He’s a nobody, I’m Topher Grace”. Topher lifted Kate up and walked to his motorcycle.
When they got to Topher’s house, Kate couldn’t wait to get to go to bed with him. She noticed that his house indentically replicated the Forman’s house from T70S. “Wait there tiger”, winked Topher. Kate was anxious. What was Topher doing?!
Topher appeared in a full Venom suit. “They’re making a Venom film you know.” He looked stunning. “Oh, I know”, Kate said, before pouncing on Topher with her giant vagina.
Kate Gosselin Tries To Comment On Videogum.com, submitted by Joseph
Kate Gosselin logged onto her computer. After a whirlwind media tour, she finally had time to relax. Breathing a sigh of relief as she sank down into her seat, finally done with her tormenting schedule of interviews and sympathetic hugs from talk show hosts. Screw the kids, this was mommy’s time. They could feed themselves with the hundred thousand dollars she took out of the bank, order a pizza or something.
Doing her hourly self-Google (“when you’re making money off being mentioned anywhere”, she thought to herself, “you need to make sure it happens”), Kate paused at one of the results. Videogum.com, the link read. The title was too long to actually fit into the address bar, but it looked something along the lines of “Kate Gosselin is a great, loving mother. (Kate Gosselin is not a great, loving mother.)”
“Someone’s insulting me? On the Internet? But I’m famous, and Jon did everything wrong, not me! It’s hard being a single mother, this is my relaxation time!” Kate clicked on the link, and read the article that came with it. It was a snarkily written satire of her latest interview with tons of sarcasm. Kate Gosselin knew that sarcasm was the refuge of the hilarious (Kate Gosselin loved this expression and used it all the time) so she decided that Gabe Delahaye, the author, was worth sending an email. She sent his email a thank-you note, but she could never figure out how to send an email so she just wrote it in a Word document and saved it. When you’re a single mother, it’s the thought that counts.
Kate Gosselin decided to make an account on the website so she could talk to other people. “Hmm, as a single mother, I know that life is hard, and people are mean, so I’m not going to be myself. I’ll be KateGozzlen.” She registered an account using her email, email@example.com.
Kate Gosselin, or KateGozzlen as she was now known, made a comment on the article. “Kate Gosselin is a good and nice woman. She definitely is not mean or throwing her children into a cash cow situation. You’re all jerks for being mean. You’re no better than Jon.” Smirking, Kate clicked “Submit”. However, the website didn’t immediately respond, so she clicked “Submit” three more times. “Being a single mother is hard,” she thought, “websites work less for me.”
After a bubble bath in her children’s tears, and drying herself off by rolling in a pile of money TLC dropped off, Kate went back to the computer. She clicked on the article again to see her comment. “WHAT?” she yelled. “I AM A SINGLE MOTHER BUT MY COMMENT IS TWENTY THREE VOTES DOWNVOTED! THAT’S ILLEGAL.”
Indeed, the rest of Videogum.com disagreed with her points. One commenter wrote a very good rebuttal but their comment was randomly CAPITALIZED, so KATE had trouble reading IT so she stopped HALFWAY through. Another commented posted that she should relax and called her a “technojeremy”. This also confused Kate Gosselin. A third comment told Gosselin to “TalbainJ harder”. “Single mothers don’t need to understand in-jokes,” Kate Gosselin said. She suddenly remembered she had another interview with Dr. Phil where the producers were giving her money, so she logged off the computer, ordered three bubblegum pizzas for her children, and left them unattended while she took a private jet to Texas.
Kate Is Enough, submitted by Lauren
Kate Gosselin was exhausted. So, so exhausted. It was 10:30 AM, and she had already been awake for 15 minutes. In the distance she could hear her children laughing and playing somewhere on their 20 acre lot. Today the cameras were filming them playing with their new free $10,000 playhouses, because TLC doesn’t care about recessions.
Kate grew more tired as she walked through her 5,000 square foot mansion, paid for by her children’s adorableness, and wondered why the TLC-supplied nanny couldn’t keep those kids quiet. The sound was giving her a headache. Ugh. Kate screwed up her face because getting a headache wore her out.
So instead Kate thought about how her life was so hard. Nobody, especially her stupid husband, cared that her life was hard or ever asked her if there was anything they could do to help. If only they’d ask, she wouldn’t have to yell so much! Yelling was hard and exhausting. And nobody cared that society had invented the fertility drugs that made her have eight children! Didn’t everyone know how exhausted having eight kids makes you? Society got Kate into this mess, and society needed to help her pay for it. Society. God!
Kate was so disoriented from only getting ten full hours of sleep that she didn’t know what time it was. She figured it must be around lunchtime. She went into the kitchen and tiredly began assembling organic food from the TLC craft services table onto paper plates. She laid out six grapes and three tortilla chips for each kid.
“Every day is the same. I cook a meal. I clean up a meal. Then I start all over. And nobody helps me,” Kate complained to the camera that was following her around the house. “Hang on,” the sound guy said. “We’ve got too much background noise.” One of the producers went into the next room and asked the two elderly ladies from the Gosselin’s church, who volunteered to help Kate with her chores, if they could fold the children’s laundry somewhere else. The two old women, hands crippled from arthritis, picked up the laundry baskets and carried them to the second floor. It took them three trips. Kate rolled her eyes.
