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 +1Posted on Mar 2nd, 2011 | re: Best New Party Game 47: Charlie Sheen Movie Quotes (126 comments)

There can be only one, but I’m not the Highlander. He was a pussy.

Everything he says makes so much more sense when cats are quoting him!

 +10Posted on Feb 23rd, 2011 | re: This Is Your Food Court Marriage Proposal (92 comments)

I do weddings too

 +1Posted on Jan 26th, 2011 | re: Why We Need A Christian Dictator (123 comments)

I think the outro music, the pan-flutey type stuff backing the advertisement for whatever it is this person does for a living and the way you can pay him for it, was directly lifted from Donkey Kong Country for SNES!!!! That was the soundtrack to my life back in whatever year I got it! I got a brief feeling of nostalgia and yearn for a simpler time when that music played- so maybe he’s a genius with his tactics? OR maybe I just really really miss playing Donkey Kong Country during an age when my greatest responsibility seems to have been beating the next level?

So…that just seemed like the most important part about this whole thing, and I was a little bit upset that it wasn’t mentioned.

 -3Posted on Jan 26th, 2011 | re: Why We Need A Christian Dictator (123 comments)

Canada- it’s white enough, they speak the same language, and living there they will have no influence on the direction of the world

 +3Posted on Jan 26th, 2011 | re: Why We Need A Christian Dictator (123 comments)

The ABYSS is way too sexually charged for this guy to choose that as his show’s title. I think he just walked in on his parents having sex at a young age and has never recovered from it, and (now being serious) the further he goes with this the harder he must try to convince everyone else that he is right because to accept the notion of doubt in his beliefs means that every living, breathing second of his life will have been an incredible, self-destructive and dangerous waste of time, and the more time that passes the more time he will have wasted therefore creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of his worthless, shameful existence that he will then project on to everyone else.

It’s best just to be as nice and open as you can be to these people, because that totally throws a wrench in all their arguments and stops them dead in their tracks.

 0Posted on Jan 26th, 2011 | re: How Jurassic Park Got Velociraptors Wrong (74 comments)

if we were to do a real jurassic park…could we just engineer the velociraptor to be like it was in the movie? think of the children and the crumbling world that we will leave them should they ever doubt the truth of Hollywood!

 +1Posted on Jan 26th, 2011 | re: How Jurassic Park Got Velociraptors Wrong (74 comments)

Every time I eat a chicken I smile with pride at knowing that in the great game of life, team mammal has defeated and humiliated team Dino…at least for this round (shaking in fear)…

 +1Posted on Jan 26th, 2011 | re: How Jurassic Park Got Velociraptors Wrong (74 comments)

if a t-rex is chasing you odds are you’d be lucky to even have an outhouse as they are not known to venture toward civilization and usually eat all the people that would be building outhouses in their neck of the woods anyway

 +5Posted on Jan 23rd, 2011 | re: Today's Forecast Isn't Looking Good (75 comments)

I actually really enjoyed this movie. Ralph Fiennes is astoundingly better at acting than he is in pronouncing his name.

 +1Posted on Jan 21st, 2011 | re: Tom Hanks? More Like Tom PRANKS! (103 comments)

also, that was the last diatribe for the foreseeable future, I have been writing without break all week for an enormous paper/thesis/story/interpretation of Classical Studies…actually I just want to stop talking about it entirely. I was coming to videogum for a chance to relax and break out of the intense and serious attitude and writing mode I have been in and enjoy some light humor but can’t seem to write anything without it being an extended essay…I think I’ve lost my mind.

I am sorry, and when I return I will bring with me snappy quips and no attempt at actual argumentative points, so I bid you farewell.

 0Posted on Jan 21st, 2011 | re: Tom Hanks? More Like Tom PRANKS! (103 comments)

Rather than take the approach of Lesigh and craft a valid argument to defend the city we live in and love and the industry that is akin to our Wall Street except a whole lot LESS vile and douchey and destructive and actually creates jobs for blue collar workers rather than gives them more or less free houses and then kicks them out and takes their tax money for fucking everything up…I will speak an unfiltered conversation that is an example of a common theme when discussing the fact that yes, we do indeed actually live in hollywood, and yes, many of us even work in it and yes I have seen a celebrity from time to time.
This conversation will take place with a pretty blonde girl that you meet who is visiting from out of town to see Bev Hills, the beach and palm trees and maybe some famous people, and the protagonist is just a guy who is attracted to her…and rolling…

