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 0Posted on Sep 23rd, 2012 | re: What Is A Movie That You Want To Rewatch That We Should All Rewatch? (233 comments)


 0Posted on Jun 26th, 2012 | re: The Videogum Movie Club: Prometheus (158 comments)

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”
– Some Guy Whose Name I Can’t Remember

Well, I hope that clears everything up. In order to understand the mystery of the black goo, we’ll just have to wait until we invent something similar that replaces our boring old nuclear weapons. Then we will surely understand why some weird, inefficient tar-like substance that changes people into zombies and makes them pregnant with nightmare babies is a good idea to weaponize and mass produce.

“I say we black goo the site from orbit…. It’s the only way to be sure.”
–Cpl. Hicks from Aliens, New Revised Standard Version

 +5Posted on Jun 7th, 2012 | re: Our Dreams Are So Small (42 comments)

A performer who sings in falsetto is referred to as a countertenor, and opera companies that perform baroque opera with original instruments use countertenors. During the Baroque era, many heroes were sung by men singing in falsetto. These roles were generally sung by castrated eunuchs known as castrati, before the process of castrating talented young boys was deemed immoral (just another example of liberals stepping in and ruining things for everyone). I’m pretty sure that Handel’s Julius Caesar was sung by a castrato or countertenor.

I’ve been struggling my entire life to understand why this style of singing has grown unpopular, and finally my frustrations have been relieved by the ignorant, cheering mass of human cattle at America’s Got Talent. Does anyone else have any idea as to why men singing in falsetto isn’t cool anymore? I just don’t get it.

 +2Posted on May 24th, 2012 | re: None Of Rihanna's Lines Of Dialogue From Battleship (52 comments)

“These alien pretzels are making me alien thirsty.”

 +3Posted on May 22nd, 2012 | re: Kristen Stewart Has The World's Shittiest Life (56 comments)

I thought your explanation was really interesting. I don’t know any of the rules of grammar, except for those I understand intuitively.

After your explanation of why it was correct to break the rule in the case of Captain Kirk’s, “To boldly go” line, it occurred to me that people often split infinitives with curse words. Maybe this is because, either consciously or subconsciously, their intention is to emphasize the curse over the action, and taking the spotlight away from the action does exactly that.

 +2Posted on Apr 11th, 2012 | re: Everything About This Nike Video Is A Terrible Fucking Lie (125 comments)

I thought fame equaled a smorgasbord of young ladies to sleep with.

 0Posted on Mar 15th, 2012 | re: Poor Woman's Husband Can't Stop Laughing (24 comments)

Whoa! I just got to the end of the video…. Stop playing the music! You’re making the laughing man sad!

 +3Posted on Mar 15th, 2012 | re: Poor Woman's Husband Can't Stop Laughing (24 comments)

Maybe his wife is just really funny. What a lucky guy to have such a funny wife.

 0Posted on Mar 14th, 2012 | re: Saturday Night Live: Jonah Hill And The Shins (44 comments)

I just want to say that I, too, found the digital short to be quite humorous. Maybe Kelly just didn’t “get” it.

 0Posted on Mar 14th, 2012 | re: Saturday Night Live: Jonah Hill And The Shins (44 comments)

Yeah, Jonah Hill was great in it. It disappointed me that Kelly marginalized it as though it were just the same as any past J-Pop sketch.

 +5Posted on Jan 29th, 2012 | re: Four More Years Of Obama Singing Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" (78 comments)

This is a reply to Facetaco’s last comment. I’m way late to the game, and no one’s going to read this, but it’s late, I’m drunk, and feel compelled to write it anyway. Facetaco, “Chuckie’s” “sarcastic and condescending tone” was totally called for. Your comments sucked, and he was calling you out. You’re the one being an arrogant prick, and your response was, ironically, ridiculously condescending. I’m sure you feel like royalty on this website because for some miserable reason your lamo comments end up in the Monster’s Ball on the regular, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because most people here like to thumb up the d-bags who compulsively post comments on this blog like it’s their job. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, that’s a pretty harsh comment, and sort of a backhanded indictment of the Monster’s Ball, and I’ve never really felt animosity toward Facetaco… but that comment really pissed me off, and so does the Monster’s Ball. And, I’m drunk. And, no one will read this, but I want to write it anyway…. Good night, and good fuck yourself, everyone.