There is only one thing that could make this day better, Kate thought as she looked out the kitchen window and saw her eight smiling, beautiful, miraculously healthy and normal twins and sextuplets skipping happily towards the house to find their mother and show her the gifts they’d lovingly worked on all morning. A spa day! Kate’s eyes lit up at the thought, and for a second she forgot how fatigued she was. But then she remembered she had spent all of yesterday at the spa, and had already gotten a manicure, pedicure, a spray tan, and more highlights. Kate went back to being totally worn out, but didn’t think about how she should probably get herself checked for anemia or something.
The kids ran up to the backdoor and started to come inside. Kate saw that they were covered in dirt and fingerpaint, and put her arm across the doorway to block them from entering the house She screeched, “You kids are so messy! I hate messes! You’re so gross! Don’t come near me until you’re all cleaned up!” She slammed the door shut right in Aidan’s face, which ruined his artwork and pushed his cute little glasses up into his forehead. It hurt, but he had been taught that he was a boy, and crying was for girls.
Kate turned and sighed into the camera, “Now I have to spend all day scrubbing stains out of eight outfits! You have no idea how hard that is with eight kids and no help. It takes hours! The ladies watching know what I’m talking about.” In the background, the TLC babysitter used a damp washcloth to clean the paint and mud off of each child, changed their outfits, pretreated their soiled clothes with Spray ‘N Wash, and threw them in the washing machine. It took, like, 20 whole minutes maybe.
While the babysitter fed her children lunch, Kate and the camera crew headed out into the yard and Kate explained what they would be doing that day. “Now that Jon has abandoned me and my children,” Kate narrated, “I have so much extra work to do, and it’s exhausting. Now in addition to my normal work, I have to do the man chores too because there isn’t a man to do them. But if I don’t step up and learn how to do things like grill and set up a tent, even though I’m just a woman, my children will be deprived.” As she said this, the camera panned across the yard, showing the abundance of free toys from sponsors and the brand new bikes given to the sextuplets by the Ellen show.
Kate told the cameras that today they would be planting a vegetable garden with some famous vegetable garden expert from HGTV. “I like the kids to have normal experiences like everyone else,” Kate explained as the kids came outside dressed in matching vegetable themed outfits. Then six production assistants started to empty out bags of soil and fertilizer into the garden. Collin tried to help, but Kate slapped his hand away. “Too messy!” She yelled.
Then Kate started to feel a little woozy from having worked so hard all day and being exhausted. She sat down and snapped her fingers and a TLC assistant brought her a roast beef sandwich. Mady came over and said, “Mommy, I’m still hungry. Our lunch didn’t include any protein.” But Kate didn’t notice her daughter. She was thinking about how she deserved a nice long bubble bath after such an exhausting day and took a nice big bite of her meaty sandwich. Mady sighed and walked away, thinking that the expense of therapy for eight children, as well as eight teenagers simultaneously going through puberty, was probably punishment enough.
After a long day of watching TLC staff members planting organic tomatoes, lettuce, and zucchini, Kate was too exhausted to make dinner or get her kids ready for bed. Why had she been cursed with all these children and no one to help her? The TLC babysitter had already left with the camera crews, so Kate called a random person in her phone’s contacts list and said she was so exhausted from raising eight children all on her own, and could they bring over some dinner and help get the kids ready for bed? “But it’s a 45 minute drive,” the TGIFriday’s employee started to say, “and we don’t deliver.” But Kate had already hung up though. Kate then yelled at Mady and Cara to watch the sextuplets until dinner arrived, and stumbled upstairs to bed, delirious from exhaustion.
“And don’t forget to use a coupon!” Kate called out, as she climbed the stairs, to no one in particular.
Kate Gosselin and Paula Deen Brainstorm Ideas for their Talk show, submitted by Dan
Kate Gosselin stared hard across the table at Paula Deen, who smiled like she was in some kind of pageant. The air was thick with tension and also Paula’s Gloria Vanderbilt perfume that she bought at Wal-Mart for $25. Sticks of butter were scattered across the table top: Challenge, Danish Creamery, Lucerne and Land O’ Lakes. Paula’s favorite was Challenge, as evidenced by the empty wrappers she tried to hide in her cleavage (a tiny red deer peaked out between her bosoms).
“What’s wrong Kate? I thought y’all’d like my ideas.” Paula said, her Southern accent accidentally making her sound stupid.
“I do like your ideas Paula,” Kate said, smoothing down her bangs and fluffing up the back of her hair. “But why do they all have to involve butter?” Kate rolled her eyes a lot for emphasis.
“What’s wrong with butta, girlfriend? Butta is the reason why I’m famous.”
Kate rolled her eyes again and for a minute they almost got stuck. “Well, we can’t talk about butter the whole time–this is a talk show for moms by moms about moms moms moms. Not butter!”
