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Sassy Molassy
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 +7Posted on Oct 24th, 2009 | re: Monsters' Ball: The Week's Best Comments (130 comments)

Yeah, ZOMG Gabe what can we do about this?? I was in the LIBRARY at SCHOOL lolling at comments when I scrolled down and BAM PUSSY IN MY FACE!!! the library was packed and I got so embarrassed, there’s cameras everywhere and just GOD. IT WAS AWFUL. I totes will watch porn on my own time, but having it pop up when I’m expecting to get my highbrow comedy is NOT COOL. Especially when I’m already on probation with the univ. library for talking on my phone too loud. KTHXBYE.

 0Posted on Aug 3rd, 2009 | re: The Videogum Movie Club: Funny People (96 comments)

Eep.

 +9Posted on Jul 22nd, 2009 | re: An Open Letter To The Summer Of 2010 (29 comments)

Cuck-E-Cheese sounds like something I might find on YouPorn NOT THAT I GO TO YOUPORN OR ANYTHING.

 +2Posted on Jul 17th, 2009 | re: Just In Time For The Weekend (37 comments)

Gabe, I swear to God, you get me everytime. First that Pedro video, then the kid and his junk shaking Mama, now this. I must be a masochist to keep watching these videos.

 +8Posted on Jul 17th, 2009 | re: Seth MacFarlane Continues To Compare Family Guy To Barack Obama (19 comments)

I think Seth MacFarlane, Michael Bay, and Gwyneth Paltrow should have a The Worst-Off! We can put it on Pay-Per-View and all the proceeds could be used to implement elementary school programs teaching kids the importance of humility.

 +86Posted on Jul 17th, 2009 | re: A History Of The Floppy Sack Mask, America's Scariest Mask (64 comments)

I’m an adult, but when the boy came out wearing the Floppy Sack Mask in The Orphanage, a little bit of pee came out. That’s true.

 +3Posted on Jul 16th, 2009 | re: Congratulations, Glenn Beck, On Your "We'll Do It Live!" Moment (59 comments)

Yeah, I don’t think anything can touch O’Reilly’s, ever.

 +12Posted on Jul 16th, 2009 | re: Congratulations, Glenn Beck, On Your "We'll Do It Live!" Moment (59 comments)

It’s good to see Glenn Beck tackling that “angry white male” stereotype head-on.

 +6Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 | re: Internet Done Burned Me Again (33 comments)

What’s the problem, guys? She showed much decency and modesty by not allowing her face to be shown. What more do you monsters want? For her to blur the KID’S face or something? JEEZ.

 +24Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 | re: Pepsi Cola Murdered Michael Jackson (38 comments)

WHY DIDN’T I LISTEN? I want to punch US Weekly in the face. More like US Weakly. Yes, I will show myself out.

 +49Posted on Jul 15th, 2009 | re: NYC Prep: Oh, Babies, What Have You Done? (25 comments)

That girl in the first video reminded me of a girl I went to elementary school with who was OBSESSED with horses. She would gallop down the hall like one, and one time, this boy in class made a comment about horses being made into glue, and she BIT HIM. IN CLASS. Anyway, she talked just like this girl, and now I’m scared.

 +13Posted on Jul 10th, 2009 | re: The Cleveland Show: Even Worse Than Previously Thought: An Early Review (95 comments)

I’m going to come to your house, wait until you are asleep, and then steal your j key. That will force you to use SOME CREATIVITY AND COME UP WITH A NEW SHTICK.

 +5Posted on Jul 9th, 2009 | re: You Can Make It Up: I Didn't Fuck Screech (19 comments)

Gabe is really good at making me feel angry, nauseous, and sad all at the same time.

Huh. I guess 12 dollars is only enough to have a tiny CGI horse run HALFWAY across a ridiculously bad CGI background. Maybe he could have run the full length if she wouldn’t have splured on a solid gold C3PO outfit.

 0Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 | re: BREAKING NEWS: Gwyneth Paltrow Likes Spain! (42 comments)

:(

 +20Posted on Jul 1st, 2009 | re: BREAKING NEWS: Gwyneth Paltrow Likes Spain! (42 comments)

Wow. When I started reading “Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it’s from 500 B.C.” I had to go back and make sure it was quoting Gwyneth, because I thought it was Gabe mocking her. So she has never been to the state of Massachussetts I take it? I never thought it would take Gwyneth Paltrow to make my patriotism kick in COME ON AN AMERICAN PATRIOT LET’S LEAD THE CHANT: U S A! U S A!

 +2Posted on Jun 30th, 2009 | re: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Crank (188 comments)

So where does the notion that ice queens who sleep around just need a good raping fall? In the bath or the bathwater?

 +14Posted on Jun 29th, 2009 | re: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Crank (188 comments)

Who IS a fan of The Fountainhead? It’s a piece of reactionary garbage.

 +14Posted on Jun 26th, 2009 | re: Have A Great Summer And Stay Sweet, You Guys! (221 comments)

Sure. Right after I finally decide to make the big step from lurker to OFFICIAL COMMENTER, Lindsay leaves. It’s ok, I still got to enjoy all your posts. May you continue to inspire others to step out of anonymity! You were always like a nice chaser of pina colada to Gabe’s shot of pickle juice (I don’t know, leave me alone, people keep dying and shit).

 +8Posted on Jun 26th, 2009 | re: Go To Bed, Twitter, It Is Your Bedtime (43 comments)

Hmm I kinda have to agree with Gabe on this one, to a point. As an Iranian American, I’ve grown up knowing the history of Iran (and the U.S.’s part in it) and my family is still there, so obviously it’s been hard for us. I can tell you that many Iranians look at the green ribbons and green avatars and such and say, “Really? Where were you in 1953? Or how about 79? 1999? No?” It’s a sort of “why do you care all of a sudden when we needed you for so long” feeling. The U.S.-backed Shah slaughtered his own people (threw my father in jail) and the Ayatollahs have been doing the same for 30 years. It’s definitely easy to wax poetic about romantic democratic notions and shout encouragement from across oceans when you aren’t the one having your house raided at 3am.

That being said, young Iranians also greatly admire Americans, and I think they are just grateful that we are actually starting to pay attention to what’s been happening there for years. They do appreciate knowing that the world is on their side. They just hold grudges (rightly so) and don’t like Johnny come latelys (Johnnys come lately?) There’s my contribution to Iranianhistoryslashelectioncoveragegum.

 +4Posted on Jun 25th, 2009 | re: You Can Make It Up: A Little Boy Tries To Give Cameron Diaz A Yellow Rose (20 comments)

Good luck. I dunno, the Louis CK post made me feel ouchy and I have a hard time enjoying Gabe’s snark now. I feel like now things are divided into AD and BC, except its BELP (before existential Louis CK post) and AELP.