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the hammer is my penis
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 +16Posted on Apr 30th, 2011 | re: Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments (128 comments)

Yay me, indeed. Penis stories are the best kind of stories!

I see the logic of not using euphemisms when talking to kids about genitalia. Better to teach them correctly them to fill their heads with silly nicknames just to make the adults more comfortable, I assume is the logic? Makes sense. But I know I would just chicken out and be all, “ummm.. well, Johnny, that’s the doggie’s super-secret special dingalingdong.” Which is why I could never work at a daycare center. That, and the court order.

Thank you Hausfrau for the suggestions. “The Penis is my Penis” and “The Hammer is My Pennies,” are definitely in contention. But after reading your story, I’m now also considering changing my name to, “The Hammer is Mr. Hausfrau’s Dog’s Red Rocket.” I can’t see any reason Gabe would bristle at that.

 +41Posted on Apr 29th, 2011 | re: Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments (128 comments)

But see, now I’m torn. I love me some “Dr. Horrible,” but at the same time, Gabe apparently hates my handle, and I am merely a guest in his bloghouse.

Gabe, would, “The Pliers are my Penis,” be less distasteful?

 +22Posted on Apr 29th, 2011 | re: Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments (128 comments)

BIG congratulations Werrtrew. Awesome news. (“Elizabeth Rose” is a great name too).

As a father of two, I will tell you this: if you haven’t yet watched, “The happiest baby on the block,” please do. The five “S”‘s will save your sanity.

 +4Posted on Apr 29th, 2011 | re: Gabe And Max Like The Internet: Episode One (48 comments)

 +11Posted on Apr 29th, 2011 | re: Gabe And Max Like The Internet: Episode One (48 comments)

Isn’t it bad feng shui to have the Rick Astley album cover on the same horizontal plane as the “baby’s first green plastic ring stack” toy?

 +18Posted on Apr 29th, 2011 | re: Thursday Night TV Open Thread: Goodbye, Michael Scott (119 comments)

 +9Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: The Three Amigos Reunited! (24 comments)

And I realized that, like, the MOMENT I hit “submit comment.”

Me: “Duh, because there’s three of them, so they make a sandwich, and Steve Martin is the bread, and…” Sigh. My mother always told me I was too dumb to understand sandwich jokes. I never realized just how right she was.

I still love the basic concept of Steve Martin bread, however.

 +4Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: The Three Amigos Reunited! (24 comments)

I have no idea what this is referring to, but I still love this quote.

 +5Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: Donald Trump Secures The Powerful Joey Lawrence Endorsement (63 comments)

Mr. Richard Schroeder concurs.

 +2Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: Donald Trump Secures The Powerful Joey Lawrence Endorsement (63 comments)

I hope you know that now, not only is Jerry Jones going to draft you in round 2, he’s going to trade UP to get you.

 +19Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: Donald Trump Secures The Powerful Joey Lawrence Endorsement (63 comments)

 +30Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: Make Believe Trailer, You Guys (43 comments)

Remember kids: Tricks are something a whore does for money. Or candy!

 +9Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: 10 Tips For Hosting A Royal Wedding Viewing Party (118 comments)

Me, One Hour Ago: “I think I’ll make a dumb NFL reference on Videogum. No one’s gonna read it, probably.”

Me, 30 Seconds Ago: “Let’s check out that sports joke to see how many downvotes it got and… whoa! Lookit all the dudes talking football! Sweet!”

(Me, About 9 Hours From Now: “Goddammit Jerry Jones. You screwed up ANOTHER Cowboys draft?!?!”)

 +53Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: 10 Tips For Hosting A Royal Wedding Viewing Party (118 comments)

Frigid and square. The perfect metaphor for their love.

 +26Posted on Apr 28th, 2011 | re: 10 Tips For Hosting A Royal Wedding Viewing Party (118 comments)

Why are we even talking about the royal wedding when the NFL draft is tonight?

If you want me to give a shit about Prince William and Miss Catherine, tell me their 40 yard dash times and which of them tested positive for steroids.

 +53Posted on Apr 27th, 2011 | re: The Bully Project Trailer, You Guys (169 comments)

“our wheels touched and ground together and he fell down on the rink ”

Bullshit. You PUSHED me.

 +31Posted on Apr 27th, 2011 | re: Lindsay Lohan On The Tonight Show OR: Pets Wearing Sunglasses (71 comments)

 +15Posted on Apr 27th, 2011 | re: Lindsay Lohan On The Tonight Show OR: Pets Wearing Sunglasses (71 comments)

“She did HOW much coke?!”

Meanwhile on Earth2, Cindy McCain is watching Charles Gibson and Ricki Lake share a McRib.

Al Roker and Kelly Ripa enjoy a date crepe.

No thanks. I think I’ll skip this movie, along with all the others, and simply stay home this summer to read a few good books.

(this comment sponsored by Barnes and Noble)

 +29Posted on Apr 26th, 2011 | re: The Devil's Double Trailer, You Guys (26 comments)

“I am not real Saddam. The real Saddam Hussein has a scar on his forehead. I am no scar. I am no scar. Dot com”

 +23Posted on Apr 25th, 2011 | re: EXCLUSIVE: First Look At The Bill & Ted 3 Screenplay (53 comments)

I bet in this version, when they wiggle their fingers and make air guitar gestures, the soundtrack just plays the “sad trombone” sound from the Price is Right.

 +36Posted on Apr 21st, 2011 | re: You Can Make It Up: Skynet Gets Out Of Bed In The Morning (33 comments)

Well, someone was going to do it eventually:

 +36Posted on Apr 21st, 2011 | re: Remember When Megan Fox Was A Thing? (40 comments)

How come every time I click on this story, I get this?