Kate didn’t notice that while she was talking her daughter Alexis had wandered into the kitchen.
“Mommy,” Alexis said, her eyes wet with tears, “I got gum in my hair and it won’t come out!”
“That’s nice sweetheart, now go play.” Kate said, gently pushing Alexis’s shoulder until she left. Kate rolled her eyes. “Jeez louise!” she cried, throwing up her hands.
Paula discreetly nudged a stick of butter off the table onto her lap and unwrapped it with the deft fingers of a magician. “Hey y’all, is that Collin outside smoking a cigar?” she asked, looking out the sliding door. When Kate turned to look, Paula shoved the entire stick in her mouth and swallowed it in one gulp.
“Goddammit,” Kate said when she saw that Collin was indeed outside smoking a cigar. “I told that kid a thousand times cigars are bad. See Paula, now that’s a good topic for our talk show. “Smoking is bad for your kids.” That is definitely something modern moms need to know about.”
Paula nodded with enthusiasm. “And if smoking is bad for them, then butta is good!” she chuckled heartily as Kate got out a Lisa Frank notebook she took out of the twin’s room. It had two dolphins kissing in a psychedelic ocean background with a bunch of tiny hearts that formed one big heart around them. She opened it to a page where she had written “Talk Show Ideas” with one of twin’s pink glitter gel pens. She already had: “A mother’s intuition: Your husband and the babysitter,” “Juggling tabloids, your TLC show and 8 kids,” and “How to wear a pink cowboy hat and still look hawt.” She added her smoking idea and “BUTTER” at the very end for Paula.
“There,” she said, proud of herself, “that’s just one more great idea.” Two sharp cracking noises came from the front of the house, followed by a loud, desperate wail. “WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE?” Kate hollered. She turned around in her chair but didn’t get up. “YOU HAVE THREE MINUTES TO PUT ON A MOVIE AND BE QUIET OR I’M COMING IN THERE!” Kate had no intention of going anywhere. She turned to Paula, whose cheeks were bulging, and said, “Where were we?”
Paula was about to reply when Aaden wandered in, his little hands held out in front of him to feel his way. “Mom, I can’t see!” he cried. “Hannah took my glasses and smashed them with a hammer!”
“Did you not hear what I just said?” Kate said. She got up and turned Aaden around so he was aimed at the door. “Just because you have a disability, doesn’t mean you get special treatment. Now go watch the movie with everyone else.”
“But I don’t like Without a Paddle!” he sobbed.
“I. Don’t. Care. Now go.” She waited for Aaden to stumble out of the kitchen (he ran into the fridge on the way) and then sighed really loudly and rolled her eyes so many times she almost had a seizure. When she sat back down Paula’s cheeks weren’t bulging anymore and half the sticks of butter were gone.
“There’s something on your lip.” Kate said, looking at a glob of yellow sludge on Paula’s lower lip.
Paula wiped it off and looked at it. “Oh, that’s just…” she hesitated, her brain working really hard, “Carmex! Yeah, just mah Carmex.” She took the glob and rubbed it all over her lips slowly; her eyes fluttered and she moaned deeply. She stuck her fingers in her mouth and sucked all the ‘Carmex’ off and then pageant smiled again.
Kate was about to bring up her idea to have a segment that teaches moms how to pack for their trip to visit Oprah when Joel ran in with a black eye and an ice pick in his hand. He opened his mouth to speak but Kate shushed him. “Not now Joel, I’m busy.”
Joel waved the ice pick in the air. “But Mom-”
“I said not now! Go watch your movie!”
Joel sighed and ran out of the kitchen yelling, “If you don’t stop it Leah, I’m going to stab your eye out!”
Paula chuckled and said, “I just don’t know how you do it! It must be so hard for y’all having so many kids and no husband, and still be able to manage. Y’all.”
Kate shrugged. “It’s a gift.”
Well with my kids-”
Then the sound of a chainsaw came from the front of the house, so Kate turned around in the middle of Paula’s sentence and yelled, “I DON’T REMEMBER ANY CHAINSAWS IN WITHOUT A PADDLE! YOU HAVE FIVE SECONDS TO CUT IT OUT OR YOU’LL BE SORRY!” But they did not cut it out because no one could hear Kate yelling over a fucking chainsaw. So she got up and stomped out of the kitchen, leaving Paula alone at the table.
Five minutes later, after a lot of screaming and chainsaw noises, Kate returned, exhausted. “Those little devils have finally gone down for a nap.” She slumped in the chair and shoved the Lisa Frank notebook aside.
“Is everything alright, sweetheart?” Paula asked.
Kate looked at the table and noticed something was different. “What happened to all the butter?” she asked.
Paula raised her eyebrows and looked around as if Kate must be talking to someone else and then she said, “What butta?” and smiled.
Untitled Entry, submitted by Sarah
Kate Gosselin stared straight ahead at the hospital wall in front of her. The day before she had given birth to six living human children. She was exhausted and a little bit shell-shocked. Now it was really real. Her life would never be the same.
