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This is much more effective than that time I tried to use a perch as a seat.

 +4Posted on May 8th, 2012 | re: Other Timely Plot Ideas For Scary Movie 5 (70 comments)

All the homoerotic energy now centers around a sand volleyball court.

 +41Posted on May 8th, 2012 | re: What's The Best Compliment You've Ever Received? (45 comments)

Ed Hardy called my plain white tee-shirt the “ugliest fucking thing I have ever seen.”

 +13Posted on Nov 11th, 2011 | re: Sister Act Lawsuit Is Right On Time (29 comments)

It’s like Peter Cetera says, she’s a hard habit to break.

Scary indeed. The internet is just teeming with liars, it seems.

For the record you guys, that picture that *kinda* looks like someone hastily used Microsoft Paint to stick Angelina Jolie’s lips on Scarlett Johansen’s face and then cropped that on top of Meghan Fox’s really is me!

 +5Posted on Nov 7th, 2011 | re: Heaven Recently Got A Little More Andy Rooney (19 comments)

“Hey Gabriel, it’s been a couple of millenia, maybe you could learn a new song? You know, something more modern, like a Bach flute sonata or a selection from that new Lou Reed / Metallica album that is the rage with the kids these days.” – Andy Rooney in heaven

 +7Posted on Nov 2nd, 2011 | re: James Franco To Star In Harmony Korine Movie (6 comments)

But, is it rap rap?

 +2Posted on Nov 1st, 2011 | re: There Is A World Other Than This One ("Top Gun Babies") (16 comments)

I said to Hollywood, “Where’d he go?” Hollywood says, “Where’d WHO go?” Which is really fair enough given that Hollywood’s eyesight will not be fully developed for another 12 to 16 weeks.

 +13Posted on Oct 27th, 2011 | re: Herman Cain Continues To Kill It In The Campaign Ad Game (30 comments)

Herman Cain?! Damn, I was hoping this was a new Dr. Pepper 10 commercial.

 +11Posted on Oct 26th, 2011 | re: The Petting Zoo: The Week's Top 10 Animal Videos (34 comments)

“I thought you said ‘Rock Out With Your Cock Atop!’ Sorry. No no, that does make more sense, you are right.” – that tortoise

 +11Posted on Oct 26th, 2011 | re: John Hodgman Is The Deranged Millionaire (13 comments)

CRAP! The spec script I am writing for Human Centipede 3 is predicated on the idea of “beginning with Nas and ending with Dick Cavett”. Back to the drawing board!

 +66Posted on Oct 25th, 2011 | re: "Pizza Party" Is The Last Song, We Don't Need Any More Songs, Thanks! (52 comments)

Pitchfork gave Pizza Party a 9.2 and declared it Best New Music. They wrote: Pizza Party, with its homages to the violent guitar riffs of Jem and the Holograms, the dubstep beats of Jesse and the Rippers, and the unapologetic bombast of Sexual Chocolate — exits the void of what we *expect* from Italian food and instead delivers a gaseous, carb-laden, meat pile that any of us would be proud to call home.

 +40Posted on Oct 25th, 2011 | re: Teen Korner: Yo! Ch-ch-check Out ChatAboutJesus.Com (53 comments)

I’d like to chat about Jesus, too. I payed him 20 dollars, like I do every week, but this week the lawn looks MAYBE 1/2 mowed and there are weeds all around my prize-winning hydrangeas.

 +14Posted on Oct 25th, 2011 | re: Print Your Very Own Ron Swanson Halloween Mask (12 comments)

“I’m a slutty cat who *looks* like Ron Swanson! WHY DOES NO ONE GET THAT??” – me on Halloween 2011

 +13Posted on Oct 25th, 2011 | re: Who Is This Dancing World Series "Groundsperson"? (30 comments)

I’m pretty sure that’s the “you are NOT the father” dance – so maybe Maury Povich threw out the first pitch?

Maybe I’m being old fashion, but I prefer to think of him as Ha’Dollar.

 +16Posted on Oct 24th, 2011 | re: What Is Joss Whedon's New Top Secret Mystery Project? (34 comments)

Maybe his movie will explain the intricate differences between snorkeling and scuba diving.

 +24Posted on Oct 21st, 2011 | re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUDGE JUDY! (37 comments)

My favorite Homer Simpsonism ever: Who made you Judge Judy and executioner?

 +11Posted on Oct 21st, 2011 | re: What Bible Stories Should They Make Into Willow And/Or Jaden Smith Movies? (39 comments)

The story of the tower of Babel. Except instead of all the world’s different languages it’s just me speaking English to someone else who also speaks English but who understands the appeal of Willow and / or Jaden Smith.

 +12Posted on Oct 20th, 2011 | re: This Is Your Ashton Kutcher Fangirl Tattoo (48 comments)

In butterfly Sunday schools they reference *this* tattoo as the place you go when you die if you masterbate even once – ever.

 +32Posted on Oct 20th, 2011 | re: Where Does Barack Obama Really Stand On Keeping Up With The Kardashians? (35 comments)

Sorry gang, as of this morning Keeping Up with the Qaddafians has been cancelled.

 +12Posted on Oct 19th, 2011 | re: The Perfect Crime Blotter: Dudes Robbing Like In The Town (21 comments)

SINGLE GENTS: I couldn’t even remember whether it was Sex IN the City or Sex AND the City. I am now accepting boyfriend applicantions – please take a number and form an orderly line starting over there.

 +9Posted on Oct 19th, 2011 | re: The Perfect Crime Blotter: Dudes Robbing Like In The Town (21 comments)

I am suing the production company of The Town because it was less like Sex in the City than I believed it would be based on the name.

 +6Posted on Oct 18th, 2011 | re: Who Is Ms. Cool Blind Item?! (28 comments)

And with that, “ability to act” gets bumped down *another* level in Hollywood’s hierarchy of casting decision-drivers. “Age” takes a nice leap overall but still trails “bankability”, “attractiveness”, “couch skills” (wink!), and “doesn’t throw up when Kevin James kisses her in that one scene” as the leading factors in getting the role of a lifetime.

 +17Posted on Oct 18th, 2011 | re: So, McDonald's TV Is A Real Thing (43 comments)

I think McDonald’s is just trying to cash in on the wildly popular Human Trainwreck show that is already streaming live 24 /7 in all of its restaraunts.