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Mans
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 +37Posted on Feb 7th | re: Life Is A Highway, You Guys (139 comments)

Not with a bang, but with improperly coded HTML.

 +15Posted on Feb 5th | re: Eventually The World Will Be Covered In Ash And Silence (16 comments)

In included that first typo because I wanted the world to know that I am okay with being imperfect. The second typo is because I was rushing and didn’t proofread.

 +12Posted on Feb 5th | re: Eventually The World Will Be Covered In Ash And Silence (16 comments)

This is also my favorite posts. Serious a good moment in life.

 +14Posted on Feb 4th | re: Lost S06E07: The "Banana Leaf" (29 comments)

I loved the ending of Lost.

I loved almost every episode of Lost.

Lost is one of the best television shows ever.

 +21Posted on Feb 4th | re: Double Dog: The Today Show Challenge (39 comments)

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 +19Posted on Feb 4th | re: Double Dog: The Today Show Challenge (39 comments)

That’s what happens when we all die.

“Grandma just passed away. I guess we need to see about a big X watermark for her cadaver.”

 +48Posted on Aug 2nd, 2013 | re: This Is Just A Goodbye Post (241 comments)

Gabe wakes up and turns on the light. LiveJournal is in bed next to him.

“What is it?” LiveJournal asks.

Gabe says, “I just had the weirdest dream.”

 +25Posted on Oct 17th, 2012 | re: Krispy Kreme's "Halloween" Is OUR Generation's "Thriller" (28 comments)

I remember the first time I saw the video for “Thriller.” I was in elementary school the year it came out and my school was having a fall festival. There were games set up in the parking lot, easy games that cost a quarter a piece to play. You won tickets that could be redeemed for various prices–plastic rings and stickers.

In the second grade classroom, a room with the shades drawn and the lights out, a television and VCR were set up to screen the “Thriller” video. It cost twenty tickets to see it. I saved up all of the tickets I won all day long just so I could see it. It took a really long time because I wasn’t very good at anything and there is a chance that I was given some tickets by older children who saw me weeping.

I watched the video in that dark classroom by myself because it was late in the day and everyone else who’d wanted to see it had already done so. Our school was really old and in the winter when they turned on the heat, the pipes knocked, a sound which the teachers assured us was caused by the ghost of the woman the school was named after.

Perhaps the video for “Thriller” seems quaint and silly now, but alone in that dark room, the distant voices of classmates and parents in the hallways fading as everyone left, I was utterly terrified and completely rapt. To this day when I hear the song, even Vincent Price’s hammy monologue, I get goosebumps and remember the wonderful feeling of being young and believing in that which we cannot see.

When I left the fair to walk home and looked up and down the mostly empty streets of my little hometown, I know for certain that the world was a strange place.

 +8Posted on Apr 4th, 2012 | re: What Will The Hellraiser TV Show Be About? (31 comments)

A show about horrific, deathless creatures whose very existence is to experience and perpetuate endless, mind-numbing agony?

It is going to be about lawyers.

 +13Posted on Mar 29th, 2012 | re: The Official Song Of The Summer, 2012: The Stack Boys "Snapbacks" (36 comments)

Wrong! I am a rotting corpse.

 +2Posted on Mar 29th, 2012 | re: The Official Song Of The Summer, 2012: The Stack Boys "Snapbacks" (36 comments)

I didn’t even know fitted existed!

 +4Posted on Mar 29th, 2012 | re: The Official Song Of The Summer, 2012: The Stack Boys "Snapbacks" (36 comments)

I see. Thank you. I was unaware that there was any kind other than “snapback.” How do you get that one kind to fit your head if you have an usually large or small noggin?

 +5Posted on Mar 29th, 2012 | re: The Official Song Of The Summer, 2012: The Stack Boys "Snapbacks" (36 comments)

I did an AOL keyword search for “snapback” was and to be honest, I still don’t quite know what they are talking about. Is it the same things as a baseball cap?