She worried about the twins, Pocahontas and Sacagawea. How would they adjust? Would they still get enough attention? And what about her loving relationship with her sweet husband, Jon? Could they possibly survive the ordeal of raising EIGHT HUMAN CHILDREN?
Luckily, Jon had thoughtfully optioned off their lives as newly overwhelmed parents to TLC, and all their trials and tribulations would be aired on national television. Clearly this would make things so much easier and also fun! Literally a fool-proof plan. She smiled and mentally blew Jon a little kiss.
Kate’s hair squirmed uneasily. It had an odd premonition suddenly, a dark feeling in its waters…
There was a light knock on the door and Jon came in with the twins, Riff and Raff. They gave Kate a big hug and Jon kissed her warmly.
“We brought you a little lunch,” he said, handing her a big white bag. “We know how you hate hospital food.”
Kate opened the bag and removed the container of still-warm cygnet hearts. Yum! Her very favorite! She tore the lid off the container and immediately began devouring the scarlet little delicacies with her bare hands. Jon and the twins, Thing One and Thing Two, looked on fondly.
“Why don’t you give Mommy her present,” Jon suggested once Kate seemed to be finished devouring her little treat. He winked at Kate. “The girls wanted you to have this.”
The twins, Simon and Garfunkel came over and handed Kate a small present, obviously wrapped by children. Kate tore through the excessive wrapping paper in an instant. Her razor-sharp finger nails….what? Uh.
Inside the box was a beautiful diamond snowflake pendant. It had eight sides or whatever you’d call them, to symbolize her eight human children.
“Oh Jon, you shouldn’t have!” said Kate, knowing that it must have been so expensive.
“Don’t you worry,” he said, smiling confidently. “It’s CZ.”
Kate laughed appreciatively. Somewhere in the wilds of Australia, a gentle koala suddenly fell dead from its eucalyptus tree. No connection, probably.
Untitled Entry, submitted by Julie
Halloween was coming up and Kate Gosselin was super excited: not only did she have a great costume idea, but her kids’ school was having a Halloween Festival…and you know wha that means: great photo opportunites for the tabloids! This year, they wanted to do something “family-oriented.” Sure, dressing their eight young children up as Peeps(TM) last year was okay, but when one of the Oktuplets (C) was snatched up by a hawk, replacing him (or her?) without the audience noticing was a total nightmare! At least this time, Kate would be able to keep an eye* on her precious young things.
The idea was brilliant: the charmen of PepsiCo (C) had agreed on a costume that was simultaneously comforting and titilating, showing off Kate’s newfound singularity and the core theme of the show: familial cohesiveness. Kate was so amped for showing up at her childrens’ school the next day, she didn’t even mind the 3AM wakeup call for makeup, even though it meant her children needed their coffee earlier than usual. Showbusiness!
When her chauffeur pulled the Minivan up to school the next day, Kate could hardly keep from pushing all of her eight childred out of the moving vehicle to show off her costume–she was so excited! Thank god for childproof locks! Finally, it was time. The red carpet-like cement was stretched out before her and it was finally Kate’s turn to show herself off as the hot, single, birther-of-eight-children, she was!
Isn’t is so weird how it feels like just yesterday you were in high school? And sure, things have changed A LOT since then (30 years!), but god damn if I don’t look just as good as I did at 17!! Even after birthing twins and then six children at the same time! And with this costume I will get so much: pictures in the best magazines, ass, and candy. Not necessarily in that order.
* tentacle! Get it???
Kate Gosselin Goes on Nancy Grace, submitted by Kerry
Kate Gosselin’s publicist was busily attaching a microphone pack to Kate’s stylish acid-washed mom jeans. He was shaking his head silently, and when he finished, he patted Kate Gosselin briefly on both shoulders, looked into her eyes, and said, “This is your last chance to get out of this. Are you sure you want to do this?”
Kate Gosselin gave him a look that singed off his eyebrows. “Listen, Craig,” she spat, fingering her bristly hair spikes to make sure they were pointing heavenward at a perfect 90 degree angle from her head. “I am ready. I canceled the twins’ birthday party at Disneyworld for this. I am going to do this. Get out of my way, or so help me, I will gouge your eyes out with THESE!” She gestured wildly to the spikes.
He took a deep breath and reluctantly stepped out of her way. He had seen her dislocate human eyeballs with the flick of her scowling head and did not want to be on the receiving end today. As the production assistant waved Kate Gosselin onstage to Nancy Grace’s show’s set, he felt his stomach sink.
Greg (his name was not Craig but Kate Gosselin didn’t listen the many times he tried to correct her) had received a very angry call from Kate last week. Well, it wasn’t “very angry” so much as it was “burning with the ballhair-scorching white-hot rage of a billion castrating suns.” It had been from Kate as she watched Jon Gosselin on Nancy Grace’s talk show. When Greg answered, Kate was already mid-scream.
“–N’T KNOW WHY YOUR SORRY RUMP, YOU KNOW, YOUR ASS, THAT I PAY YOU FOR, YOU KNOW! [angry scoff noise] MONEY! LOTS OF IT, AND CRAIG, YOU ARE A NICE GUY, BUT [angry scoff noise] [angry scoff noise] [spittle noise]!”