 +1Posted on Jan 12th, 2012 | re: Top Chef S09E09: Restaurant Snores (36 comments)

They have to come up with a name for the restaurant; they have to decorate the restaurant; they have to clean the bathrooms for the restaurant. And one of them has to be a maitre’d. That is why it is such a fucking insane, ass-rape of a challenge.

 0Posted on Dec 20th, 2011 | re: Hey, Let's Execute The Guy Who Leaked The Wolverine Movie (43 comments)

You goddamn fucking bastard…. Take it back!

 +2Posted on Nov 30th, 2011 | re: The Petting Zoo: The Week's Top 10 Animal Videos (26 comments)

Well, there goes my appetite for porcupine soup. Why must all the animals in the animal kingdom be so cute… and delicious?

Oh, and doesn’t that giant rodent in the swimming pool belong in a fireswamp or something?

 +1Posted on Nov 23rd, 2011 | re: Please Leave Your Pro Mirror, Mirror Comments In The Comments (82 comments)

Well, then upvote it.

 0Posted on Nov 18th, 2011 | re: You Can Make It Up: Ryan Gosling, The World's Second Sexiest Man Alive (19 comments)

This is just like when Carrot Top beat Bill Hicks for best comedian. This sexiest man alive thing needs to stop being a popularity contest!

 +1Posted on Nov 15th, 2011 | re: The Walking Dead S02E05: Ever Done In It A Hayloft? (120 comments)

Lets not, and say we didn’t.

 +7Posted on Nov 7th, 2011 | re: The Walking Dead S02E04: This SHOW Is A Discrete Feminine Product (What?) (118 comments)

Now that Glen’s not a virgin, I think he’ll be standing up for himself more often. Also, their first plan wasn’t very good, either. How many cans of reconstituted ham product do they have lying around up there? It’s like they don’t even know how to behave in a regular apocalypse, let alone a zombie one.

 0Posted on Oct 23rd, 2011 | re: This Is Just A Good Photo Of Kirk Cameron Celebrating His Birthday (60 comments)

Why don’t you learn to punctuate for god’s glory? God really appreciates it when his supporters don’t sound like morons in internet comment sections.

 +6Posted on Oct 19th, 2011 | re: Ricky Gervais Has Gone Completely Off The Rails (94 comments)

Hey, thanks man. I haven’t even seen Zardoz which is an inside joke I have with myself. Now you know the inside joke, too. Unless you never return to this thread. My real name is Graham, which is the inspiration for my username…. All right, going to stop talking now.

 0Posted on Oct 19th, 2011 | re: Ricky Gervais Has Gone Completely Off The Rails (94 comments)


 +1Posted on Oct 19th, 2011 | re: Ricky Gervais Has Gone Completely Off The Rails (94 comments)

I don’t understand what you mean by “solipsistic pedant.” As I recall, that theme of that movie didn’t have anything to do with solipsism.

 0Posted on Sep 29th, 2011 | re: Black Swan Interns Are Fed Up With Internships (58 comments)

It was actually KELLY who reminded you of how crappy your life is.

 +1Posted on Sep 16th, 2011 | re: Monsters’ Ball: The Week’s Best Comments (50 comments)

That was Gabe who told demonkitty to “please feel free to give me a C-….” Goddamnit, pay attention, people.

 0Posted on Sep 16th, 2011 | re: Steven Spielberg Regrets Altering E.T. (67 comments)

Yeah, man, but DVDs look like shit on my 50″ plasma. However… If I can find a away to transfer my twenty year old Star Wars VHS tapes displayed in 4:3 aspect ratio to Blu-Ray, that would solve all the problems. If I did that, and told the world how to do it, no one would have any reason to be mad at George Lucas!!!!