 +24Posted on Mar 29th, 2012 | re: The Official Song Of The Summer, 2012: The Stack Boys "Snapbacks" (36 comments)

This is why I am happy that Youtube didn’t exist when I was this age. And why I am happy that my parents didn’t have a green screen in the living room. And why I am happy I didn’t have friends or any sort of peer group.

 +19Posted on Jan 13th, 2012 | re: Friday Giveaway: John Mulaney's New In Town (50 comments)

I WASN’T TOLD I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY: A Four Hour Monologue on Various Dire Subjects (Pts I-III)

 +25Posted on Jun 6th, 2011 | re: The 2011 Gathering Of The Juggalos (72 comments)

From the Wikipedia Entry for Rainer Werner Fassbinder:

The 2011 Gathering of Juggalos Infomercial (2011)

Returning to his explorations of Michigan history, Fassbinder finally realized his dream of adapting Alfred Döblin’s 1929 novel “The 2011 Gathering of Juggalos Infomercial” in 2011. A monumental TV series running more than 13 hours, with a two-hour coda released in the U.S. as a 15-hour feature, it became his crowning achievement. It was the culmination of the director’s inter-related themes of love, life, and power.

The Infomercial centers on Vanilla Ice, a former convict and minor pimp, who tries to stay out of trouble but is dragged down by crime, poverty and the duplicity of those around him. His best friend, Sugar Slam, makes him lose an arm and murders Ice’s prostitute girlfriend, Coolio. The love triangle of Ice, Slam and Coolio is staged against the rising tide of the Tea Party in Michigan. The film emphasized the sadomasochist relationship between Ice and Coolio stressing its homoerotic nature.

 +18Posted on Jun 6th, 2011 | re: The 2011 Gathering Of The Juggalos (72 comments)

I am pretty sure that a female gremlin is just water.

 +25Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: Monsters' Ball: 3rd Anniversary Open Thread (136 comments)

FRUIT GUSHERS FOR ALL!

 +2Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: The Videogum Movie Club Reminder: Hanna (8 comments)

I am very excited to see a movie that might not be terrible.

 +9Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: Bookgum: Bossypants (17 comments)

STATELY, PLUMP Tracy Morgan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. A yellow dressinggown, ungirdled, was sustained gently behind him by the mild morning air. He held the bowl aloft and intoned:

–Why don’t Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I’ll tell you why: It’s because the Pope owns Long John Silver’s.

 +2Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: Bookgum: Bossypants (17 comments)

“A screaming comes across Alec Baldwin’s thigh.”

 +15Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: My Head Feels Like It's Getting An Elephant Massage (59 comments)

ENHANCE!

 +17Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: They Are Making A 3D "Fred" Movie, FINALLY (46 comments)

I also have a 3D movie in production based on my Internet persona. It will be 5 hours long and consist mostly of me just sitting in the mall looking at people with sorrow, disdain or a combination of the two.

The soundtrack is going to be “The Judd’s Greatest Hits.”

 +35Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: My Head Feels Like It's Getting An Elephant Massage (59 comments)

Once, Gabe was babysitting for this family. He’d put the two kids to sleep and was settling into watch his “227″ VHS compilation when the phone rang. He answered it and a voice said, “The show was sort of ‘Meh.’”

Gabe gasped in horror and slammed the phone down. He tried to watch his tape, but was disturbed.

After a while, the phone rang again. Tentatively, he answered it and the voice said again, “The show was ‘Meh.’”

At this point, Gabe woke the children up, because he was scared, and then called the police. The cops told him that they would trace the call the next time it happened.

Finally, after a few minutes the telephone rang again. “The show was ‘Meh.’” He hung up, soul full of terror. Then the phone rang again. It was the police.

“Get out,” they said. “The call is Lizzing from INSIDE THE HOUSE.”

 +25Posted on Apr 8th, 2011 | re: My Head Feels Like It's Getting An Elephant Massage (59 comments)

I knew this kid who’s brother dated a girl who got a Coke once and was drinking it and when she got to the bottom of the bottle, she saw that there was a Lizzing inside it.