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 +1Posted on Feb 1st, 2012 | re: The Petting Zoo: The Week's Top 10 Animal Videos (45 comments)

Ducks, like babies, would be cuter if they were more conscientious about their slimy green poop. Also, you fuckers can fly – what’s with the parade? You know people make fun of the way you walk…

 +1Posted on Jan 30th, 2012 | re: Ryan Gosling's Dramatic Reaction To His "Oscar Snub" Revealed! (27 comments)

This could get ugly if the same protesters who burned down People headquarters in the wake of the Sexiest Man Alive scandal set their sights on the Academy…

 +2Posted on Jan 30th, 2012 | re: NOW Who Should Play Stretch Armstrong In The Stretch Armstrong Movie?! (52 comments)

Does the movie end with every boy in my third grade class teaming up to pull on his limbs until he rips open and they can play with his gooey innards? Speaking of which, what ever happened to the Coen Brothers’ live action Gak movie?

 0Posted on Jan 27th, 2012 | re: Reacting To Aaron Paul's Breaking Bad Spoiler Prank (21 comments)

I will only accept a series finale that includes Walt having to kill his whole family to protect them and provide for their future or something, and in the process he will harvest all of Jesse’s organs without anesthetic and while Jesse is under the influence of a staggering amount of LSD. Hank will make a miraculous recovery and punch Walt’s face off, leading Walt to take Jesse’s face because Walk can’t save his dead family without a face. Jesse, now devoid of organs and a face, will patch things up with Walt and agree to serve a life sentence in America’s most terrifying prison. Walt decides to trade in the Aztec for a Reliant Regal. The end.

Aw, JLo loves that book more than she loves the little parasite in her abdomen. Now THAT’S relatable!

I’ve always been a fan, but the way he yelled at that kid really stole my heart…

Also, Grayson should’ve countered Tom’s insults towards chicken salad sandwiches by saying that chicken salad is exactly like coitus on your face or something.

Grayson should’ve recruited some of those besotted grocery store dudes to “convince” Tom that chicken salad is awesome. They must have all sorts of torture devices back there.

“Hey Grayson, we used the industrial meat slicer on the bald guy and now he’s super excited for chicken salad sandwiches!”

“You are the SHIT!”

 +2Posted on Apr 1st, 2011 | re: Sorry, Ladies, But Jon Hamm Is A Big Old Goof (95 comments)

You know what’s not goofy, Hamm-o? Pants. Now, we all know that you already shun underpants, so why not take it the extra mile, hmm? You can don pants for Mad Men (get it??), but out in the real world, they’re only taking away from your goofy magic.

 +10Posted on Mar 25th, 2011 | re: It's Friday, Friday, Friday (37 comments)

Wait, what day comes after Friday? What day was yesterday? I’M LOST!!!