I can’t explain how sad this makes me. I am torn between my skepticism of Carl Saganian progress and my skepticism of peak oil and Malthusian collapse. My greatest regret about not being immortal is that I will never live see if we make it to the stars. When we had a space program, I could put that worry aside, but now I feel like I need to write science fiction and inspire a generation of children all over again, all by myself, and I am made even sadder because I’m not capable of doing that.

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation In Bruges

I submit My Life in Ruins for worst movie of all time.

Here’s the thing: I’m not a usual commenter but I read the site daily (including the comments) and greatly appreciate it and the snippets of gladness and snark it brings to my day.

And, I will always be grateful because the thought of Videogum saved my sanity on a trans-pacific flight where I was forced to watch this god-forgotten void of a film. The bad stats:

1. Nia Vardalos as a tour guide in Greece for a bunch of wacky one-note characters, including a couple of hilarious drunken Australian stereotypes! Re-read that pitch and then try not to be dead.
2. Richard Dreyfuss is a man trying to get over the death of his wife in this wacky wacky comedy.
3. The scruffy bus driver whom she doesn’t get along with turns out to be very very handsome when he shaves. Also, he can stand her!
4. This still undersells how truly terrible this film is. Every moment of it is excrutiating. Every exasperated “These people! They are so wacky!” reaction shot from the bony Nia creature. It is like having knives in your brain that you cannot remove and cannot die from.

I watched this movie at hell o’clock on a sleepless 14-hour flight. Sleepless because this abomination was being projected onto the wall three feet in front of me, filling my field of vision. I could not look away. The hood of my sweater could not block the light. My only solace was the lack of audio, but even through the blessed silence I could still fill in the plot and dialogue. Every contrived and flaccid turn of the contrived and flaccid script shone through in every frame, and there I sat helpless, eyelids pulled open by calipers, Ludwig Van blasting away.

Faced with this, I retreated into my mind, to a safe place: my memories of this very message board. I whispered softly to the charred husk of my subconscious, cradling it and rocking it back and forth, “Wmoat, shh, shh, wmoat. Someone will know, someone will share, shh, shh, wmoat. Wmoat.”

When I awoke I was in my bed, the concerned faces of my family above me. I survived, but I never forgot. Here it is, my private hell offered up for you to share.

This is the worst film I have ever seen. I would watch Transformers 2 five more times before I would even allow the DVD case for this film to rest on my coffee table, and Transformers 2 is a war crime for which Michael Bay should be sentenced and hung. I haven’t seen I Hate Valentines Day, which I know is in a similar vein, but this is worse. I know it. It is worse Gabe. This is the Worst Movie of All Time. I humbly submit that if it is not in consideration then this contest does not deserve its name, despite my appreciation of the proceedings so far.

Save me. Join me.

We’d better find that old gypsy woman and get her to reverse the curse, and fast! Otherwise, you’ll have to give the Peterson presentation tomorrow, and your Dad is going to have to win the dirtbike tournament!

woah oh

If you are going to be my server today, can you bring me a higher love?

please stop telling me lies and getting me pissed