“Kate?” he said. “What’s the matter?”
“[spittle scoff spittle] ARE YOU WATCHING CNN RIGHT NOW, CRAIG?!”
“No, Kate, please calm down. I am having dinner with my family.”
“I AM GOING TO LIGHT YOUR FAMILY ON FIRE IF YOU DON’T GET ME ON NANCY GRACE! JON IS ON NANCY GRACE RIGHT NOW AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY, WITH ALL OF THE OTHER FIFTY MILLION TALK SHOWS I HAVE DONE AND TABLOID COVERS I HAVE GRACED AND CHILDREN I HAVE NEGLECTED, HAVE I NOT BEEN INVITED TO NANCY GRACE?!”
His bluetooth was literally melting into his ear and his five-year-old daughter began to cry when she smelled her daddy’s burning ear flesh.
“Kate,” he said in a lowered voice, excusing himself from the table and trying to wipe the melting plastic from his ear crevices. “You know why you can’t go on Nancy Grace.”
“I. DON’T. CARE. I AM KATE GOSSELIN! KATE! GOSSELIN! I WILL BE ON EVERY SINGLE TELEVISION TALK SHOW THAT LETS ME EXPLOIT MY FAMILY AND MISERABLE HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS AND HORRIBLE PERSONALITYAND WILL FLY ME OUT IN BUSINESS CLASS! DON’T YOU KNOW JON AND I ARE IN DIRECT COMPETITION NOW TO SEE WHO CAN MAKE THE WORLD PAY ATTENTION TO US AND OUR PETTY PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF THE WELFARE OF OUR MANY YOUNG CHILDREN? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT, CRAIG?! [spittle spittle huff]!”
He tried in vain to get her to listen, but she would only answer him in scoffs and “HUH?”s and “GAH!”s and he knew she was making faces into the TLC cameras filming her on the other end. He shook his head sadly, told her he would do what he could, and hung up while she was still making huffy noises.
Later, his wife went to bring him a glass of whiskey as he sat alone in his study, banging his head on his desk. “Was that Kate calling you at dinner?” she asked wearily. “What does she want this time? Her own line of baby placenta hair pomade with her face on the can?”
“No,” said Greg slowly, facedown into his desk. “She wants to be on Nancy Grace.”
His wife dropped the glass of whiskey but did not seem to notice it shattering and splashing on the hardwood floor. She clutched at her chest. “No,” she whispered. “Dear God, no.”
“She won’t take no for an answer. I tried. I tried so hard.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I’ve already spoken with Nancy Grace’s people and they’ll have her on next week.”
“No!” said his wife, her voice raising to a tense shriek.
“She won’t listen to reason! We’ve been lucky so far that she hasn’t thought of Nancy Grace’s show, but now she has her sights trained on it, and she’s going to be on Nancy Grace.” He paused. “Kate Gosselin… is going to meet Nancy Grace… and they are going to talk… and be in each other’s presence.”
“But doesn’t she care about what will happen to all of us? To the world?” asked his wife. “Doesn’t she know that the meeting of the universe’s two biggest cuntwads might erase the entire planet’s supply of testicles? Or create a black hole of inescapable cuntiness with a cuntitational pull from which the Earth cannot escape? Or worse?!”
Greg had shaken his head sadly, slouched deeply into his chair, and burst into uncontrollable tears. His wife held him and they had rocked together the whole night through, sobbing at the fate of the world that hinged upon the moment that Kate Gosselin and Nancy Grace were to meet.
Since that night, Greg had hoped dearly that one of the other parties involved in the logistics of getting Kate Gosselin on the show would realize what was going to happen. He pleaded with Nancy Grace’s people in low tones, but no one wanted to listen. They thought he was crazy. “Jon is at least as big of a cunt as Kate is,” one producer had assured him, “maybe even bigger! And nothing happened when he was on the show last week.”
“No, no! Jon is the universe’s biggest juvenile asshole douchebag!” Greg had told the producer. “There is an enormous difference. They’re equally insufferable, selfish, negligent, and famewhoring, but cunts’ DNA makes cunts fundamentally opposed to each other. When they’re brought together, there are disastrous problems. Usually, there’s just an argument, or a catfight, or someone gets gutted with a nail file, but when two really, really, really super duper big cunts get together, it can be catastrophic. Life ending. Civilization ending. World ending. Universe ending!”
But the producer didn’t listen. Nancy Grace didn’t listen. Kate Gosselin didn’t listen. So when Kate strolled out onto Nancy Grace’s soundstage at 3 pm on October 15, 2009, Greg threw up in his mouth a little. He had kissed his wife goodbye extra long that morning and given his daughter a big bear hug as he dropped her off at school. As Kate Gosselin waved to the non-existent studio audience, baring her uber-straight teeth and waving to the cameras, Greg began to reflect upon his life.
