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monsterbeard
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 +6Posted on Oct 24th, 2011 | re: An Imagined Reaction To Gretchen's Puzzle Box (33 comments)

The original ending of Seven had Morgan Freeman fiddling with a puzzle box just like this one, unable to open it, which is why Brad Pitt keeps screaming “What’s in the box?!” impatiently. True story.

“If this movie starred Nick Swardson, all that water would be jizz!”

 +2Posted on Sep 22nd, 2011 | re: Time 2 Update Scarface 3 Tha Kidz (41 comments)

Can we all just admit that Scarface is not a good movie? Especially compared to The Godfather, among others. But it is actually a relatively mediocre and somewhat uninteresting film, made even more boring by its constant reference and parody over the years. Yes, “say hello to my little friend,” yes piles and piles of cocaine. I am tired of it.

 0Posted on Sep 22nd, 2011 | re: Time 2 Update Scarface 3 Tha Kidz (41 comments)

People’s upvotes must be broken because this should have ALL OF THEM!

 +16Posted on Sep 21st, 2011 | re: Everyone Has To Work It (44 comments)

The weirdest thing about that Jack in the Box video is that there’s a guy at the drive thru window and he’s probably sitting there thinking “where are my fucking fries?”

Real men don’t appear on Two and a Half Men.

 +13Posted on Sep 19th, 2011 | re: Aaron Sorkin Broke His Nose While Writing, OBVIOUSLY (38 comments)

This guy broke his nose writing too:

 +17Posted on Sep 19th, 2011 | re: The 2011 Emmy Awards (100 comments)

Louis CK WAS robbed! Especially in the writing category. Whatevs. I think when Jim Parsons and Melissa McCarthy win over those other talented people that the Emmys can just go fuck themselves. I mean, I loved McCarthy’s speech and sincerity, and I’m glad they don’t pick some rail thin person every year, but they’re picking her and Mike and Molly (fuck that show) over Amy Poehler or Tina Fey, who are HANDS DOWN the funniest women on TV? That’s a fucking joke.

As for Michael Scott, which is actually why I started this comment (phew), I actually think that the reason more people do not feel the way you do (about him being too big and one-note and somewhat unbearable) is because of Steve Carell and his ability to put just enough empathy into Michael Scott that we never leave him. The greatest difference between Michael Scott and David Brent is that Brent is completely and utterly unlovable, while Michael Scott provides the inkling of humanity that gave the show more heart than the British Office ever did. Although whether that makes better or worse TV is not up to me to decide, as the British Office is perfect and the American Office is a different beast altogether.

Sorry for this long comment. It got away from me. TL;DR

 +1Posted on Sep 16th, 2011 | re: CBS Is Developing A Source Code TV Show (21 comments)

“What the hell is Quantum Leap? I’ve never heard of it and it is nothing like Source Code” – CBS exec.

“You bastards!!!!!” – Don P. Bellisario

 0Posted on Sep 16th, 2011 | re: And Now The Daily Show Weighs In On The Michele Bachmann HPV Thing (13 comments)

To be fair to Bachmann (I guess?), I actually think that conversation probably DID happen. I don’t think Bachmann is so dumb as to think “no one will find out this is insane” but most likely a Bachmann devotee (who, let’s face it, are not the ripest grapes (what?)), actually did come up to her, convinced that a vaccine of some kind had given her child a disability. Think of how long and easily the autism-vaccine myth has persisted. So Bachmann seized on it, knowing that was were she scored the most points against Perry, and spoke without thinking.

Still though, she’s insane.

 +6Posted on Sep 15th, 2011 | re: Celebrities Use Outdated E-Mail Clients, But WHY? (34 comments)

David Arquette still uses AOL because no one has ever invited him to join Gmail.

 +3Posted on Sep 15th, 2011 | re: Steven Spielberg Regrets Altering E.T. (67 comments)

Spielberg then said “Or take Indy IV. I regret that. All of it.”

 +4Posted on Sep 15th, 2011 | re: Steven Spielberg Regrets Altering E.T. (67 comments)

Oh man, it was really weird to buy the director’s cut of Donnie Darko, only to discover that the original DVD, and all the original deleted scenes and commentary in bits and pieces still ended up being a superior version. Which shouldn’t make sense, but then you pop in Southland Tales and it kind of does?

But it gets very weird for me when someone loves the theatrical cut of Blade Runner and has never seen the director’s cut and I’m like ‘Whaaaaa?”

Cool story, bro.

 +2Posted on Sep 15th, 2011 | re: Steven Spielberg Regrets Altering E.T. (67 comments)

My every day goal is one giant “keep out the ‘NOOOOOOs’”

“They think I’m all douched out? That I can’t out-douche myself?! I’ll show them! I’LL SHOW THEM ALL!”

“Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!”

 +1Posted on Aug 25th, 2011 | re: Shout Out To The Knox City Booster Club Women (47 comments)

Hate you so much, facebook login

 +20Posted on Aug 24th, 2011 | re: Could The Woman In Black HAVE A Lazier Tagline? (67 comments)

Wait, is this finally the much anticipated backstory for Nearly Headless Nick?

 +2Posted on Aug 4th, 2011 | re: Here Are Some Afternoon Links! (15 comments)

Flannel Animal has all kinds of paper dolls and he’s a really talented and nice guy, so you should definitely click over and check them out. I mean, you’re not checking them out because he’s a talented and nice guy, but because the dolls are funny. And all your favorite shows (some shows not included)!

I would make the worst publicist.

 +1Posted on Aug 4th, 2011 | re: The First Look At Henry Cavill As Superman (17 comments)

Henry Cavill? Psssssh. Call me when there’s a Henry Cabot Lodge Superman.

 0Posted on Aug 3rd, 2011 | re: What Did Stringer Bell Do Wrong? (56 comments)

I think everyone can agree that Kenard is awful.

It’s weird. The code thing is most evident when Stringer’s people break the Sunday morning truce, although I think the entire Marlo/Omar feud demonstrates the kind of chaotic evil at work in Marlo’s organization and how it filtered into the lives of everyone in West Baltimore, including little shits like Kenard.

And I am pretty much just saying the same thing that you said but I am saying it again because isn’t it fun just to sit and think about how great The Wire is and now I want to go back and rewatch it again.

 +6Posted on Aug 3rd, 2011 | re: What Did Stringer Bell Do Wrong? (56 comments)

Huh. I don’t think I agree with you re: Omar’s code. He held so closely to it that he risked his life to avenge Butchie because he had to bring justice. Omar’s downfall was just shitty luck, ultimately. I don’t think killing Sevino even counts as breaking his code, as Sevino was involved with the Marlo organization. Especially compared to his treatment of Slim Charles and that other dude he cornered. Omar held to his code through it all, but time just ran out.

Also, dissecting the wire is awesome!

 0Posted on Aug 3rd, 2011 | re: What Did Stringer Bell Do Wrong? (56 comments)

Avon Barksdale = Vito Corleone
Stringer Bell = Sonny Corleone

That’s it. That is all you need to know about what Stringer Bell did wrong.

Also, while we’re on the subject, Marlo Stanfield = Michael Corleone. Motherfucker is merciless!

 +2Posted on Aug 3rd, 2011 | re: Airlifted Dog Story Sounds Reasonable (51 comments)

 +9Posted on Aug 2nd, 2011 | re: Gold Surprise (59 comments)

And that, Timmy, is where babies come from!