“So we were making this movie that was getting a little frustrating because, let’s face it the script is shit and we don’t know why exactly we are doing this…hopefully maybe one day we will get the chance to either contribute to a true piece of art because ya know cinema has become the medium to replace the outdated notion of the great american novel and whatnot…no no I still read books but dude have you seen the Wire? Not into the heady stuff? Community? Yeah the one with the dude from talk soup, his name is Joel McHale, he’s fucking hilarious I love that show did you see the one in claymation!?!?! It’s just like when we were kids man it made me so happy over the holidays I watched it so many times with my friends and then showed my family. Yeah dude there’s a lot of good stuff on tv right now…this film might be ok too, the way we have it set up is…hm? yeah I’ve seen Julia Roberts. Well not like any discussions and whatnot but yeah we work on the same set right now…I mean yeah she’s aged pretty well, but I really don’t care all that much about acting…ugh…well she knits a lot, mhm just like other people sometimes do as well…omg I know it’s hard to believe, we even once all pretended to knit to point out how we realized how big of a deal it was to her life and we all had a wholesome laugh…no that didn’t actually fucking happen…sorry, I didn’t mean to offend your sensibilities, I take back what I said, yes it did happen and she is just such a Peach of a person, exactly like you think she would be…I mean would tinkerbell be a bitch? Yeah you can tell other people this story if you come out to the bar with me and I can tell you all about the rest of my stories”

 +1Posted on Jan 19th, 2011 | re: Saturday Night Live: Gwyneth Paltrow And Cee-Lo Green (61 comments)

I don’t know about you guys but I thought the Secret Word sketch was hilarious. It’s like watching Exit Through The Gift Shop and realizing that Mr. Brainwash has NO idea that it systematically tears him apart as a human being and instead thinks that we are all watching him because we love him. Gwyneth Paltrow does the best Kirsten WIig’s impression of Gwyneth Paltrow impression I have ever seen! It is flawless! They even put them both in the same skit, so there’s Gwyneth being like, “yay people are laughing at my impression of a clueless, unintentionally extremely racist, culturally insensitive American member of the long declined British Aristocracy…I am so good at getting into character it really is a talent of mine, I feel like I didn’t even have to learn my lines they just existed in my head as WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY ALREADY” and then she smiled knowing that all the stars, they shine for her and her specifically and all the things she does and she finally understood why.

This seems so diabolical I feel like Gabe had something to do with it, or the meme he spawned is actually about to switch mediums and jump in scale to one that entails the videogum message boards actually dictating an unwitting human’s entire life and thoughts to her…that’s the only logical conclusion of this common bond of a hatred someone that is also instrumental in our moral evaluation of our own place in this world…or something

 0Posted on Jan 19th, 2011 | re: Rubber Trailer, You Guys (53 comments)

sorry about the double post, I get shaky when I actually think about our great existential threats

 0Posted on Jan 19th, 2011 | re: Rubber Trailer, You Guys (53 comments)

Oh and Rubber looks awesome

 0Posted on Jan 19th, 2011 | re: Rubber Trailer, You Guys (53 comments)

Oh and Rubber looks awesome

 -1Posted on Jan 19th, 2011 | re: Rubber Trailer, You Guys (53 comments)

I thought Gabe was making one of those jokes at the end of a rant/spiel that are like, “wouldn’t it be awesome if there were [except we'd all probably say "was"] a movie about a [insert comically obvious yet beloved genre that lost it's last shot at redemption during the stupidity that was most film of the 90s through to the 2000s, you know like the Michael Bay movies that weren't so much movies as several communicative mediums thrown together turned all the way to 11 because of course he added 11 after being inspired by his favorite band spinal tap who he he thinks died fighting time traveling alien monsters who are want to destroy earth because that's why they exist and serve no other purpose except to speak in perfectly adequate English because even alien monsters that time traveled through a portal at stonehenge to enslave mankind know that America is the world, and that somehow when you time travel in America you end up in Ancient Europe because that's how history works, haven't any of you read a history book? Clearly one day Europe stops a few hundred years after discovering the America's and a new breed of people invent freedom and silicon breaststs and Chevy Suburbans- sorry Tahos because people hate to be reminded that there is absolutely no purpose for their car. Well anyway a group of down and out working class white guys are the only keys to mankind's survival, which proves itself worthy of such only because of the goodness amidst all the evil shit we do, and that goodness separates us from time traveling alien monster cyborg's whose culture evolved in the same way as us except they forgot all about their goodness, goodness that exists only in America and is why we do what we do like our flag, sunsets, fossil fuels, explosions that destroy everything but our flag and the fact that the white heros come from nothing, have no education, no discernable skills yet all prove more capable than the government agents about to hand over the world AND the white guys even have a couple blacks and hispanics and one asian girl thrown in to help them]

I forgot what this post was originally about. FUck michael bay that inflatable dildo of a filmmaker not actually a human but a personification in the flesh of all of our no longer relevant genes saying fuck the species’ entire survival I wanna fuck some tittayys

