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That One
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 +7Posted on Mar 4th | re: Heaven Just Got A Little More Videogum (267 comments)

Does anyone else still come here everyday in the hopes of any kind of news? Sad face forever.

 +11Posted on Feb 8th | re: Heaven Just Got A Little More Videogum (267 comments)

“Feel the triumph of being alive!”

 +14Posted on Feb 8th | re: Heaven Just Got A Little More Videogum (267 comments)

Oh man, now I’m crying. Thanks, Hausfrau.

 +35Posted on Feb 7th | re: Heaven Just Got A Little More Videogum (267 comments)

Everything you love will someday come to an end. I’m weirdly emotional about this. It’s been an honor commenting with you.

titanicband.jpg

 +22Posted on Feb 3rd | re: Hey Guys, We Have To Talk To You About Something (352 comments)

Fuck everything about this.

 +13Posted on Jan 27th | re: Best New Party Game: Monday Movies (33 comments)

Weekday At Bernies

 +6Posted on Jan 23rd | re: That Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Pooped His Pants (21 comments)

BNPG: Describe your poop with Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.

- Conan The Destroyer
- The Villain
- Red Heat

 +5Posted on Jan 23rd | re: That Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Pooped His Pants (21 comments)

I forgot a ltter.

 +5Posted on Jan 23rd | re: That Time Arnold Schwarzenegger Pooped His Pants (21 comments)

He actually acknowledge this in the commentary.

“And this is the part of the movie in which I poop in my pants. And you can see that I’m pooping and pooping and it’s very poopy. The scene is very poopy and I’m pooping very much.”

 +21Posted on Jan 22nd | re: How Was Everyone's Day Today? (94 comments)

I’m mostly sick of a lot of things. Life stuff sucks. Living in a small town can suck sometimes. Anxiety and depression can suck. But at least I’m not Jonah Hill. It sounds mildly annoying to only be paid sixty thousand dollars to work with Martin Scorcese. You’re worth more than that, Jonah Hill!

Cheer up, Jonah Hill! My dog gets paid pretty much nothing and has to work with me everyday. I get paid more than my dog! Isn’t that crazy? He’s pretty much doing the heavy lifting at this point. It can always be worse (and I’m talking to Jonah here, guys). Take that either as affirmation or caution, Jonah.

Basically, Jonah Hill should cheer up. Also, my dog. I think he’s sad. I dunno, he looks sad when he’s tired. He has more energy than I ever do, but it’s only for a few hours a day. He sleeps the rest. That would be kinda cool, just sleeping seventy percent of the day. I think Obama should cheer up, and maybe other politicians. They kinda are always in a bad mood, right? That’s kinda why things are the way they are?

I guess everyone should cheer up. Maybe. Probably. Maybe everyone should cheer up except people who we need to not cheer us up. The press. Artists of all sorts who help those of us who aren’t cheered up. God. If there is a god, it’s probably pissed off all the time, right? I mean, if it’s all knowing and all powerful, it can’t be in a good mood? Would a God even have moods, or is it like a machine that just dolls out punishment and the occasional miracle? What even is a miracle at this point in history? Toast selfies? If there was a God, would the prayers work like some Rube Goldberg machine, tinkering and click-clacking down the way from heaven to Earth, or is it more like a calculator? Do you put in a prayer, and there’s some equation that’s run through, indecipherable to humans? Like, does God just starve people to death because he’s bored, or is he pissed off? Or does it just happen because that’s what’s in the equation? Maybe he’s a psychopath incapable of human empathy, right? God should cheer up.

I don’t really believe in a God, but when you propose the idea, that’s kinda what comes to mind. There have been a million classes in a million places around the globe dedicated to these very simple questions alone. I grew up in Christian schools, and one of the first things they tell you when you start to have these thoughts is to not question them. “God has a plan.” That sort of mantra. Lip service to mute how you really feel.

I somehow feel like I’m complaining. I’m not. I live a pretty comfortable life. I know I’ll have food if I need it. I know I’ll have water and a bed to sleep in. I have access to all the known information in the world at my fingertips. Most of the people I care deeply for care for me as well. I’m pretty lucky, and I’m not complaining. I should cheer up.

But mostly, Jonah Hill should cheer up.

 +2Posted on Dec 13th, 2013 | re: Here Are Some Afternoon Links! (7 comments)

Sorry that I responded to you. Didn’t mean to.

 +1Posted on Dec 13th, 2013 | re: Here Are Some Afternoon Links! (7 comments)

Does anyone, even Tolkein fans, get excited for this stuff? It seems like such an afterthought.

 +11Posted on Dec 12th, 2013 | re: Here Are Some Afternoon Links! (11 comments)

This thread basically read like adults in Peanuts cartoons to me.

 +9Posted on Dec 11th, 2013 | re: That's Your Town: The Town With All The Bats (21 comments)

I’m not really shocked by this. It’s Australia, so I assume most towns are overrun by bats, snakes or spiders.

 +13Posted on Dec 10th, 2013 | re: Girl Tips: How To Be Pretty (24 comments)

Runner-ups:

 +7Posted on Dec 10th, 2013 | re: Girl Tips: How To Be Pretty (24 comments)

THERE ARE MONSTERS EVERYWHERE.

 0Posted on Dec 9th, 2013 | re: How Will (This Season Of) Parks And Recreation End? (16 comments)

Sure, but it could be a post-show hour after P&R, like Talking Bad or Talking Dead, but instead of Chris Hardwick discussing the season finale with Jimmy Kimmel, Scott Aukerman talks about fart pornos and they play Would You Rather.

This saves NBC and if it happens, I fully expect an EP credit.

 +5Posted on Dec 9th, 2013 | re: How Will (This Season Of) Parks And Recreation End? (16 comments)

I would watch Farts & Procreation. It’s just Adam Scott, Chelsea Peretti, Harris Wittles and Scott Aukerman dicking around for an hour every week.

 +5Posted on Dec 9th, 2013 | re: Here Are Some Morning Links! (8 comments)

The font and kerning make it look like 2 Seth 2 Furious.

You truly are a loose cannon who doesn’t go by the book.

General Animal Hospital

Because purple suit. That was a long way to go for that but I guess I’ll stand by it. Life is too short for regretting unfunny internet comments. YOLO.

So the Joker is in Batman vs. Superman and his origin story is that he accidentally strangled a puppy and is super sad and brooding about it?

 +6Posted on Dec 3rd, 2013 | re: Here Are Some Afternoon Links! (3 comments)

I remember when the Real World was culturally relevant (just like Earth, I am six thousand years old) and there were stories coming out about how it’s not really real and they would stock the fridges with tons of booze and try a ton of other ways to drum up drama and everyone was like “WHAAAT?!” but now everyone just gave up and we call that reality TV. Or Bravo.

Also, I’m not sure how the hook of that show caught on. Seven twentysomething strangers living in a house together for three months and drink a shit ton? Isn’t that just college? I’m pretty sure I’ve lived with people and didn’t find out their last names until I had to figure out who this person is sending me a Facebook friend request. Also, I’m an open mic comic from 1991. With access to Facebook.

Good cat costume.