What have I really done with my time on this planet? he asked himself silently, watching as Nancy Grace sullenly awaited Kate at the long desk. Nancy was giving Kate the YAH RIGHT evil eye as Kate continued mugging to the cameras. What has my life been about? Did I tell my wife I loved her enough? Did I tell my parents I appreciated all they’ve done for me? Have I been–
At that moment, Kate Gosselin and Nancy Grace shook hands and gave each other the “GAH? WAT?” googly-eye face, and Greg stopped thinking. The world stopped thinking. The universe went out in a blink as it collapsed in on itself into a singularity that simultaneously weighed an infinite amount of tonnage and nothing at all. Because Kate Gosselin and Nancy Grace are stupid cunts that people spend actual moments of their lives thinking about and caring about and watching instead of living their lives. Also Jon Gosselin and Ed Hardy.
Untitled Entry, submitted by Alistair
["I lust for you Andy Cohen!!" said Kate Gosselin, slowly rubbing her ample bosoms with her gentle-yet-work-hardened hands. "I will do anything for you. Just call me your sexy momma!!!!"
"Do whatever feels hot," replied Andy with a cocky, confident smile that revealed his dazzling white dental wonders. He leaned back in his velvet chair, his posture revealing the long, strong lines of his body, while his tight Armani trouser-pants could not hide the bulge of his massive and proud male member. "I'm afraid I prefer men, but I still like to Watch What Happens!" he said, his voice husky and his breathing (and OTHER bodily functions!) hard.
Kate had never felt so sensuous in her life!!!#! She turned to Bethenny from Real Housewifes of New York, and started stroking her athletic, spicy body. "I'll be your Skinny Girl!!" she told the stunning brunette, and grabbed her throat in a passionate embrace that pulled their mouths together, tongues entwined as liquid drops of fire travelled between their mouths. Bethenny thrust her fingers into Kates spiky, blonde hair and thought that maybe the carpets matched the...]
Kate Gosselin blinked.
It had been a busy day, what with the visit to the set of Good Eats for a crossover episode of Kate Plus 8, and then helping prepare food for 8 different children with surprisingly varied tastes (and allergies!). Luckily her maid, Maria, was watching the children now. This gave Kate time to relax (for once!) and surf the web. Unfortunately, much as she had been hoping to take a break from the increasingly stressful drama that had been dominating her life lately, she hadn’t been able to resist the urge to Google herself.
She had laughed a little when she found a clip of Jon’s on-air battle with Headline News’ Nancy Grace, and groaned at attention-starved Kathy Griffin’s impression of her, but the endless links to sites that bashed either her personal choices or her parenting style had thrown a dark shadow over her mood that she had not found easy to dispel. Looking for something to cheer her up, she had done the Google-suggested search for “jon and kate fan fiction,’ and gone to the first link that came up in the search results.
Now, having read the first few paragraphs of DeepInNeNe’sA!’s strange imagined story, she felt a little shocked. Sure, she was a famous TV personality whose face was all over the tabloids – and she certainly was looking more ‘hot’ since she hired a stylist and got a little ‘work’ done – but she was the mother of EIGHT kids for Pete’s sake! Still, it was kind of funny to think that someone else imagined her in this way, and the woman in her was actually a little flattered that there were people who believed she could be a vibrant, sexual being, rather than a shrewish, embittered housewife.
Kate finished the story, laughed again, then went back to the search page and clicked on the next link:
["Poopee!" exclaimed Kate Gosselin, climbing out of her bathtub filled with sparkling new CZ's. "Baby made a poopee!"
"Er, yeah mom..." sighed a half-Asian girl (actually more like a quarter-asian girl. Or an eighth? I don't know, but they really seem to play the whole Asian thing up on this show. Multiculturalism!), who at 9 years old was surprised that her mother was still so impressed by her bowel movements, but was also kind of used to the strange way her excrement in a toilet bowel could excite this woman who usually floated her way though the day on a cloud of disinterest and book-tour promotional appearances.
"A lot of people might think it's weird to get excited over...pooping!" Kate Gosselin informed a recently-professionally-reorganized-but-mostly-empty-closet that opened into the gold-and-cocaine tiled master bathroom, "but you know, I feel like I should remember all the landmarks in my children's lives. So I HAD to grab the camera!"
Kate got out of the bathtub, about a pound of CZs falling out of her vagina*, and put on an alpaca robe and a pair of CZ-encrusted sunglasses. She walked out of the bathroom and hopped onto one of Jon's abandoned ATV's, which she rode away down an endless hallway.
"Where's Mommy going," said another child, who had just emerged from his bedroom wearing a XXL-sized Ed Hardy T-Shirt.
"To get the camera..." muttered the 9 year old. She briefly wondered if her mother would attend her upcoming PTA meeting, and fervently hoped that she would not. At least Jon (she called her father 'Jon' now. Because her parents had separated. Because Modern Family) had confirmed that he would not be attending. The last time he had repeatedly slid his phone number, written on the back of a Hair Club for Men informational pamphlet, across the desk to her confused teacher, and leering at her friends' mothers over the tops of his Oakley shades.