I sincerely thought this was another “you can make it up” feature until about halfway through. Until this moment I had not yet understood Gabe’s seemingly unreasonable hatred of Gwyneth Paltrow, she seemed like a decent enough yet incredibly overhyped actress back in the 90s and married the most offensively unoffensive man in music and named her kids Apple and Moses, but you know, I didn’t think it was as pretentious as I thought it was a naive attempt at poetic profundity by Chris Martin, who somehow hasn’t realized that he is just not artistic or profound at all because people keep telling him he is…

Before this very moment, this was all simply a background amusement, I would see them on the cover of tabloids at the grocery store and think, oh silly culturally 1990′s celebrities that never grasped the concept of irony, you make me feel somewhat better about myself as a person because of your simple-mindedness despite your immense wealth that I can’t even comprehend.

ONCE I REALIZED THIS WAS FOR REALZ, the only way this can make sense to me (since, clearly arich people from the 1990′s did not have the capabilities to grasp our post-modern and ironic and snarky sensibilities because THEY LIKED THE FARLEY BROTHERS movies more than the Cohen’s), the only possible explanation is that Gwyneth, having lived in England for so long (and I guess she always thought she was British because she started acting in movies like she was putting on a really bad American accent, like it was unnatural for her, even though she DOESN”T HAVE AN EXCUSE TO HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT), but anyway, she had been living in England for so long that she is a full-on, card carrying supporter of the Class System, and therefore the only people that qualify as “Working Moms” are people of her socio-economic level, mostly aristocratic old money types who say HELLOOOOOO like John Stewart’s impression, because well, the commons don’t count as people because to quote what I assume must be here thought processes when she occasionally thinks that those people that have jobs and employers are, and I believe this is verbatim, “just…ew, gross…fucking Plebs”.

SO Yeah Gabe you convinced me that Gwyneth Paltrow actually is the fucking worst! I don’t know why I never realized it before, maybe I didn’t want to accept the truth because I think I liked Shakespeare in Love when I saw it in English Class in Middle School, which took up like three days of class so that RULED…

Even to a (rather optimistic) cynical person like me, no one is really that FUCKING DUMB. Therefore she must be malicious and condescending and smug.

AND I am done with my rant, sorry for the excessive length, but I guess this article unleashed years of pent up hatred that I had buried deep down inside because of those three days where I didn’t have to argue with people I virulently disagreed with in my middle school English Class…Deep Shit, y’all.

 +13Posted on Jan 13th, 2011 | re: You Can Make It Up: Brad Pitt Plays Fun Pranks On The Set Of His Movie (60 comments)

I am from LA this guy is pretty much royalty here. Therefore I feel that I am qualified to make the following statement (qualification: I once breathed in the exhaust from his assistant’s assistant’s car and grew 3 inches and gained like three extra points on my “charm” meter):

There is only one thing that is totally unbelievable in this piece. Brad Pitt can’t move the Ocean, he is like the Prince of Whales with regards to the Sovereign Regent of my fair city of Angeles, HIs Royal Majesty George Clooney. ONLY George Clooney has the power to veto Earth’s natural geological processes and redecorate as he pleases.

Sloppy mistake, Gabe!

 +4Posted on Jan 12th, 2011 | re: Tom Hanks's Son Chet Wants To Be A Rapper, Obviously (129 comments)

I have a sneaking suspicion that this guy is an inposter who has pulled off a brilliant long con on Colin and his father Tom, only to hubristically blow his cover with this piece of shit that is somehow a worse version of “I Love College”

This just makes me sad, for a number of reasons.
1. she starts all innocent and cute in her angel costume and it seems like it might be wholesome four year old fun until BAM time for naughty four year old fun
2. The crowd cheers hysterically when she disrobes
3. The mother (I am assuming it’s the mother?) shows her daughter to press her chest together
4. The crowd finds this to be the best part of the show

 +3Posted on Jan 12th, 2011 | re: Best New Party Game 43: Sarah Palin Movies (281 comments)

Breakfast at Kay’s (because Tiffany’s is Coastal Elitist)

 +5Posted on Jan 12th, 2011 | re: Best New Party Game 43: Sarah Palin Movies (281 comments)

All (White Republican) Presidents Go to Heaven

 +1Posted on Jan 12th, 2011 | re: Best New Party Game 43: Sarah Palin Movies (281 comments)

Reagan’s Speech

 +4Posted on Jan 12th, 2011 | re: Best New Party Game 43: Sarah Palin Movies (281 comments)

Since you retracted your mistake I am going to have to tell myself that your statement was a slip emanating from our (somewhat) collective unconscious