I made the terrible mistake of taking a sip of water right before the shot of this amazing person in amazingly high-waisted shorts. Al Kaprielian owes me a new keyboard.

If UNICO is offended by Italian stereotypes they should write a letter to all of Jersey. Uh oh, we’re gonna need a bigger letter.

I noticed that, too! At first I thought he might just be holding is wife’s Twilight sign while she was in the bathroom, but then I realized that A) people don’t do that and B) he looks so proud of it.

I imagine they smell strongly of Abercrombie & Fitch.

The word “inappropriate” has been rendered meaningless by idiotic people who don’t know what to say to a question or argument, so they choose to hide behind a word they assume makes them sound smart because it’s multisyllabic. First Kelly from Real Ughs of New York, now Carrie Prejean.

We should all be so lucky to find underwear that turns us into instant pedophiles.

My husband just informed me that last night “milksteak” was the most popular search on Google.

Wait, so deep-fried butter is a thing? Maybe all this health insurance nonsense really is a waste of time, since we’re all going to die from heart attacks while dancing with joy for our fried butter treats.