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 +5Posted on Feb 23rd, 2010 | re: Kanye West's "Coldest Winter" Is Maybe Even Too Cold! (61 comments)

This is what happens when Kanye sings into his Xbox.

 +15Posted on Feb 2nd, 2010 | re: 2010 Academy Award Nominees, Guys (203 comments)

Next year, instead of having 10 pest picture nominees, they should just add a new category for “Best Institutional Racism in a Motion Picture.”

RAAAAAAAANDY’s dad, everybody! Let’s hear it.

 +14Posted on Sep 22nd, 2009 | re: Terrence Howard Would LIke To Remind You To Wash Your Hands (47 comments)

A Terrence Howard Reminder: When the water shortage hits, there will be open and unpunished murder in the streets, so it’s OK to pee in the shower sometimes.

 +7Posted on Aug 20th, 2009 | re: ))<>(( (15 comments)

INT: JACKS OFFICE – NOON

JACK: Lemon! Come in.

LIZ ENTERS

JACK (CONT’D): I noticed your name on this year’s NATAS Emmy Judging Panel. As you know, the Emmys are being taped broadcast on NBC this year. The Sheinhardt Wig company has a vested interest in your vote for primet-time comedy Lemon, and I trust you to make the right decision.

LIZ: Dr Dreamboat’s Lost Adventures with the Fart Machine of Time?

Jack: Family Guy.

Liz: Jack, that show is garbage!

Jack: You and I and anyone who can see the ocean from their house know that, Lemon. We need to draw national attention away from the awfulness of Dr Dreamboat. We can maybe squeeze three more seasons out of John Stamos. The only way to do this is by giving Seth McFarlane the scorn that only undeserved critical accolades can bring. Can I trust you?

Liz: Blurg!

SCENE

there is no truth. only leotards.

Look at his face! He’s trying SO HARD to keep from speaking in tongues out of sheer joy!

This man is happier than I have ever been.

 +23Posted on Jul 30th, 2009 | re: Perhaps The Best Ice Cream Cake In All The World (40 comments)

I know what you are. You’re orange, greasy, irresistible, and bad for me.
Say it!
Sweet potato fries.

 +4Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 | re: Something Happened To A White Multi-Millionaire (22 comments)

Fobody’s Nerfect!

 +3Posted on Jul 27th, 2009 | re: Something Happened To A White Multi-Millionaire (22 comments)

LISTEN- This is important news, you guys. Ben Silverman is the man who WENT TO BAT for Friday Night Lights. Dude gets it. This is sad because a guy who understands what good things are is now leaving his position of power. The Panthers just lost a booster, dudes.

Never forget.

 +25Posted on Jul 23rd, 2009 | re: How I Didn't Bother To Meet Your Mother (37 comments)

This is promising! My online identity is so much more likable than my actual identity! Now my web presence can follow me wherever I go. Also my boss can listen to the blog posts I write about hating work- WHILE I’m AT WORK! This is so much easier, you guys! I love the future.

 +7Posted on Jul 21st, 2009 | re: Michael Jackson Has Entered The Mainframe And Become Pure Energy (6 comments)

Or the Eternal Stealing Paul McCartney’s Royalties. That was classic.

 +35Posted on Jun 26th, 2009 | re: Have A Great Summer And Stay Sweet, You Guys! (221 comments)

Thanks for the time of my life.

 +1Posted on Jun 25th, 2009 | re: St. Vincent On David Letterman, Because A Deal Is A Deal (34 comments)

Gabe is now the David Foster Wallace of the internet.

 +16Posted on Jun 23rd, 2009 | re: Kids Experience The Proudest Moment Of Their Lives The Darndest Things (33 comments)

jinx! buy me a sugar water!

 +97Posted on Jun 23rd, 2009 | re: Kids Experience The Proudest Moment Of Their Lives The Darndest Things (33 comments)

man, that kid is going to get so many awkward, painful handjobs.

 +27Posted on Jun 22nd, 2009 | re: The Videogum Movie Club: Year One (94 comments)

Is it inappropriate to say you looked Gorgeous in that article that announced your layoff?

Also- yikes! I can’t imagine having an entire article written about how I don’t have a job anymore.

 +65Posted on Jun 22nd, 2009 | re: The Videogum Movie Club: Year One (94 comments)

I also walked out. The best (actually the saddest, worst) thing about this movie was that I was given pity-popcorn from a couple of “Urban Teens” because I looked sad, watching this horrible film alone.

Sorry, “Urban Teens” I was sad because I could have been drinking alone with my $10.25 and I wouldn’t have to see two men phoning it in so hard that they might as well have been in a telecommunications-themed gay porno.

A telecom-themed gay porn would have been much more fun to watch alone, drunk on $10.25 worth of wine. Great weekend.

 +1Posted on Jun 22nd, 2009 | re: Green Day Provides The Soundtrack For The Punk Rock Nursing Home (39 comments)

Auto-tune? Really?! Green Day? Auto-tune?!!

My childhood has officially been raped. This is what you old people must feel like about the Karate Kid movie. I feel your pain now.

 +10Posted on Jun 18th, 2009 | re: NSFW: Name That Catch/Cumphrase (210 comments)

Make it so!

 +8Posted on Jun 18th, 2009 | re: Best New Party Game 4 (182 comments)

Die Softly at a ripe old age surrounded by friends and family

 +41Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 | re: Some Next Level Keyboard Cat Shit (84 comments)

Well, that’s it. We can give up on ever achieving something. As a people. This is it. The pinnacle of human achievement.

 +69Posted on Jun 17th, 2009 | re: Scenes From The Hilariously Pointless "Fire David Letterman" Protest (94 comments)

“I’m a Jay Leno fan” -Everyone you shouldn’t listen to.

 +74Posted on Jun 15th, 2009 | re: Uh Oh, Somebody's Gay Dad Broke Into The High School A/V Room (96 comments)

We’re going to need a bigger Silence of the Lambs joke.