Jessica Jernigan
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 +6Posted on Feb 27th, 2013 | re: Jared Leto Got A Dope New Back Tattoo Because Twitter (36 comments)

Oh! I did not know that we had a special senior citizen “hash tag”. I should probably use that from now on.

 +10Posted on Feb 27th, 2013 | re: Jared Leto Got A Dope New Back Tattoo Because Twitter (36 comments)

Excellent point, truckasaurus. I’ve made damn sure that my daughter knows better than to ask for likes for nothing random strangers. That shit’s free and useless. She gets body shots for showing her boobs. It’s called “parenting.

 +10Posted on Jan 2nd, 2013 | re: New Year, New Gwyneth Paltrow Cookbook! (40 comments)

Lainey Gossip summed up my feelings about this publication really well: “How about a collection of autobiographical recipes in which you tell us about the time Brad Pitt found out you cheated on him and then ate nachos? It would be the only gift I gave for a year. I would buy at least 50 copies. I would read it at least 50 times. I would eat everything in it.”



 +7Posted on Oct 31st, 2012 | re: Benedict Cumberbatch Has Finally Gone Too Far (41 comments)

NB: “Me tubal ligation” is not a typo. I am being drunk and Irish for Halloween, which is different from every other day because FECK OFF.

 +11Posted on Oct 31st, 2012 | re: Benedict Cumberbatch Has Finally Gone Too Far (41 comments)

I LOVE that idea. Please tell me that Jennifer Aniston is going to play me. Can I get a producer credit?

 +14Posted on Oct 31st, 2012 | re: Benedict Cumberbatch Has Finally Gone Too Far (41 comments)

Look at how he’s holding that newborns’s head! He clearly knows how important it is to hold a newborn’s head! If somebody posts a picture of him SMELLING that newborn’s head, I’m getting me tubal ligation reversed.

 0Posted on Oct 1st, 2012 | re: The Videogum Movie Club: Looper (48 comments)

I didn’t read this whole thing because, although, being old means that I have a really long attention span and I can handle a lot of words, it also means tat I know that I’m not going to go see this moving picture, as doing so would interfere with a.) my afternoon nap, or b.) my early bedtime. Also, it is hard to knit in the dark, and knitting is what I do when put on a movie. However, I really enjoyed your use of the neologism “elimidate” in this context, on account of the time travel.

Also, have you seen my cheaters?

 +8Posted on Sep 14th, 2012 | re: THIS IS THE FUTURE!!! (31 comments)

Oh, wait, it’s three things, isn’t it: Olivia Munn, Jessica Alba, and the Future? That means that the superlative is totally appropriate. Sorry. I’m just going to go do my Jane Fonda fitness tape now. Where are my liver pills?

 +15Posted on Sep 14th, 2012 | re: THIS IS THE FUTURE!!! (31 comments)

“Thank you for calling your poll ‘Who Wore It Better?’ instead of Who Wore It Best?’ because it’s simply incorrect to use the superlative when only two things are being compared,” said an old person. (Full disclosure: That old person is me.)

 +5Posted on Apr 13th, 2011 | re: Meet Braco, Be Changed (93 comments)

Is that Comic Sans? Comic Sans Italic?

 +9Posted on Feb 22nd, 2011 | re: This Is Just A Good Interview With J. Mascis (54 comments)

It’s like watching a visit from his court-appointed social worker.

 +3Posted on Jan 25th, 2011 | re: Gwyneth Paltrow Upskirt (283 comments)

Maybe the next issue of GOOP should feature tips from a getting-in-and-out-of-the-car-while-wearing-a-skirt- expert. Preferably a vegan, Kabbalist getting-in-and-out-of-the-car-while-wearing-a-skirt- expert.

 +11Posted on Jan 17th, 2011 | re: Kids Krump The Darndest Things (52 comments)

This is awesome, but you should not let it convince you to have kids. I’ve got one, and all she can do is this: Seriously: She’s an embarrassment.

Fake? No! Just a busy working mom who never understood the importance of a regular cleansing fast before I became a GOOP subscriber.

As a busy working mom, I can tell that no one here, including Gabe, is a busy working mom. As a busy working mom, I find Gwyneth Paltrow inspiring, and I am always excited when I see a new issue of GOOP in my inbox. My family loves the recipe for cold turnip soup that Gwyneth got from Mike D’s wife, and the wisdom Rabbi Boteach shared after his lengthy conversations with Michael Jackson have transformed my relationship with both my daughter, Fartlin, and my husband. I am really looking forward to trying some of Gwyneth’s time-management tips. I really need to fit some cupping sessions into my hectic schedule as a busy working mom!

 +12Posted on Nov 16th, 2010 | re: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: American Beauty (409 comments)

Hello, young people. Long time reader, first time commenter!!! Anyhow, I would like to tell you a story from 1999. The first time I saw American Beauty, it was opening weekend at a suburban theater. The audience, including me, was quite moved. The second time I saw it was in a discount theater in New York, and — how to say this? — my friend and I were the only people-not-of-color in the house. Oh, the hooting and hollering! Oh, the laughter! So, anyway, my point, Gabe, is that I think that you, like me, missed that this picture is a delightful comedy about the imaginary misfortunes and delicious folkways of white people.

 +4Posted on Sep 29th, 2010 | re: That's Your Boyfriend: Andrew Shirvell (147 comments)

Sure, my handsome friend, but I think forcefully repressed gayness is just one color in this guy’s DSM rainbow. Shirvell (seriously, could you come up with a shiftier last name?) has the same affect as the OB-GYN on-call (my own doctor was on vacation) who broke my bag of waters without telling me, let alone asking me (I know! Gross!), thereby launching the sequence of events that led to an emergency C-section. Which is to say, Asperger’s syndrome, or some other impairment on the autism spectrum that makes it impossible to be fully human in the way that we usually understand it. I mean, seriously, have you watched the video? This dude is a poorly programmed robot.

Of course, the difference between this guy and other high-functioning, high-achieving people with autism and related pathologies is that this guy is a total asshole. A total asshole with Microsoft Paintf.

 +4Posted on Sep 21st, 2010 | re: Lady Gaga's "Powerful" Don't Ask-Don't Tell Speech (96 comments)

From now on, when I feel like I’m about to end an argument by comparing someone to Hitler, I am going to compare that person to Charles Nelson Reilly instead.