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You Taste Like A Burger
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 +2Posted on Jan 23rd | re: Saturday Night Live: Drake (24 comments)

I was actually in the Disney World Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular, circa 1995. My sister and mom volunteered me and that day’s Drake called me up. I remember giving an “evil laugh” (amplified by their crack special effects crew) and then having a death scene. The Academy snubbed me.

 +8Posted on Jan 13th | re: Best New Party Game: Golden Globes Movies (21 comments)

American Horror Story: Jaqueline Bissette’s Speech

 +14Posted on Dec 18th, 2013 | re: How Was Everyone's Day Today? (90 comments)

“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus”

Exactly! This is why no straight men ever want anal sex from their female partners.

 +2Posted on Dec 17th, 2013 | re: Christmas With Uncle Kirk Cameron Seems Like A Real Drag (14 comments)

I had an Irish Catholic babysitter who told me when I was 4 or 5 that the Jews killed Jesus. Horrified, I confronted my parents with this fact. They killed the babysitter and used her blood to make matzohs. That or they just fired her. Either way, I never saw her again.

 +3Posted on Dec 9th, 2013 | re: Saturday Night Live: Paul Rudd And One Direction (48 comments)

ONE Direction, pp. They dance in ONE Direction. That’s what makes them special.

 +3Posted on Dec 9th, 2013 | re: Saturday Night Live: Paul Rudd And One Direction (48 comments)

If I say “People actually watch the musical performances?”, is that as obnoxious as saying, “People still watch SNL?” jk, 1D 4lyfe.

 +12Posted on Nov 11th, 2013 | re: The Videogum Movie Club: Thor: The Dark World (33 comments)

Sorry, couldn’t make it — I was watching The Fifth Estate.

 +1Posted on Nov 8th, 2013 | re: Best New Party Game: Fast Food Movies (64 comments)

Who Framed Roy Rogers?

 +1Posted on Nov 8th, 2013 | re: Best New Party Game: Fast Food Movies (64 comments)

Big Mack

 +2Posted on Nov 8th, 2013 | re: Best New Party Game: Fast Food Movies (64 comments)

That’s My Bob’s Big Boy

 +4Posted on Oct 22nd, 2013 | re: The Videogum Movie Club: The Fifth Estate (40 comments)

Sorry. I had to return some videotapes. Except the Blockbuster was closed. For good. So I can’t use *that* excuse anymore.

 +6Posted on Oct 22nd, 2013 | re: UNDENIABLE Evidence: Ghost Caught On Video In A Long Island Pizza Hut!!! (51 comments)

“Supposedly, when you’re in the bathrooms at a Pizza Hut, you will feel cold spots and hear whispering.”

Weird. Explosive diarrhea for me.

 +6Posted on Oct 15th, 2013 | re: Here Are Some Morning Links! (18 comments)

Tim League, the CEO of Alamo Drafthouse, has banned Madonna from watching movies at Alamo Drafthouse for life after a story came out about her texting during the movie 12 Years A Slave

That’s nothing. My mailman once caught my friend Jerry making out with a girl during Schindler’s List.

 +9Posted on Sep 13th, 2013 | re: Gwyneth Paltrow's English Garden Party (34 comments)

It’s been a pretty white life, btw.

 +9Posted on Sep 13th, 2013 | re: Gwyneth Paltrow's English Garden Party (34 comments)

That was the whitest 1:18 of my life.

 +1Posted on Sep 11th, 2013 | re: Here Are Some Morning Links! (19 comments)

Hey, any time you can make a $200M movie for an audience of 20,000 people, you have to definitely not do that.

 +3Posted on Aug 15th, 2013 | re: Oh No, Laura Prepon Is (Maybe?!) Leaving Orange Is The New Black! (63 comments)

Man! And it’s not even like That 70′s Show remains available and popular in syndication, right?

 +11Posted on Aug 9th, 2013 | re: Breaking Bad Premiere Party Cocktail Recipes (30 comments)

The Hank

1 bottle Coors

It’s as if somehow Martin Scorcese knew this day would come.

Swing away, Merrill. Swing away.

 +5Posted on Aug 8th, 2013 | re: Watch Aubry Plaza As A Teen Hag In 2008's "Teen Hag" (9 comments)

HORSESHARKNADO!

 +16Posted on Aug 8th, 2013 | re: Explaining Your "Amy's Baking Company" T-Shirt To A Friend (27 comments)

They should have known that hiring my dad to design their t-shirt using Word 1995 was a poor business decision.

 +5Posted on Jul 30th, 2013 | re: What Else Do Celebs Text Each Other About, Do You Think? (48 comments)

“No doubt, my man. & u kno I would of saved the Pentagon but for that ill case of merc poizng.”

 +13Posted on Jul 30th, 2013 | re: What Else Do Celebs Text Each Other About, Do You Think? (48 comments)

“Hey Gabe, quitting’s cool, no big deal. I can see your new blog from my merch site.” — Sarah Palin

 +28Posted on Jul 29th, 2013 | re: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Elizabethtown (Redux) (99 comments)

I’m scattering Gabe’s ashes outside the Neue Galerie because I love Gustav Klimt and his paintings are meaningful to me. You are feel free to join.

 +1Posted on Jul 26th, 2013 | re: Life Can Throw Us All Some Pretty Funny Curveballs, Even Danica McKellar (30 comments)

My rebuttal:

Have a neat summer.