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Suburban Commando
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 -1Posted on Aug 11th, 2010 | re: Oh, Legless Cat! So Chill! (71 comments)

But with multiple orgasms.

 +15Posted on Jun 7th, 2010 | re: The Videogum Why Don't YOU Caption It? Contest: Sad Keanu Reeves (197 comments)

“Grief changes shape, but it never ends.” –Keanu Reeves (KR)

“I am not handsome or sexy.” –KR

“I try not to think about my life. I have no life. I need therapy.” –KR

“I’m sorry my existence is not very noble or sublime.” –KR

The internet, which has never lied to me before (unlike my uncle and my middle school gym teacher, who are not necessarily 2 different people), told me these are all actual quotes by the man sitting on the bench up there. They all seem very appropriate.

 +6Posted on May 20th, 2010 | re: You Can Make It Up: Chris Klein Auditions For A Cocaine Commercial (45 comments)

Finally, someone who shares my first name AND my overzealous affection for Mandy Moore. As much as it literally kills me to say this, maybe Chris Klein and I could be pals. Like we could definitely between the two of us track down Mandy Moore and then he could boost me up into her bedroom window and that’s pretty much where the partnership would end because after he boosted me up I would tell him there is so much cocaine right down the street but you have to hurry! and he would go there posthaste and probably completely forget about Mandy Moore and then me and Mandy Moore would get married and she would be Mrs. Suburban Commando-Moore.

Let me just say that when the roving gangs of cannibals come trudging through the ash (and they WILL come, friendo) that I’m on team This Guy. Did you see him wiping the crud and fingerprints off the blade? He’s already got the cleaning cannibal blood off the blade technique down.

“I’ve gone into clubs.” -Dan Songer

“I’ve gone into clubs.” -Dan Songer

“God teaches us to love everyone, so grab their heads and pound them into your knee. You know, for Jesus.” Ecclesiastes 4:32-35.

 +12Posted on May 12th, 2010 | re: Ian McKellen, Not Surprisingly, Mistaken For A Hobo (53 comments)

I think I would be more impressed by a bum who had a mutated genetic code that gave him complete control over his bowels.

 +2Posted on May 10th, 2010 | re: That's Your Yo-Yo Master: Kenny "K-Strass" Strasser (43 comments)

All I heard in that second video was blah blah yo-yo blah blah charity something or other blah blah BARBECUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 +4Posted on May 10th, 2010 | re: Forget It, Jake, It's Laser-Eyed Demon-Sheep Town (83 comments)

Didn’t she say something about living near Shaboygan? Sheboygin? Shaboigen?

“Haha, you put spelt when you should have put spelled.”

-Steve Winwood, writing for Nick Madson

(insert Scanners exploding head .gif)

Two mixtape songs in one day? Or is this the first entry in the 2012 Theme Song Contest?

Get out of there Mr. Space Alien!

I’ll have whatever Dan Akroyd is having.

 +10Posted on May 10th, 2010 | re: The 10th Summer Jam Of 2010: Othelio's "Lift Me" (33 comments)

“Othelio are clearly the next Susan Boyle. NOT!”

Never before have I experienced such an emotional rollercoaster in such a short span.

 +12Posted on May 10th, 2010 | re: The 10th Summer Jam Of 2010: Othelio's "Lift Me" (33 comments)

Haha, don’t quit your day job. What’s that? You’re a singer/songwriter/producer? On second thought, go ahead and quit your day job. Maybe go back to school, learn a trade or something.

 +25Posted on May 10th, 2010 | re: Duh Aficionado Magazine: Andy Rooney Is So Old (66 comments)

In Andy Rooney’s defense, it’s probably very hard to stay hip to current trends, musical and otherwise, when you spend 23 hours a day in an iron lung in a sub-basement of the 60 Minutes headquarters.

 +10Posted on May 10th, 2010 | re: Saturday Night Live: Good Job, Betty White! Goodbye, Betty White! (98 comments)

Thank you for letting Betty White be great, Gabe.

 +13Posted on May 7th, 2010 | re: Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments (223 comments)

Gabe, you mad. Congratulations, Monsters all, short and tall, big and small.

Happy weekend everybody. I love you.

 +5Posted on May 7th, 2010 | re: Let's Pool Our Money And Make A Movie With James Franco (44 comments)

I just pissed myself laughing. You are awesome.

That’s odd. “motivated and inspired to leave” sounds a lot like “kicked out of the house for being fucking weird and consistently ruining dinner by” when mom tells that story.

Goddamn it dad.

 +9Posted on May 7th, 2010 | re: Some Parenting Tips For Gary Busey (41 comments)

HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH STARSHIP TROOPERS! BURN THE HERETIC!

Just kidding. That movie is awful. But I love it. There. I said it.

 +7Posted on May 7th, 2010 | re: Some Parenting Tips For Gary Busey (41 comments)

I can’t tell if Gary Busey is trying to assimilate with his baby or if he just superglued it to his forehead to make sure it’s not sneaking around behind his back. Neither thought disturbs me less.

 +59Posted on May 6th, 2010 | re: Get Out Of There! (62 comments)

“Get out of there!” -my mother, 1986

“Get out of there!” -my prom date, 2003