Suddenly, Jon Gosselin appeared at the top of the stairs next to the bathroom. He was holding a pitcher of Goldschlager and Red Bull and giving Seth McFarlane a high-five. A young, blond, not-that-hot-actually-but-I-guess-technically-hotter-than-Kate tabloid reporter stood behind them, holding a carton of Marlboro Menthols and sporting a brand new 10 Karat CZ ring.
"I've filed an injunction to stop the crew filming!" yelled Jon at a cameraman who had followed him up the stairs. "From now its about good parenting and the return to the American family! Let's paint, exercise, and $200,000 in a joint bank account together!"
Unfortunately, Kate was missing the whole thing, because she was downstairs calling her best friend Gwyneth Paltrow. "You're right, everyone should have multiples and get a highly-lucrative reality-show" Gwen told her buddy, while typing up a list of rare Edwardian furniture pieces and power-cleanse accessories she wanted her husband to pick up on the way back from his band's show in Paris.
"I'll do anything for me' missus!" said Chris Martin, and jumped into a slightly-used Concorde which he flew off in to France. His wife got off the phone and went to the attic, where she looked at her portrait for the first time since in many, many years, and immediately collapsed to the ground, horrifically aged and also dead.
(The exact same thing happened soon after to both Jon and Kate, and so their kids were raised by someone awesome like...I don't know...Roger Ebert? And then the 8 children became a flotilla of glittering Neuvillettes to his voiceless, but agelss de Bergerac (See, they invent a device that can make a person live forever, but it's so expensive that they can only build ONE, and they're like, "Let's get everyone in the world to vote on who gets it," and every one's like "DUH AFFICIANADO! Roger Ebert!" And after they give it to him, they realize they can also use a far cheaper version of the same technology to build a time-machine, so they do and the Gosselin Ebert twins go back and KILL HITLER!, and they go visit their parents to stop them from doing the TV show but not from dying because, HEY!, Roger Ebert!))
*Get it! She's had 8 kids! Be careful taking your kids to the circus Kate Gosselin, 'cause I'm the ZING-master! THIS guy knows what I'm talking about!: ]
“What the heck?” exclaimed Kate Gosselin, thinking she may be about to lose her mind as she stared at an image of President Carter standing in a field and giving her a ‘thumbs-up,’ underlined by a caption that read “If you are totally illiterate and live on one dollar a day, your chances of globaliZINGtion never come to you.” “What in god’s name was this?! What was this supposed to be about and who was it supposed to be for? Why did this writer go off on so many lengthy asides? Why did he think she led a careless, hedonistic lifestyle when her general unhappiness was broadcast to the world year-round? How did he manage to be at once so self-depreciating and yet so brutally scathing? What on earth did Gwyneth Paltrow have to do with anything? Had she even been in the news recently? And why would her idiot husband ever paint or exercise?
After browsing around the the site the article was posted on, she realized there were dozens of similar parodies – all featuring numerous pop-culture references she did not understand and an abiding loyalty to the theme that most celebrities have child-like levels of intelligence and love cocaine – which were occasionally concluded with an obviously heart-felt and actually quite effectively executed thesis on some relevant aspect of modern culture. She also looked at the comments sections below the articles, which were filled with the writings of people awkwardly trying to emulate the author’s unique style of humor. Many of the comments also had scores, the highest one on that particular day containing an image of a sexually-confused Andy Bernard photo-bombing Charlie Sheen’s hypothetical interview with President Obama.
Suddenly, every electrical device in the room lost power, and Kate found herself sitting in darkness. “The check for the electricity bill must have bounced!” thought Kate, cursing her self-absorbed husband for illegally depleting their bank account, and getting up to try and find a flashlight. Unfortunately, she slipped on a toy-train left on the floor by one of the sextuplets, and fell to the ground, hitting her head hard on the corner of her desk. Her mind went as blank as her powerless computer screen.
“Mommy wake up!” yelled a high-pitched voice, and Kate felt tiny hands tapping on her sides. She opened her eyes and blinked a few times. She had fallen asleep while taking a much-needed break to lie down and check her RSS feed. She had been reading one her favorite sites, Videogum.com, although she still missed Lindsay, and thought Friday Fight was clearly better than Monsters Ball. But, as an intelligent woman who had become a housewife thanks to the unexpected arrival of eight kids, she still enjoyed reading well-written sites like this and talking to people who liked all the same shows and artists that she did, even if they weren’t ‘stuck’ in small-town in Pennsylvania. At least it was more stimulating than having to watch Two and A Half Men with Jon and the kids.
Not that she begrudged Jon his half-hour of mindless fun. Her husband worked hard to enable his family to live a somewhat-comfortable middle-class lifestyle, and thanks to him they had not had to resort to taking that cable-TV network up on their offer (which was would have so clearly threatenedtheir kids’ chance of having a healthy childhood) to pay them to turn their already complicated lives into a contrived reality show. Sure, they had taken the risky route of using experimental fertility drugs, but it was their job to accept the consequences in a responsible manner, not look for an easy fix. So if Jon wanted to laugh at Charlie Sheen once in a while, that was fine by Kate. She might occasionally complain about this and that to her girlfriends, many of whom were successful career women with gorgeous husbands, but she knew they envied Kate the kind of close, equal partnership she had with Jon, even if they didn’t quite understand her physical attraction to the guy.
