I am a fighter pilot in the navy and I was recently chosen to go to a prestigious flying school because I guy who is a better and less cocky fighter pilot decided he wanted to spend more time with his kids. The problem is that there is this other fighter pilot who is really mean and probably gay because he never has a shirt on and pretends to bite me when we’re in the locker room together…oh wait…the problem is that I’m in love with a woman whose job it is to tell me how good of a pilot I am…oh wait…actually my best friend just died and i feel super responsible. I’m wondering if it’s my fault. Or Satan’s fault. Or possibly the Soviet’s fault. I need Jesus’ help immediately because I’m getting ready to fly my really expensive airplane again.

I didn’t make this…but it’s great

Did everyone notice the little pamphlet that Rick Moonen gave them on which fish were in season? I think the important thing to take away from this episode is that Rick Moonen WRITES PAMPHLETS ON WHICH FISH ARE IN SEASON…he’s like the John Locke of sustainable fish because Common Sense. Because Top Chef is like the American Revolution but with more fish

What about the guy from The Jay Leno show? What’s his name? I dunno…but he’s the WORST

I will always remember where I was when Tom spit out that food…I was sitting on my couch…spitting out my microwaved frozen pizza because it tasted like sadness.

White Chicks 2: Obama Who?

I loved how the best parts of this movie were the RAAAAAAAANDY documentaries. When RAAAAAAAANDY only had 2 scenes. I think it should be a rule that Aziz Ansari should have at least 30 scenes in every movie ever. Not having it MAAAAAAAADE me MAAAAAAAD…also…I hate myself

I think the relationship between Gabe and Gwyneth is similar to the one between Conan and Jordan Schlansky…amusement at his/her craziness…mixed in with a desire to inflict serious bodily harm…