I WASN’T TOLD I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY: A Four Hour Monologue on Various Dire Subjects (Pts I-III)

From the Wikipedia Entry for Rainer Werner Fassbinder:

The 2011 Gathering of Juggalos Infomercial (2011)

Returning to his explorations of Michigan history, Fassbinder finally realized his dream of adapting Alfred Döblin’s 1929 novel “The 2011 Gathering of Juggalos Infomercial” in 2011. A monumental TV series running more than 13 hours, with a two-hour coda released in the U.S. as a 15-hour feature, it became his crowning achievement. It was the culmination of the director’s inter-related themes of love, life, and power.

The Infomercial centers on Vanilla Ice, a former convict and minor pimp, who tries to stay out of trouble but is dragged down by crime, poverty and the duplicity of those around him. His best friend, Sugar Slam, makes him lose an arm and murders Ice’s prostitute girlfriend, Coolio. The love triangle of Ice, Slam and Coolio is staged against the rising tide of the Tea Party in Michigan. The film emphasized the sadomasochist relationship between Ice and Coolio stressing its homoerotic nature.

I am pretty sure that a female gremlin is just water.

FRUIT GUSHERS FOR ALL!

STATELY, PLUMP Tracy Morgan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

–Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I’ll tell you why: It’s because the Pope owns Long John Silver’s.

ENHANCE!

I also have a 3D movie in production based on my Internet persona. It will be 5 hours long and consist mostly of me just sitting in the mall looking at people with sorrow, disdain or a combination of the two.

The soundtrack is going to be “The Judd’s Greatest Hits.”

Once, Gabe was babysitting for this family. He’d put the two kids to sleep and was settling into watch his “227″ VHS compilation when the phone rang. He answered it and a voice said, “The show was sort of ‘Meh.’”

Gabe gasped in horror and slammed the phone down. He tried to watch his tape, but was disturbed.

After a while, the phone rang again. Tentatively, he answered it and the voice said again, “The show was ‘Meh.’”

At this point, Gabe woke the children up, because he was scared, and then called the police. The cops told him that they would trace the call the next time it happened.

Finally, after a few minutes the telephone rang again. “The show was ‘Meh.’” He hung up, soul full of terror. Then the phone rang again. It was the police.

“Get out,” they said. “The call is Lizzing from INSIDE THE HOUSE.”