She followed one of her sextuplets into into the bathroom and looked at his potty. Yep, she smiled ruefully. Of course! Oh, she would be so glad when the kids were a little older and needed less constant attention. Not that she minded spending time with them – in fact it was the best part of her generally agreeable waking hours – but raising eight kids can be exhausting for anyone. Sometimes it felt like a bit of a madhouse, but it was Kate’s life and, all in all, she basically just appreciated the many good things it had brought her (and at least it was saner than that weird dream she had just had. She could kind of accept that people might submit fan fiction to a website in hopes of winning a costume to make them look like a reality-TV personality that they would end up wearing ironically on Halloween, but the idea that people would actually care about whom a prematurely-balding IT analyst was dating or whether a small-town housewife ever smacked her kids’ bottoms when they were naughty was insane. Kate’s world might have been different from most of her neighbors, but it wasn’t THAT far removed from reality).
Jon came home soon after Kate had finished cleaning out the potties, allowing her to get back into bed with her laptop. She scanned a HFTWMOAT post about The Boondock Saints, reconsidered her originally favorable opinion of the film, and then fell asleep once more.
Untitled Entry, submitted by RichGuy
It was 11:57am, as the bartender looked up from cleaning the bar top. He did not want to have to relive the verbal assault he had received 56 minutes and 57 seconds ago when he was a little tardy to the party in getting Kate Gosselin’s drinks. He started lining up another 8 shot glasses to prepare for the Everclear that Kate Gosselin was about to order. Though only one other person was in the whole restaurant, Kate Gosselin could be very demanding about the timing of getting her one drink per kid per hour down the hatch.
Meanwhile, Kate Gosselin was quietly patting herself on the back for her self-awareness since appearing on the all new Jay Leno show. Suddenly, Lady Gaga approached her at the bar.
“Disco stick,” asked Lady Gaga, holding her neon pink Manhattan up in the air.
“No, thanks. I’ve got the kids later tonight. I can only have one drink per kid per hour. Just a little rule I have,” replied Kate Gosselin rather soberly. “I’ve already met my limit for now.” She glanced at the clock. 11:58am. 120 excruciating more seconds to go.
“Paparazzi,” Lady Gaga empathized.
Kate Gosselin was excited that someone of Lady Gaga’s stature would offer to buy her a drink. “I’ve heard so much about you. I really love your music. You seem really self-aware, just like me. In fact, I was just telling the producers of my TLC show, John& Kate Plus Ei8ht, that we should tooootally change the name of our show to John & Kate Plus H8te! Get it? You get it! Because of how my husband and I tooootally hate each other now-a-days. And hey, I am cool enough to appear as a caricature of myself on the all new Jay Leno show, as I’m sure you’ve already seen. So, as you can see, I have demonstrated how I am self-aware, which I understand is a value with the young people of today’s society, because the internet.”
“Pokerface!” cried Lady Gaga, emphatically, as the Saturn rings she was wearing spun up and hit her in the face.
“You’re as right as your performance on Ellen which was not awkward or strange at all, as I’m sure you’re aware!” Suddenly, Kate stopped what she was doing as she noticed it was 12:00:01. “Where’s my Everclear! The : (ness is o’ertaking me,” she demanded. “R-r-right here, ma’am,” stammered the bartender, as Kate Gosselin somehow managed to gather them all up simultaneously and drink them faster than should be humanly possible. “Aaahh. Now, as I was saying” she slurred, “you’re so right. Your music makes me happy enough to pop out more kids than that Octomom. She is soooo money-grubbing, don’t you think? Not like us. We are in it for the love. The love of children and music. Heeey! That gives me an idea. What if I help you write your next song? I am veeeery creative. I’m just saying. You’ve heard the new name for my show, afterall. Plus, I could get some royalties off our song and having eight kids is pretty expensive, you know. It would be charitable of you to agree to my suggestion.”
“Just dance,” nodded Lady Gaga, now dressed in bubbles.
“Well, in coming up with your previous hits, it’s obvious to me that you and your friends just sat around talking about how stupid American consumerism is and came up with a list of random words that, when thrown into a song with a kickin’ beat, will formulaically produce a hit. How about ‘aluminum siding?’ It worked for Steve Martin once.”
“Love game,” said Lady Gaga with a twinkle in her one, non-zipper-covered eye.
“Or, maybe we can use my kids’ names. They are all pretty neato. I just can’t think of them right now. But, I’m sure they will work like a charm.” Suddenly, Kate Gosselin’s hair stood straight up. Something was terribly wrong. Her hair could sense these things. This feeling was similar to the time Michael Jackson died. She knew before all the major media outlets, mostly because of the great satellite reception her hair could receive in HD. “Oh, no,” she sobbed. “2012 is a real thing. Not as in we will all really and truly die in 2012, but as in someone actually produced this movie.”
“Michael Jackson died, for those who don’t know,” replied Lady Gaga as she nodded to the bartender. “DISCOSTICK!”
Thanks again to everyone who entered!