I always thought Jeff Goldblum was just doing a mildly-retarded Diane Sawyer impression.

My heart just had an orgasm. And by orgasm I mean attack. I’m having a heart attack right now. What’s the e-mail address for 911?

This is why God invented scissors. So you can stab your eyes out to avoid watching nightmare sadness like this. Scissors work in eardrums too, right?

The first rule of old people rapping is to make sure their diapers have been changed. You have no idea how gross a choir full of incontinent rappers can be. Unless you’ve ever seen the Black Eyed Peas perform.

I find that the best Myplace comments always end with: *sound of gun loading*.

I thought Sandra Bernhard died on 9/11. Who’s idea was it to resurrect her?

Well crying is free, so I’ve been spending most of my time gently sobbing alone, in the darkness. I would recommend the same thing for movie stars, but their tears are too precious to waste.

Of course they only tell you about the times that people get hurt. I?ve been giving myself alcoholonics for the past five years and haven?t noticed any health problems. Although I am wasted all of the time, so I don?t really notice things like ?heart failures? or ?anal bleeding?.